Consumed...

May we not soon forget the gravity of what today signifies.  It is my prayer that we be consumed by the power of today.  Good Friday.  A day that signifies what He did.  Sweet Jesus, some two-thousand years ago.  Jesus, who knew exactly His purpose, His path, and the pain that awaited Him.  Pain from the beatings, the flogging, and the carrying of His cross.  Pain from the scorning and the mocking and the blaspheming.  The piercing of His hands, His feet. Pain undeserved.  Punishment unwarranted.  Price that was paid.  Penalty not His own.  Nailed to the cross, battered beyond recognition.  Crushed.  Separation from His Father, our Father.  May these truths consume us.  May we realize all that He endured.

Good Friday...good?  Really, good?

For the good of you, of me, of all the world.  Sinners.  That's the gospel.  Good news! This gospel love, this grace.  Unmerited favor.  Kindness undeserved.  Love abounding amidst my sinfulness.  Mercy amongst the mess of me, the real me.  Hope beyond all hopelessness.  Oh, what good news.  He bore the burden in my place.  In your place.  He bore it all upon the cross.  He died my soul to save.  The once and for all sacrifice.  That's my Jesus!  My King.  My Redeemer.  My Comforter.  My Rock.  My Deliverer.  My Savior.  He is the good news.

Might He consume you today and every day.

Near to My Heart

Gabe came home with an assignment from school yesterday.  The specific instructions for my fourth-grade boy were to bring an object to school that was "near and dear to your heart," which would then serve as the basis for a descriptive writing project.  He gathered his things for school this morning, double checking his assignment notebook for our signature and remembered this task.  Without hesitation, he reminded me, "I have to bring something near to my heart for school today.  Can I bring Chloe's teddy bear?"

At the tender age of 4 and some months, Gabe became a big brother to baby girl who was gone too soon.  He didn't really understand, but he did.  I remember her visitation, which happened to be on Mother's Day in 2006, and Gabe was so grown up.  Too grown up.  I will never forget watching and hearing he and my nephew, just a few months older than Gabe as they gazed upon her open casket.  They took a moment to still themselves from the racing and running about to look at her, really look at her.  Very seriously, my nephew whispered to Gabe, "Shhh...she's sleeping."  Gabe bluntly responded with a loud and matter of fact voice, "No she's not.  She's dead!"  Harsh, but true.  And I was one proud mommy.  He got it.  He knew that the special part of her was gone, but that her body, precious to us, remained.

What happened in 2006 changed him.  It changed all of us.  Our family is forever impacted by Chloe's brief life and death...in more ways than I can possibly begin to share in this post.  The years that have come since continue to grow and shape us.  When Gabe was 8, our family endured more loss.  That July, baby Jesse went to be with Jesus during my first trimester of pregnancy.  Just a few months later, Riyah Mae joined her siblings in heaven after I went in for an ultrasound at 14 weeks only to find that her heart had stopped beating.  I remember that day well, as Gabe entered home from school to find me lying in bed.  He was concerned about why I was home when I should have been at work.  When we shared the news, he curled up in a ball, swallowed by my arms and we just cried.

In all this, I have learned to draw near.  Nearer to family, to friends.  Nearer to what matters.  Nearer to my Jesus, eternity.  I think Gabe has learned the same.  It pains me to think that a child must experience such pain.  That he would see his mommy and daddy broken, over and over again, and that he too is broken; innocence lost.  Yet I see how it has drawn him near.  Nearer to us.  Nearer to Him.  Just a couple of months ago, Gabe drew near in a way that I had prayed for and knew that only God could make possible.  He gave His heart to Jesus!  I've seen him continue to draw near to the Savior in the days and weeks since.  I know Chloe has been a part of his drawing near, as he learned about her precious life, untimely death, and heavenly dwelling.  The fact that he chose her teddy bear as something "near and dear to his heart" to unashamedly write about at school makes me smile a bittersweet smile as I praise God for how He's used her life to draw each of us near to His Son.

"But as for me, it is good to be near God.  I have made the Sovereign Lord my refuge..." 

Psalm 73:28

He Knows

It's been quite some time since I've been able to sit and just think.  There's always something - a deadline, an agenda, a sink full of dishes or a mountain of laundry.  Tired doesn't come close to an appropriate description.  Yet today, I am just thinking.  Sure, I've had lots to do and have three stops to make before our Hope Meeting tonight, but not now.  Sitting. Sipping Coffee.  Thinking.

Today, my thoughts are enamored by His grace.  I contemplate - How am I so blessed?  Why has He chosen to use me?  What could I possibly have to offer?  I don't know the answers, but I know the One who does.  Oh how He loves me...as He loves you.

I think about Chloe, about Jesse, about Riyah Mae... what are they like? Are they together?  Will they know me? Oh, I miss them.  I don't know the answers, but I know the One who does.  Thank you Lord, for knowing all things.  In You, all is grace.

I wonder what's to come...How can I serve? Who can I serve?  Where can I serve? Will you continue to build this ministry, Lord?  Again, I don't know, but I trust that You do.  I trust You.  Use me however You see fit, Almighty God.

I don't know where your heart is, fellow mommy.  I don't know where you've been, where you're at, or where you're headed.  I can't pretend to know your pain, but I do know it hurts.  I can't say all the right words or heal your broken heart.  I am lacking in ways innumerable....believe me!

Here is what I can do  - I can point you to the One who is the King above all Kings, the Lord of Lords, our Almighty God and Counselor!  He is good, worthy to be praised, and He holds each and every tear that falls.  He loves you.  Did you hear me??  He loves you!  What's more...He came into this world as a baby Himself.  Precious Jesus.  He knows all and He knows you.  You are His creation.  Do you know Him?

This Christmas, may you find HOPE in the Savior!

Hope Was Born...

I love Christmastime.  It hasn't been the easiest of seasons since my losses.  Sure, there should be more presents under the tree and more children to help sing "Happy Birthday, Jesus!"  Still, it is good.

I think the best thing about Christmas is the HOPE that bursts forth.  It's a time of possibility, expectation, and wonder.  Hope was born over 2,000 years ago when God Himself entered into this world.  A precious babe, Jesus, born in a manger.  Have you ever stopped to ponder that fact?  That He would choose to enter into this world as a baby?  I treasure that fact.

Through the eyes of the world, babies don't hold much weight in this world.  A baby gone to heaven too soon is here, then gone.  That baby is remembered no more.  People move on, forget even.  Not that child's mommy.  That child will never be forgotten.  And to think that God chose to send His Son as a baby...that comforts me.  I'm reminded that God loves us - even the tiniest of us.  He loves you.  He loves your babe who is with Him now.

He sent His son into the world. Hope was born and gives me life.  This hope I cling to now and forevermore.

May you find HOPE in Jesus this Christmas...

Been a While...

Well, ladies...you are so incredibly patient with me.  And for that, I am thankful!  The last few months have been a whirlwind of sorts.  Finishing the book I've been working on (more details to come!) and working full-time have taken a great deal of time, leaving little leftover for keeping up on the blog.  Forgive me? (Say yes?! Say yes?!)

Okay...good!

The Lord has been teaching me so much lately.  Honestly, I don't even know where to begin...  I'm learning much about leadership and ministry, giftedness and callings, God's purpose and will in our lives, and the list goes on.  I realize each of these topics are very broad, encompassing a variety of scenarios that any one of you could relate to.  The one central theme that runs through each of these very broad topics and life itself is the gospel.  It always comes back to the gospel, as it ought to.  I am continually amazed at the power and the love demonstrated by the gospel of Jesus Christ.


When I consider any of the following scenarios...


...My role as a leader in the Mommies with Hope ministry
...How God may use me and the experiences He's walked me through
...The gifts and the abilities He has given me
...The calling He has placed on my life
...His purpose in the midst of my pain
...His will in every area of my life - family, friendships, ministry, and work
...The furthering of His kingdom
...The fruits of my labor

...May it always be centered on the gospel of our Lord, Jesus Christ!

That is my prayer for you tonight, fellow mommies.  May you know Him in the most intimate of ways, surrendering your hearts and lives to the love that He demonstrated on the cross.  That's the gospel...He died so that you might live.  May you know and receive this precious gift as you embrace a gospel-centered life.

Unsettled...

I returned home from a work conference late last evening.  I admit, I was a bit unsettled throughout the conference.  Sure, it was tough to spend two full days talking about how to help families when a baby dies.   There were times throughout the conference when my heart and mind vividly returned to those doctor appointments, ultrasounds, and hospital experiences that left me clouded with grief.  The presenters provided great information, a wealth of stories and experiences, and some wonderful hands on tools for helping families.  I am proud to report that the standard of care that they so strongly emphasized was truly what I experienced with each of my losses.

Still, there was something missing...

During those two days, I sat and squirmed, huffed and puffed, moaned and groaned; unsettled.  What was it that I was looking for that was not being conveyed?  What was missing?  Who was missing?

Minutes into the drive home, I knew precisely what it was.  I had spend the last two-and-a-half days talking, learning, listening, sharing, and debriefing about pregnancy and infant loss, how it impacted women's lives, and how professionals can help, yet felt as though I sat in a room that was absolutely devoid of HOPE.  I wonder...

Without HOPE, how can a mommy...

...endure loss?

...keep on living?

...explain to her living children that their baby sibling died?

...even get out of bed?

Hope was missing.  The skills taught, the lessons learned, and the practicality of the information was welcomed, necessary, and meaningful.  I am a first hand beneficiary of such care and I am grateful.  But Hope.  What about hope?  I'm not talking about hope for a cure or hope for a misdiagnosis.  Nor am I suggesting hope in medicine, doctors, or neonatal heroics.  I'm talking about Hope in its purest form, the only Hope I know.  Hope in Him.  Jesus.  Our living HOPE who overcame the grave.  Jesus.

I admit, it was not a pleasant feeling to be unsettled.  We all like to be in that comfy cozy place where life is easy and all the world seems rights.  But this week, He unsettled me so that I could settle into Him.  The hopeless situation of loss warrants the one true Hope of Christ! 

When it Hurts

I am no stranger to grief and my guess is, neither are you. It has not been an easy road to say the least. As a child, I recall my grandpa's death. Mom was making pancakes when the phone call came informing us of his heart attack. Next thing I knew, she was gone and days later my cousins and I were all together under the careful watch of a babysitter while the rest of the family gathered for the service. Just a couple short years later, my childhood friend's big sister was shot and killed the summer before her senior year of high school. I was afraid of death. Afraid of what happened. Sad for my friend. Frightened by the nightmare I vividly remember having after attending the funeral. I remember looking next door one early morning in the aftermath of her death, only to see her daddy outside crying. He was so sad. I was sad for him.

It wasn't until college that grief truly rocked my world. At the vulnerable age of 18, I was new to the college scene, living in a different town with different friends and scenery. It was a welcome change. Then, I got the call from mom that my step-brother had been in a terrible car accident. He was hit by a drunk driver. Oh, the injustice. One week later, he died. My brother came to my college dorm and along with his fiance, who he was to marry that very week, and they told me the news. I was broken. Thinking back, I wonder, how did we do a funeral on Friday and a wedding on Saturday? It hurt then and it hurts now as I remember.

A few short years later commenced the beginning of the painful path of Chloe's death and pregnancy losses of two more precious babies, Jesse and Riyah Mae. Different children. Different gestations. Different experiences. The same love for each one. The same pain. The feeling that it just wasn't fair. How can someone miss a baby she never even knew? I promise you - she can. And she does. I miss every one of them. Last year, grandma went to be with Jesus. Dear Grandma, tell them how much I love them so. Tell them what their mamma is like. I remember when I visited Grandma in her hospital room. She took my hand and she said to me just a few words that I will always cherish: "Teske...you're a good mommy. You're a good mommy." That means the world to me coming from a woman who raised 14 children and who experienced the death of three babies of her own.

Today is one of those days when it hurts. It hurts to remember it all. It hurts to think about the reality of the circumstances we face; a result of living in a fallen world. Sin abounds. Death stings. Grief runs deep. People fail us...over and over again. People hurt us...over and over again. Situations remind us of the reality of the injustice of it all. The grief is real and raw and can't be avoided. It just hurts in the most tender spot. It's a deep down to the core kind of hurt. It can't be numbed or stuffed or put off for another day. Today is one of those days when it hurts.

I am at a place where right now, today on one of those days when it hurts, I need to park my heart and mind on the Truth of God's Word. I need to saturate myself in the reality of Who He is and Whose I am. I need to remind myself of the goodness of my God in the midst of my mess. Even when it hurts, here is what I know about my Jesus...

He heals my broken heart and binds up all my wounds. (Psalm 147:3)

My help comes from Him. (Psalm 121:2)

Because of Him, death has no sting. (1 Corinthians 15:54)

He never changes. (James 1:17)

He is my refuge. (Psalm 91:2)

He gives me peace as I place my trust in Him. (Isaiah 26:3)

He will work all things for good because I love Him. (Romans 8:28)

He wants me to come to Him and rest in Him. (Matthew 11:28)

I can do all things, even this, through Him because He alone is my strength. (Philippians 4:13)

He has a plan for my life. (Jeremiah 29:11)

When I seek Him, I will find Him. (Jeremiah 29:13)

He is near. (Philippians 4:5)

He gave His life for me. (John 3:16)

None of this really matters because He has overcome it all. (John 16:33) I belong to Him...Hallelujah, there is victory in Christ!

These truths and so many more wrap me in a blanket of peace as I experience, feel, and remember. Today is a day when it hurts. The pain is real, but so is my Savior, who redeems all things for His glory and my good. Trusting Jesus...even when it hurts.

Facing Death All Day Long

Death. I face it daily. In my work. In my ministry. It seems morbid to some. “How can you work in a funeral home?” they question. “What do you do there? Isn’t it depressing?” Depressing? Sometimes. Rewarding? Always.

The accolades spew forth, “You’re so strong. I don’t know how you do it. You are a blessing to so many." You are this and that and fill in the blank. Humbled, yes indeed.

In my life, death is never lacking. I see it every day. People – young and old, alike. Too many. Too young. In just the last two weeks, too many children. Too many babies. At least ten. Maybe more. Some born too soon, others gone too soon. It never gets easy.

I face death all day long. Every day I see death, I feel death, I know the pain death brings. I offer a gentle embrace to grieving mommy. I explain death to children who have to see their baby sibling in a casket. I pray boldly for them all.

It never gets easy. I never become immune. I cannot be desensitized. Yet, when I am weak, I am strong (2 Corinthians 12:10). I can do this job because it is He, my Jesus, who gives me strength (Philippians 4:13). Yes, I face death every day, so too, I boast in Christ (1 Corinthians 15:31). I work with all my heart for Him and no other (Colossians 3:23). He alone has equipped me by the comfort He has given (2 Corinthians 1:3-4). So yes, I share in the sufferings of many (2 Corinthians 1:7), but my HOPE is in HIM.

Unfair

I don't write about work all too often on here, despite the fact that I work at a funeral home. In my line of work, I am surrounded by death daily. Most of the time, I am able to distance myself from the sadness, the pain, and the heartbreaking grief of those who walk through our doors. Most of the time, I can keep it all together, maintain my composure, and hold back the tears. Most of the time, I can effectively help a family or a child without taking their story home with me. Most of the time.

Sometimes, though, I am immersed into the lives of these people with a heavy heart that is empathetic to their pain. Sometimes, I am broken as their loss makes me think of my own losses. Sometimes, I have to remove myself from a particular project or task and make a beeline to my ghirardelli chocolate stash (true story). Sometimes, I cry with compassion for these families...and that's okay. Sometimes, life - and death - seem so unfair.

Just this week, I was charged with the task of preparing a little boy to see his 3-month old baby brother...in a casket. His baby brother died in his sleep during naptime. At the tender age of 7, this young boy walked in confident and sure of himself. Dressed in his best, he had a smile that shined light into a dark situation as he entered the funeral home with a family member. His mommy had been there for a while already and had taken time to see her youngest son as he laid in a small wooden casket, adorned with ornate white interior. The room was filled with flowers fit for a baby in hues of blues and yellows and whites. It was a beautiful setting, complete with a night light and toys as one entire side of this room overlooked a special Children's Garden, dedicated to all the families served whose babies have died. This little boy didn't know that just minutes before he came, his mommy and daddy slowly approached his baby brother's casket with tears flowing. My heart broke for this fellow mommy as the aching sounds of her wails flowed just as freely as the tears. It was so unfair.

Why would a 3-month old baby die in his sleep?

Why should I have to prepare a child to see his baby brother in his casket?

Why are caskets even made this small?

Why do this mommy and daddy have to say goodbye so soon?

Why is there a garden full of ornaments; each one representing a child who has died?

Why did I have to stand in this very building 5 years ago for my own daughter's funeral?

It's all so unfair.

The experience brought me back. During my pregnancy with Chloe, after knowing she would die shortly after birth, my motto was "It's not fair!" It really wasn't. And neither was this. None of our losses are fair. Death is not fair.

The truth is we are not promised fairness in this world. We are not promised lives free from heartache or pain or grief. We are not promised to always live comfortably or within our comfort zone. We are not promised that babies won't die. We are not promised a life free from earthly death. Rather, Jesus himself tells us in John 16:33...

"In this world you will have trouble..."

You will have trouble. Your heart will break. You will know pain and sorrow. You will experience grief. You will face trials you never thought you'd have to face.

But Jesus doesn't stop there. He leaves us with a word of encouragement when he says,

"...But take heart! I have overcome the world."

Take heart, daughter. I have overcome. Take heart. I hold your heart in my hands. Take heart. I will piece your broken heart back together as you trust in Me. Take heart. I know your pain and sorrow. I am a Man of Sorrows. Take heart. I too am acquainted with grief. Take heart. I know what you faced yesterday, what you face today, and what you will face tomorrow and I am there. Take heart. I have overcome the world. Trust in Me. I have conquered sin. Trust Me. I have risen from the grave. Give me your heart. Death has no sting. Surrender.

Bittersweet Days...

For those of us who have endured the loss of a baby, Mother's Day may be anything but happy. Bittersweet seems to be a better descriptor in light of my experience. Regardless of how we may describe it or individually experience it, I think we would all agree that Mother's Day truly is a special day.

I would like to tell you that I had it all together this Mother's Day weekend. I wish I could say that my days were filled with joy and remembrance as I honored my three babies in heaven and cherished my two on earth. I long to share a hope and encouragement to each of you who are grieving this Mother's Day.

Can I honestly tell you that I had it all together? Not even close.

Can I say that my weekend was joy-filled with remembrance? Remembrance - yes! Joy-filled, not so much.

Did I act as though I truly cherished my two living children on earth? Confession - I did not.

Can I share a hope and encouragement with each of you this Mother's Day? Yes, I can! Not on my own strength, but on the strength of God alone in whom I find comfort and peace.

I reflect back on the weekend with mixed feelings. I did all the things I thought I should do. We purchased flowers for our memory garden, an annual tradition always to take place Mother's Day weekend. I spent the day planting flowers, filling my pots, and pulling weeds. The landscaping was finally beginning to take shape and the house exuded some much-needed curb appeal. I worked hard, I kept busy, and the job was complete. I had done my thing. In and of itself, this was a good thing. Unfortunately, the Mother's Day tradition that I had come to love as a way of honoring and remembering my three babies in heaven, had failed to incorporate one very important thing; a tending to my attitude.

I was merely going through the motions. I didn't stop to pray and thank God for His blessings. I failed to show gratefulness for my two living children. I treated my husband with a sense of entitlement, failing to acknowledge his grief. I was irritable and mean, robbed of the joy I claim in Christ. I was throwing myself a pity party, yet putting on a strong facade, going about my garden work. The work needed not be done in my garden, but in the very soil of my own heart. Instead of planting flowers and filling pots, I needed to be planting seeds of gratitude to my family and filling my heart with God's Word. Rather than weeding out my lawn, I needed to weed out the bitterness that had taken root.

As I contemplate over the events of the weekend, I am reminded of Psalm 118:24, which says:

"This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it."

Really? Today? A day that celebrates Motherhood, when I have three babies in heaven? God so gently whispers to my soul, "Yes, today." Others of you may pose a similar line of questioning, wondering if you should be celebrating when you have no living children or possess a longing for a child that is yet to be conceived. Again, the answer is, "Yes, today." I would even go so far as to say, today and tomorrow and the next day. Each and every day. It is hard and bittersweet and that's okay. Let us not, however, let the difficulty of the situation give root to bitterness in our hearts. Instead, may our hearts be filled with thanksgiving for all that God has done for us, chief of all is the fact that He willingly sent HIS OWN SON to die for each of us. What a humbling thought to ponder in light of my own loss; that Jesus would die on the cross for a sinner like me. Thank You, Lord. Help me to always remember and always be thankful for Your sacrifice, even on the bittersweet, difficult days like today.

True Hope

This week, we prepare to celebrate Resurrection Sunday! Also known as, Easter. We all know the story, right? We all know about Jesus; that He came to earth as a baby, grew into manhood and lived without sin. He went to the cross of calvary on our behalf, conquering sin and death so that we may have eternal life. We know all about it. But do we know HIM? He is our only true source of hope. Today, I am sharing with you a devotion written by Lysa Terkeurst of Proverbs 31 Ministries. I pray you will be blessed as you examine yourself this Easter season.

The Unsaved Christian

Purpose in the Pain

Now I want you to know, brothers and sisters, that what has happened to me has actually served to advance the gospel.

Philippians 1:12

The apostle Paul wrote these words to the Philippians from the confines of a jail cell. He was suffering for the cause of Christ and was confident that there was purpose in the pain. Like Paul, I had the privilege of hearing from a very special Mommy who shares his heart in her love for the gospel. This Mommy I speak of has suffered too. Her first baby boy went to be with Jesus 3 1/2 years ago. Just last week, she found out she was pregnant with her third child. Days later, she realized that this baby would be joining his or her big brother in heaven. She sent me a message with the news that read,

"I have very sad news - I am miscarrying our baby right now. Thank you for praying for me and our family. My only prayer is that God works a great miracle through this loss and His kingdom would be advanced."

That His Kingdom would be advanced. It's a miracle, indeed, to see how God uses circumstances to build His Kingdom. Having the perspective akin to this Mommy illuminates purpose in the pain. I spoke to her by phone today and in our discussion, she called to mind the many ways in which she's seen God work through other losses in her life and how He has faithfully done so in others' lives. His kingdom has been advanced. People have come into a saving relationship with Jesus. That is truly a miracle. There has been purpose in the pain. All for His glory...for His Kingdom.

What purpose have you found in the pain of of your own loss? Please share...

She's Still Leaving a Legacy

I'm taking a break from continuing on with sharing about my journey with Hamilton's to acknowledge something that I absolutely treasure. What is this thing, you ask? Well, it's the very fact that Chloe, nearly five years since her death, is still leaving a legacy.

Today, I have the amazing privilege of speaking to a group of 48 students at Iowa State. I was invited by the instructor to come and share my story of prenatal diagnosis and loss with these students who are in an infant development and guidance class. I have actually shared my story with this particular course every semester since Spring of 2006, as I used to be the Teaching Assistant and then Instructor for the course. I'm thinking about this for the first time now, realizing that approximately 550+ students have learned about Chloe's life, death, and legacy just from this one course. That's a treasure to me!

Let me be clear here...it's not the numbers that are important to me. It's not about me coming to speak. It's not about anything I can say or do. It's not about the positive feedback I have received over the years. It's so much more!

"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasures is, there your heart will be also."

Matthew 6:19-21

To me, the real treasure lies in the fact that her life and death contribute to countless heavenly treasures, a few of which are listed below...

Her life and death have changed me.

Her life and death brought my husband into a relationship with Christ.

Her life and death have reached others for Christ.

Her life and death have allowed me to comfort others.

Her life and death have given me opportunity to share the HOPE I have.

Her life and death have provided a ministry for me to serve in.

Her life and death have shown me what it means to love.

Her life and death have revealed a glimpse of God's purpose in my life.

Her life and death have taught her brother and sister how precious life is.

Her life and death continue to amaze me as her legacy lives on.

Our babies leave us these treasures. They are gifts...left behind for us to discover, unwrap and share with those in our world. Who is in your world? Who could benefit from knowing your story? How can God use your child's life to store up treasures in heaven? For some of you, it may be a sister or a girlfriend or a neighbor. Maybe the gift is for you, first. Maybe your own child's life and death will change you in the same way it changed my husband, as he surrendered first to a relationship with Jesus. What is your child's legacy? It's there. Years later, it will remain. As a Mommy with Hope, we can carry this legacy. I can't let Chloe's life define mine, but I can share how God has used her and how He continues to do so. Precious Chloe Marie...she's still leaving a legacy.

In closing, I encourage you to ponder these lyrics from Nichole Nordeman's song, Legacy...

I want to leave a legacy

How will they remember me?

Did I choose to love?

Did I point to you enough to leave a mark on things?

I want to leave an offering

A child of mercy and grace who blessed Your Name unapologetically

I want to leave a legacy...

Lord Jesus, I want to leave a legacy. Thank you for Chloe. Thank you for Jesse and Riyah too. Thank you for using these babies' lives to store up treasures in heaven. They have a legacy lasting into eternity by the way their lives have reached others for your Kingdom. I am truly blessed to be able to share their lives with those in my world. I pray, Lord, that you would continue to use me. I pray that you would do the same for each and every mommy reading this blog. She has a story that I trust You to redeem for your honor and glory! Thank you for loving us so much that You gave Yourself! Amen.

What treasures would you like to share??

A New Year...A New Creation

This week, we are focusing on some biblical truths and practical tactics for ringing in the New year. A previous post provided insight to the first truth shared and gave us some questions to ponder and tactics to employ as we face the New Year.

The next biblical truth and practical tactic deal with being made "new" in Christ. It is my prayer that He continues to make me over, according to His likeness, and that He do the same for you in 2011.

Biblical Truth

"Anyone who is in Christ is a new creation; the old has gone the new has come."

2 Corinthians 5:17

Based on this verse, and the overall message from Scripture, to be "new" you must be "in Christ." In Christ. What does this even mean? Plainly stated, it means having a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. We will get to more of what this means in the practical tactic below. But the biblical truth that we are equipped with today reminds us that "anyone who is in Christ is a new creation." The word "anyone" implies that anyone can be "in Christ," meaning that the ability to have a personal relationship with Jesus is available to all. Not those who clean their act up first. Not those who strive to earn favor from God. Not those who go to church every week. Not those who appear to have it all together. Anyone. By being in Christ, one is a "new creation." God changes that person from the inside out. They are no longer enemies of the Father, but adopted as children of God through the precious blood of Jesus.

So, what does this all mean? How can I have a personal relationship with Jesus? These questions bring me to explain further in our practical tactic...

Practical Tactic

To be in Christ, one must first see themselves as a sinner. Romans 3:23 says, "For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." Keyword here is "all." Just as anyone can be in Christ, as mentioned above, it is important to acknowledge that "all" are sinners. All. Each and every one of us. Because God is just, there is a price on sin. Romans 6:23 says, "For the wages of sin is death." That's a heavy piece of truth to swallow on a Monday morning, don't you think? The good news is that there is hope. God, in His perfect love, made a way to save us from our sins. He knew that we could not be perfect or sinless, and therefore were far from His holiness. That is why He sent His Son, Jesus! We just celebrated Christmas, the remembrance of Christ's earthly birth. What we often fail to remember is the reason He came. He came to live a perfect life and pay the penalty for our sins on the cross! That's the good news. He is the only one who can save us from our sins. Only Jesus. How can we be saved? Like I said, it's not about religion or church or good works. It's about being in Christ. To be in Christ, we must accept the truths already provided. Here are our practical tactics related to these amazing truths...

1) Acknowledge ourselves as sinners

2) Admit our need for a Savior

3) Confess and Believe

4) Accept Jesus as Lord

I leave you with two more verses from Romans that succinctly sum up all three of these tactics. The following truths give us the "how to" answer you may be looking for...

"That if you confess with your mouth Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved."

Romans 10:9-10

AND

"For everyone who calls upon the name of the Lord will be saved."

Romans 10:13

Acknowledge. Confess. Believe. Be Saved. Be Made New in Christ!

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If you have trusted Christ as your Savior, we would love to hear about it in the comments. If you have not yet made this decision, be reminded that we are told in 2 Corinthians that "now is the time, now is the day of salvation." It will be the best decision you ever made!

Please share!!

Nine, Ten, and Eleven

First thing's first...it's no surprise to any of you that I've slacked on our Christmas countdown these last three days. It was intended to be a daily occurrence! I'm sorry. I could tell you it's because of the busyness of these last few days ~ the baking, the cooking, the entertaining, etc. I could tell you that it's because of the horrible cold I've had. I could probably think of many different excuses.

The reality is that these last few days have been really difficult as Christmas draws near. So, I think I told myself that I was too busy, had too much baking to do, too many meals to prepare and my out-of-town father to entertain. I told myself that I didn't feel well enough to write or think about the "gifts" of my babies for that particular day. One day led into another and then another. Now, here I sit fresh off of a Christmas eve meltdown, pouring out the reality of what a grieving mommy really looks like during the holidays. Unlike the chocolate caramel Rolo cookies I just pulled out of the oven, there is no sugar-coating my grief.

It has been a blessing to me to think about the "gifts" that my babies have left for me this past week and half or so. I have also been blessed by the many "gifts" that you, my fellow mommies, have shared in the comments. Keep them coming! As I have contemplated over these gifts and tried to think of something clever to fit perfectly into days 9, 10, and 11 for our countdown, my heart feels compelled to step outside my perfectionist box, and share the following thoughts about days 9, 10, and 11 altogether...

So, with hope (and a little bit off beat) I continue singing my countdown...

On the ninth, tenth, and eleventh days of Christmas my babies left for me...

Three days closer to eternity...

Eight comforting song lyrics

Seven stockings hanging

Six words from Scripture

Fiiiiive precious children

Four changed lives

Three burning candles

Two tiny foot prints

And a super snuggly, striped blankie!

Three days closer to eternity...

That's right...I totally just merged three days into one. I'm crazy like that. But on a more serious note...tonight, on the even of Christmas, there is a deep longing in my heart for each one of my babies. I admit, I've been in a "funk" the last few days. I knew it was grief, but have denied it in numerous ways. One of which included avoiding my blog writing. As I've thought more and more about the gifts each of my babies have left behind, which truly are many, I decided to lump days nine, ten, and eleven together because the mere sequence of these days brought me great comfort. How so, you may wonder? Simply stated, with each day that passes, I am one day closer to seeing my Savior face-to-face. That is truly a gift. The journey, though hard, brings me closer spiritually to my Jesus on this side of heaven and gives me cause for hope in eternity. And isn't that what Christmas is all about...Hope.

And then we were done...

If you have been following this blog for the past few months, you know that we have been working through Becky Avella's book, And Then You Were Gone: Restoring a Broken Heart After Pregnancy Loss. Well...we have officially finished the book in our face-to-face study, and this post is the final post related to the book's final chapter titled "Now What? Facing the Future."

Before I move into the meat of this post as it relates to the book, I have to encourage each and every one of you to get Becky's book! If you have been impacted by pregnancy or infant loss, you will certainly be blessed by reading it. She very eloquently weaves in her own story while keeping the reader focused on sound, biblical truth. Also, if you have read her book, please log on to Amazon.com and write a review! This would be a wonderful blessing to her and I know she will treasure your words.

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Now what? Some of you may be struggling with a lack of explanation for your loss(es). Others of you may have information to move forward and have decisions to make about the future of your families. Still, others of you may have experienced yet another loss and are beginning to wonder whether you will be blessed with children to care for on this earth. We are all in different places and that's okay. Not any one of us has the exact same path laid out before us. We are unique. God, in His Sovereignty, has masterfully laid out each and every piece of our life's puzzle. As time goes by, He pieces each part together to make us complete. When we try to piece things together ourselves, parts become jumbled and the fit is not right. We have to get to a place where we let Him do the work.

In this chapter, Becky reminds us to "just do the next thing." I love this. It seems so simple and so basic, yet we muddy things up by always getting out ahead of ourselves to see the finished picture. She states, "Instead of being terrified by a future that is too overwhelming, just do the next thing that needs doing. Don't face the entirety of your future. Face today. Face this moment. In reality, it is all we really have" (p. 88). Also in this section of her chapter, Becky provides some great questions to ask yourself, such as...

Who does God want me to be today and what does He want me to do about it?

How will I live the life I am given today?

Additional questions that we came up with as a group to help us in this "face today" philosophy include...

What do I have to be thankful for today?

How can I bless someone else today?

How can I serve God today?

I believe the answer to any and all of these questions posed above lies in the truth of Matthew 6:33-34, which states...

"But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. therefore do no worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

Seeking Him, my Jesus, and His kingdom is my first priority. I can trust Him to work out all the other details. I can rest in knowing that He has it all under control. I don't need to look so far ahead because my Savior already knows and His plans are for good (Romans 8:28). This very notion reminds me of an old gospel song that my mom shared with me in recent months. You see, my maternal grandma went to be with Jesus in June of this past year. Mom told me that she always used to sing "One Day at a Time." The lyrics of the chorus are as follows:

One day at a time, sweet Jesus

That's all I'm asking from you.

Just give me the strength

To do everyday what I have to do.

Yesterday's gone, sweet Jesus

And tomorrow may never be mine.

Lord help me today, show me the way

One day at a time.

With that, I want to conclude this post with some final words from Becky. She urges us to trust God in writing our story and to get to a place where we can say, "My Jesus is enough." Of God's character, she writes: "He is out to love us, mold us, shape us, draw us to Himself and ultimately work out what is best for us individually and for the Kingdom as a whole." He truly is, ladies! He wants to bring us to His Son. He longs for a personal relationship with us through the sacrifice Christ. Can you honestly say, "My Jesus is enough?" Is He?

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More on this tomorrow, along with a special countdown to Christmas. Stay tuned and be blessed! For now, I would love to hear how you are "just doing the next thing." Share your wisdom in the comments!

In the Word Wednesday...Did She Really Just Say That?! (Chapter 7)

Thanks so much for your patience this week, as I finally post our bible study post (3 days later!)...

Receiving comments with grace. Did you get that? With grace. I have to admit, I was really challenged with this week's chapter under study. When reading the title of the chapter, Did she really just say that? Receiving comments with grace, I was thinking "Yes, all my 'woe is me' experiences of others' insensitive remarks will be validated and I can recruit others to join in on my pity party!" This was not the case. Thank you Becky, for sharing Truth and for letting God use you to teach us.

In reading this chapter, I couldn't help but let my teacher mind wonder about some sort of formula to do just as Becky has instructed. I came up with a chart for organizing some of this information. I find this to be helpful in processing through some of the hurtful comments I can call to mind having received. It is a good way to re-think the motives behind the hurtful words that may have been voiced, and to give me a new focus for understanding and coping with such comments. Here is the table I came up with...feel free to use as you see fit.

Another point I wanted to draw out from this chapter includes the fact that Becky points out two hindrances to being able to receive comments with grace, based on her own personal experience. These two things were pride and rebellion. She described them as follows:

1. Pride: I didn't want to be told this; I already knew it.

2. Rebellion: I didn't want to be encouraged by these words; I wanted my babies...

(pg. 61 of And Then You Were Gone)

Can anyone else relate? Can you think back to any comments you may have received and re-evaluate the situation to see whether pride or rebellion stood in the way of your ability to receive such comments with grace? Personally, I can relate all too well, and am also able to identify other hindrances such as stubbornness, self-pity, and entitlement. What other hindrances in your own life can you identify? What is in the way of you being able to receive comments with grace?

Finally, I love how Becky acknowledges that none of this can be accomplished on our own human strength. She tenderly reminds us of the reliance we must have on God to be able to receive comments with grace. On pg. 62 she states, "I needed the discernment that can only come from the Holy Spirit. Only He could show us which words were applicable to our lives and which were not." This brings me to a point that must not be overlooked. The wisdom and discernment that comes from the Holy Spirit is present only in the hearts of those who have trusted in Jesus Christ as their personal Savior. In John 14:16-17, Jesus says...

"And I will ask the Father, and He will give you another advocate to help you and be with you forever - the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees Him nor knows Him. But you know Him, for He lives with you and will be in you."

Jesus is speaking of the very biblical truth that the Holy Spirit, our counselor and helper, indwells the hearts of Believers - those who have embraced the truth of the gospel. Is that you? I direct you, again, to Appendix B (p. 103) of the book, Do You Know the Healer of Broken Hearts? Do you?

I pray boldly for each of you now...that those of you who know Jesus as Savior are able to call upon the power of the Holy Spirit, who dwells inside of you, to receive hurtful comments with grace and that you may be a testimony of God's grace to all who look upon you as you walk this difficult road. And for those of you who have not received Jesus, may this study, this blog, this ministry, these stories, and all that God places in your path, be a gentle nudge toward the saving One, Jesus Christ! God loves each and every one of you and desires to call you His own.

"Yet to all who did receive him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God."

John 1:12

Rejoicing This Morning!

This morning, God performed a miracle. We look around our comfy little lives and so often fail to see the miracles that surround us, but this morning, I bore witness to one of the greatest miracles in all the world. God, in His awesome power and sovereign plan, led a young woman into a personal relationship with Him through Jesus Christ! My role? A simple obedience...that's it. It is God who did the work.

So today, rejoice with our new Sister in Christ! She acknowledged her sin, recognized her need for a Savior, and asked Jesus to come into her heart. Is that not a miracle? That the God of all creation would send His One and Only Son, Jesus, to live a perfect life and die a sacrificial death on a cross. A cross that we should have been nailed to. But God. He paid the penalty for us, so that if we would just believe and receive, we would be saved. Thank you Jesus for this awesome miracle! We trust you when you say you are "the way, the truth, and the life." We love you and we rejoice in your heart-changing work today! May You alone be glorified and lifted high!

(in)couraged by an Eternal Hope (and free stuff!)

To all my fellow "mommies!" I have a guest post running on the (in)courage site about Chloe, titled, She Made me a Mommy with Hope. Be sure to check it out and browse around the (in)courage site! You will certainly be encouraged by this amazing community of Jesus-lovin' women!

Welcome (in)courage friends! Thanks for visiting...get comfy, get some tissues, and read more about what it means to possess an eternal hope. Also, what kind of host would I be if I weren't offering up some free stuff?? Be sure to leave comments to enter into the drawing for one of three prizes! Details below!

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Hope. A word we use so very flippantly. We hope for many things in life. Something as mundane as the ability to get all the laundry done to more serious things like a job promotion or the health of our children. Hope. We toss this word around in our daily repertoire of conversation and discussion, often referring to things or outcomes. Hope. A word that, by definition, means: "to desire with expectation of obtainment" (thank you very much, Mr. Merriam-Webster Dictionary). Hope. What have you hoped for, just today?

I have to admit, when I entered that ultrasound room nearly 5 years ago, I hoped to go home with some good pictures. I hoped to get to record a video. I hoped to find out the sex. I hoped many, many things. Then, all of my hopes came crashing down when I heard the harsh words of my doctor: "Your baby is going to die." All I could feel in that moment were the hopes and dreams I had for my baby unraveling right before my eyes.

Hope. It took on an entirely new definition. Hope. It was my pregnancy with her, anticipating her death, that drove me to my knees. Hope. Found in the promises of His Word. Hope. Discovered as I weeped and wailed at His feet. Hope. Revealed so boldly when her daddy gave his heart to Jesus in the aftermath of her death. Hope. In the big brown eyes of her brother who proudly declares her heavenly dwelling. Hope. In the innocence of a baby sister who never knew her, yet clings to Chloe's blankie as if she knows it's something special.

Hope. A confidence in knowing what lies ahead. Hope. Trusting in God's grace, which ushered my precious Chloe into heaven. Hope. A promise to be fulfilled for those who are (in)Christ. Hope. For that unimaginable reunion. Hope. To press on, trudging through the deepest darkest valley, to then climb to the top of the Mountain where God's glory is revealed. Hope. In the miracle of His creation of this tiny baby girl. Hope. God used her life to transform me into a Mommy with Hope.

The one true source of my hope eternal...Jesus. Where is your hope?

"...we who have fled to take hold of the hope offered to us may be greatly encouraged. We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, where Jesus, who went before us, has entered on our behalf."

Hebrews 6:18-20

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I "hope" you enjoyed your visit, (in)courage friends! Everyone is invited to leave a comment below pertaining to today's post on the topic of "Hope." If you have also experienced loss, I'd be honored to pray for you and to remember your precious child by name, just leave that in the comments as well. Or, feel free to ask questions of me if you have them....pretty much just say something and you'll be entered into the drawing! :) Each comment will be entered for a chance to win one of the following three (yes three!) prizes:

1) A copy of Becky Avella's book, And Then You Were Gone: Restoring a Broken Heart After Pregnancy Loss. Ladies, you will certainly be blessed by this book!! It is a great read for anyone who has experienced loss and also for women who are coming alongside a friend in her grief. We are currently reading through this book for a bible study and each week, on Wednesdays, there is a post pertaining the book! Thank you, Becky, for donating your book for the giveaway!!

2) Starbucks ($10 gift card)!! Yeah, that never gets old....And, they are now serving their pumpkin spice lattes! Woohoo!

3) A super cute "Hope" magnet, pictured below (thank you to my husband for your keen eye at Hallmark)! It says, "Have hope God will guide you through." Yes, He will...can I get an "Amen?!"

So...comment away, fellow "mommies," friends, and (in)courage gals! Winners will be posted on the blog on Wednesday morning, so stay tuned!

In the Word Wednesday...Entering the Darkness (Ch. 3)

Welcome to In the Word Wednesday! Join us as we travel through And Then You were Gone by Becky Avella. You can read the first two posts related to this study here and here. Today, we will dive into Chapter 3, Entering the Darkness. Again, there's so much to say and this chapter is filled with some awesome biblical truths! So...today's post will be about the pressure to "be strong" as we grieve, concluding with a challenge to allow yourself to truly grieve. I will continue with some additional topics from this chapter in the days to come!

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Becky starts Chapter 3 with the following verses:

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under Heaven.
A time to be born and a time to die,
A time to plant and a time to uproot,
A time to kill and a time to heal,
A time to tear down and a time to build,
A time to weep and a time to laugh,
A time to mourn and a time to dance.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-4

A time for everything. Sometimes, such times include times of grief. Each of us embarking on this study are all too familiar with times of grief. Throughout this chapter, I love how Becky reiterated a truth about grief, which states:

Grief may be delayed, but it cannot be denied.

Did you get that ladies? Grief may be delayed, but it cannot be denied! That rang so true for me. The first several months to a year after Chloe died, I threw myself into so many things. All good things, I might add. It was a way for me to work through my grief. In all honesty, however, I was delaying my grief. I distinctly remember ringing in the New Year and feeling as though Chloe had died yesterday. The realization of the onset of a new year, combined with that fact that it seemed like everyone around me was celebrating in anticipation for what was to come, hurt so much. I felt as though everyone else was moving on, yet I was stuck in the darkest place I'd ever know. Still, I had to face it....I had denied it long enough. Can you relate?
Becky talks about facing this darkness, the Valley of the Shadow of Death (Psalm 23). Her words in this portion led me to think of a song that I've sang at church called Valley of Vision by Sovereign Grace. I shared some of the lyrics with the ladies in the face-to-face study, which state:

Let me find Your grace in the valley
Let me find Your life in my death
Let me find Your joy in my sorrow
Your want in my need
Draw me near with every breath
In the valley

The idea is to draw near to God during these valleys in life. That doesn't mean that we need to wear this strong, Christian facade! God wants us to come to Him just as we are and the reality is that we tend to put on this mask that disguises the reality of what we're going through. While we may be able to fool others, for a time, we can never fool God. He sees right through the mask into the very heart of who we are; He knows precisely what we think and feel.

"The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart."
(1 Samuel 16: 7)

He sees our hearts, ladies. The reality of what we're going through. He knows us in and out, as we learned last week when I shared in the video some verses from Psalm 139. He created us uniquely, with feelings and emotions. Let's not shield who we are, what we're going through, and how God created us to be! We talked in the face-to-face study last night about balancing our emotions and feelings with our desire to cling to the biblical truths related to our loss, like: God is in control (Sovereignty), He will work this out for good (Romans 8:28), and God has a plan and purpose (Jeremiah 29:11-13). While all of these things are true and many of us believe them with all our hearts, it can be hard to strike a balance of clinging to these truths while experiencing feelings that starkly contrast these truths, like: I must have deserved this. My loss wasn't that important. I was only ____ weeks along. I want you to know, ladies, that these are blatant lies and we cannot give in to such thoughts, as much as our hearts are tempted to entertain them. Rather, we need to stock our hearts and minds with ammunition to ward off such negative, deceitful thoughts. This ammunition is the Word of God and things only of Him. You may be wondering, how do I do that? Here are some simple ideas:

Surrender!
If you have not given your life to Christ, that's the first step in drawing near to God. He already knows we need Him...it's up to us to humble ourselves before Him and place our lives in His hands. Romans 10:9-10 says, "...if you confess with your mouth, 'Jesus is Lord,' and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe an area justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved."

Saturate yourself with more of Him!
Be in the Word. Start with the gospel of John and read a chapter per day, or over and over each day till you feel led to move on.Choose a Psalm and read through that each day and move on to another when you feel ready.

PRAY!
Rather than being tempted to go to your mom or a girlfriend with a burden right away (which I had to confess is what I often do!), go straight to God. He longs to carry your burdens.

I think about a verse that our Pastor used in last Sunday's sermon from James, which states: "Draw near to Him and He will draw near to you." (James 4:8) Draw near. Seek Him with all your heart. It starts by humbling ourselves and letting go of the facade we so often feel we have to keep up. God wants us to come to Him just as we are...broken-down, grief-stricken, in the valley kind of women. Cry out to Him. We know from His Word that "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up all their wounds." (Psalm 147:3) That's us, ladies. He is waiting for us to come to Him.