Another Chapter...

I look back over the past five years and am amazed at all that has taken place in my life.  Five summers ago, life was a blur as the grief was fresh and pain ran deep in the shadow of Chloe's birth and death.  Then, there were days that I didn't have the strength to even move myself from the couch.  I'd lie in bed at night waiting for Justin to fall asleep before I let the tears fall.  Sometimes, I'd shake so hard from crying that he'd wake up and just hold me.  The only words I could muster were, "It's not fair!  I just want her here!"  Some days it seemed there would be no reprieve from the grief.

View from my conference hotel room.

As I write this evening, I peer out the window of a hotel room in Wisconsin overlooking the Mississippi River and I feel an overwhelming sense of peace as I marvel at God's creation.  Without going into much detail, I will share that I am here for a conference as a part of my work, which is a two-day training to offer a hospital-based support group for couples who've experienced the loss of a baby through pregnancy or infant loss.  

It's odd being on the "other end" of this sort of thing; to sit in a room full of professionals who companion bereaved parents such as myself but who very likely have never experienced the loss of their own babies.  The presenters show videos, share stories, and provide information about how to help these families.  I take in the information, but my heart and my mind are in rewind as I remember.  I think back to the mementos created for Chloe and I feel bittersweetly blessed.  I think of Jesse who left this world far too soon; my baby who only few know about.  Then I remember miss Riyah Mae whose little heart stopped beating at the beginning of my second trimester.  So much loss.  So many memories.  So much pain.

Yet healing has come and peace envelopes me as I embrace this new chapter that God has written.  I would have never weaved these stories into the fabric of my life.  Still, my heavenly Father knows each and every detail as it has come to pass and as the pages turn.  He knew that He would use precious Chloe to help form Mommies with Hope.  He knew that her life would bring me back to His Son.  He knew that her life would lead her earthly daddy to eternal life.  He knew that He would build His kingdom through me.  He knew that doors would be open for the ministry to grow.  He knew that He would provide a way for me to share His promises with a world of mommies who so desperately need His Son.  He knew that He'd use me in my work at the funeral home - a place I would have never dreamt of working!  He knew that a partnership would form in a secular world where He could use me to really reach out and help others.  Only He knows how He will continue to use me, use this ministry, and use the stories as I embark on this new endeavor.  I am so thankful that He alone is the author and I trust Him as the pages continue to turn in yet another chapter...

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you; plans to give you a hope and a future.'"

A Bold Reminder

It was 7:35 a.m. when I entered my office this bright Monday morning. I had no idea the blessing I would find awaiting me there. I was hurried to get there during my usual 50 minute commute. I was tired and rushed, as is the case most every Monday morning.

The weekend had been quite eventful, in fact, only adding to the tiredness. I had worked on Saturday morning, helping lead a memorial service for families who had endured miscarriage in recent months. I hardly call it work, since this is something I am so deeply passionate about. Following the service, we had a Mommies with Hope Board Meeting (amazing!) and then I was racing off to the in-laws who had been charged with the task of caring for our children, our oldest whom they had cared for all week long! My husband was on his way home from picking up our 16-year-old niece (who now lives with us...that's a story for another day) from a music camp that was 3 1/2 hours away. Dinner consisted of Chinese delivery, one of two food venues that will deliver to our small town of 900, and the loads of laundry quickly piled high as we hauled kids' bags and suitcases in from a week away.

Sunday morning worship as a family was a much-needed and blessed time of refreshing. More rushing as we embarked on our 45 minute commute home from church (we are one crazy, commuting family!) and indulged in Chinese leftovers for lunch. Did I mention they are one of two food venues that deliver to our tiny town?? Moving on... Dishes, cleanup, more laundry - all before a Target trip and getting the older kids back down to church - 45 minutes away - for the start of Vacation Bible School and my teenage niece's youth missions week, where she will be helping with VBS, camping out all week, and doing service projects throughout the community. Revved it up at VBS, full-throttle for God! Writing at the cafe down the street while the kids learned and played and praised Him. Drove home - 45 minutes - and all kids tuckered in by 9:30 p.m. Thats a feat! More laundry, more dishes, filling out camp forms and gathering documents for a busy and dreaded Monday morn.

Then, a bold reminder as I walked into my newly de-cluttered office. Right there, on the clean and clear table in the center of my office space lay a bible. It had been pulled from the shelf and was open to the book of psalms. The only two colleagues I could think of who might have placed it there weren't even in yet and I knew that they hadn't been there over the weekend. In looking further, I was speechless to see that it was open to Psalm 84, which in its fullness reads:

"How lovely is your dwelling place, O Lord Almighty.

My soul yearns, even faint, for the courts of the Lord;

my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God.

Even the sparrow has found a home, and the swallow a nest for herself,

where she may have her young - a place near your altar,

O Lord Almighty, my King and my God.

Blessed are those who dwell in your house; they are ever praising you.

Blessed are those who strength is in you, who have set their hearts on pilgrimage.

As they pass through the Valley of Baca, they make it a place of springs;

the autumn rains also cover it with pools.

They go from strength to strength, till each appears before God in Zion.

Hear my prayer, O Lord God Almighty; listen to me, O God of Jacob.

Look upon your shield, O God look with favor on your anointed one.

Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere; I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked.

For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor;

no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless.

O lord Almighty, blessed is the man who trusts in you."

Psalm 84 (NIV)

Big deal, right? Yes, it is a big deal. It was as if the bible was strategically placed in a manner that was intended for me to read it. It was as if someone had placed it there, opened it to that specific page, for some specific purpose. It was even angled neatly toward the corner of the table, facing the direction that faces the pathway through my office, toward the computer armoire. Here are the pictures I took before placing the bible back on the shelf...

Still, you may be wondering why I'm making such a fuss over this. Well, I don't know who was responsible for laying the bible open on my table in such a fashion, to that particular passage no less, but I firmly believe that God intended it to be a bold reminder to me fresh off a weekend of craziness. Life is hectic, hurried, and far too busy. I needed something to stop me in my tracks and help me refocus. In all of the words of the bible, Psalm 84 would do just that. You see, Psalm 84:1, which reads "How lovely is your dwelling place, O Lord Almighty" is the very verse that ordains the back of Chloe's headstone. The significance of this Psalm comes in the fact that it was this psalm, set to music, that was playing in the hospital room at the she went to be with Jesus. Just after hearing the nurse say, "Time of death - 3:55 p.m." the music rang forth, declaring, "Better is one day in your court! Better is one day in your house! Better is one day in your courts than thousands elsewhere!"

I have been blessed to experience a number of "God moments." This, I believe, was a message sent directly from Him, perhaps through an angel, to give a bold reminder of His Power, His Love, His Mercy, and His Might.

Lord, I trust you in all things - from the death of my babies to the call to take in my 16-year-old niece. I trust in You alone, O Lord Almighty! Even amidst the everyday craziness of our busy, hurried lives, you care to boldly remind me Who You are and Who I belong to. Thank you for loving me so.

Have you experienced a "God moment" that you'd be willing to share? What about your own visit from an angel? Please share in the comments!

Bittersweet Days...

For those of us who have endured the loss of a baby, Mother's Day may be anything but happy. Bittersweet seems to be a better descriptor in light of my experience. Regardless of how we may describe it or individually experience it, I think we would all agree that Mother's Day truly is a special day.

I would like to tell you that I had it all together this Mother's Day weekend. I wish I could say that my days were filled with joy and remembrance as I honored my three babies in heaven and cherished my two on earth. I long to share a hope and encouragement to each of you who are grieving this Mother's Day.

Can I honestly tell you that I had it all together? Not even close.

Can I say that my weekend was joy-filled with remembrance? Remembrance - yes! Joy-filled, not so much.

Did I act as though I truly cherished my two living children on earth? Confession - I did not.

Can I share a hope and encouragement with each of you this Mother's Day? Yes, I can! Not on my own strength, but on the strength of God alone in whom I find comfort and peace.

I reflect back on the weekend with mixed feelings. I did all the things I thought I should do. We purchased flowers for our memory garden, an annual tradition always to take place Mother's Day weekend. I spent the day planting flowers, filling my pots, and pulling weeds. The landscaping was finally beginning to take shape and the house exuded some much-needed curb appeal. I worked hard, I kept busy, and the job was complete. I had done my thing. In and of itself, this was a good thing. Unfortunately, the Mother's Day tradition that I had come to love as a way of honoring and remembering my three babies in heaven, had failed to incorporate one very important thing; a tending to my attitude.

I was merely going through the motions. I didn't stop to pray and thank God for His blessings. I failed to show gratefulness for my two living children. I treated my husband with a sense of entitlement, failing to acknowledge his grief. I was irritable and mean, robbed of the joy I claim in Christ. I was throwing myself a pity party, yet putting on a strong facade, going about my garden work. The work needed not be done in my garden, but in the very soil of my own heart. Instead of planting flowers and filling pots, I needed to be planting seeds of gratitude to my family and filling my heart with God's Word. Rather than weeding out my lawn, I needed to weed out the bitterness that had taken root.

As I contemplate over the events of the weekend, I am reminded of Psalm 118:24, which says:

"This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it."

Really? Today? A day that celebrates Motherhood, when I have three babies in heaven? God so gently whispers to my soul, "Yes, today." Others of you may pose a similar line of questioning, wondering if you should be celebrating when you have no living children or possess a longing for a child that is yet to be conceived. Again, the answer is, "Yes, today." I would even go so far as to say, today and tomorrow and the next day. Each and every day. It is hard and bittersweet and that's okay. Let us not, however, let the difficulty of the situation give root to bitterness in our hearts. Instead, may our hearts be filled with thanksgiving for all that God has done for us, chief of all is the fact that He willingly sent HIS OWN SON to die for each of us. What a humbling thought to ponder in light of my own loss; that Jesus would die on the cross for a sinner like me. Thank You, Lord. Help me to always remember and always be thankful for Your sacrifice, even on the bittersweet, difficult days like today.

A Fellow Mommy's "Divine Calling"

This past year, the Lord has brought a woman to Mommies with Hope who has come to mean so much to me and to the group. I want you all to know about Shayla who is now officially co-facilitator of the Polk City group, alongside me. For months, she has consistently reached out to women in our group and has been a tremendous blessing to me, personally, all the while traveling her own grief journey. Recently, she started a blog that I want you all to know about as she documents this next part of her journey. She and her husband are pursuing the adoption of a precious little girl in Nigeria named Divine. You can read about their "Divine Calling" on their blog by clicking here.

"I thank my God every time I remember you."

Philippians 1:3

Blessed.

Today, in this season of my grief, I am blessed. Let me be the first to say that being "blessed" is not the first thing that typically comes to mind when I think of the losses I've experienced. Over time, I have been able to proclaim this truth more and more, but it has not always been this way. When I rewind five years and recall all that I was feeling in the aftermath of Chloe's terminal diagnosis at twenty weeks along, many other choice words come to mind...

Shocked.

Devastated.

Numb.

Anguish.

Tormented.

Depressed.

Angry.

Heartbroken.

Shattered.

Oh my, the list could go on and on. "Blessed" was certainly not on included! In fact, my pregnancy motto was "It's not fair!" Sometimes those were the only words I could utter. Occasionally, this little phrase may have been followed up by, "I just want her to live...that's all!" The truth is, that's where I was at the time. I was drowning in my grief. And guess what? That was okay.

Some of you may be in that very spot today. My heart hurts for you, precious friend. Tears well up as I think of you and your precious baby in heaven. I rejoice in God's mercy that welcomes that baby into His arms, yet I ache in knowing the reality of your pain. Let yourself feel all that you need to feel. Grieve deeply, as you are. Know that you are not strange or wrong for feeling the way you do. You are not alone. There are others who have traveled this road. We are here.

Galatians 6:2 commands us, "Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ." Other "Mommies" are here to carry the burden. Even more importantly, I urge you to give it to God. In Matthew 11:28-30, Jesus says, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." He wants you to lay it at His feet!

Right now, we are all at different places in our grief. I trust that God is working in and through your circumstances to bring beauty from the ashes. Our God is a God of goodness, working all things for His glory and purposes. Trust Him. He has great and precious plans for you. I, simply a humble servant of Christ, am a living, breathing testimony of His promise to work all things for good (Romans 8:28). Five years ago, my list looked just as I so plainly stated it above. Today, my list has but one word:

Blessed.

'"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."'

Jeremiah 29:11-13

Purpose in the Pain

Now I want you to know, brothers and sisters, that what has happened to me has actually served to advance the gospel.

Philippians 1:12

The apostle Paul wrote these words to the Philippians from the confines of a jail cell. He was suffering for the cause of Christ and was confident that there was purpose in the pain. Like Paul, I had the privilege of hearing from a very special Mommy who shares his heart in her love for the gospel. This Mommy I speak of has suffered too. Her first baby boy went to be with Jesus 3 1/2 years ago. Just last week, she found out she was pregnant with her third child. Days later, she realized that this baby would be joining his or her big brother in heaven. She sent me a message with the news that read,

"I have very sad news - I am miscarrying our baby right now. Thank you for praying for me and our family. My only prayer is that God works a great miracle through this loss and His kingdom would be advanced."

That His Kingdom would be advanced. It's a miracle, indeed, to see how God uses circumstances to build His Kingdom. Having the perspective akin to this Mommy illuminates purpose in the pain. I spoke to her by phone today and in our discussion, she called to mind the many ways in which she's seen God work through other losses in her life and how He has faithfully done so in others' lives. His kingdom has been advanced. People have come into a saving relationship with Jesus. That is truly a miracle. There has been purpose in the pain. All for His glory...for His Kingdom.

What purpose have you found in the pain of of your own loss? Please share...

She's Still Leaving a Legacy

I'm taking a break from continuing on with sharing about my journey with Hamilton's to acknowledge something that I absolutely treasure. What is this thing, you ask? Well, it's the very fact that Chloe, nearly five years since her death, is still leaving a legacy.

Today, I have the amazing privilege of speaking to a group of 48 students at Iowa State. I was invited by the instructor to come and share my story of prenatal diagnosis and loss with these students who are in an infant development and guidance class. I have actually shared my story with this particular course every semester since Spring of 2006, as I used to be the Teaching Assistant and then Instructor for the course. I'm thinking about this for the first time now, realizing that approximately 550+ students have learned about Chloe's life, death, and legacy just from this one course. That's a treasure to me!

Let me be clear here...it's not the numbers that are important to me. It's not about me coming to speak. It's not about anything I can say or do. It's not about the positive feedback I have received over the years. It's so much more!

"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasures is, there your heart will be also."

Matthew 6:19-21

To me, the real treasure lies in the fact that her life and death contribute to countless heavenly treasures, a few of which are listed below...

Her life and death have changed me.

Her life and death brought my husband into a relationship with Christ.

Her life and death have reached others for Christ.

Her life and death have allowed me to comfort others.

Her life and death have given me opportunity to share the HOPE I have.

Her life and death have provided a ministry for me to serve in.

Her life and death have shown me what it means to love.

Her life and death have revealed a glimpse of God's purpose in my life.

Her life and death have taught her brother and sister how precious life is.

Her life and death continue to amaze me as her legacy lives on.

Our babies leave us these treasures. They are gifts...left behind for us to discover, unwrap and share with those in our world. Who is in your world? Who could benefit from knowing your story? How can God use your child's life to store up treasures in heaven? For some of you, it may be a sister or a girlfriend or a neighbor. Maybe the gift is for you, first. Maybe your own child's life and death will change you in the same way it changed my husband, as he surrendered first to a relationship with Jesus. What is your child's legacy? It's there. Years later, it will remain. As a Mommy with Hope, we can carry this legacy. I can't let Chloe's life define mine, but I can share how God has used her and how He continues to do so. Precious Chloe Marie...she's still leaving a legacy.

In closing, I encourage you to ponder these lyrics from Nichole Nordeman's song, Legacy...

I want to leave a legacy

How will they remember me?

Did I choose to love?

Did I point to you enough to leave a mark on things?

I want to leave an offering

A child of mercy and grace who blessed Your Name unapologetically

I want to leave a legacy...

Lord Jesus, I want to leave a legacy. Thank you for Chloe. Thank you for Jesse and Riyah too. Thank you for using these babies' lives to store up treasures in heaven. They have a legacy lasting into eternity by the way their lives have reached others for your Kingdom. I am truly blessed to be able to share their lives with those in my world. I pray, Lord, that you would continue to use me. I pray that you would do the same for each and every mommy reading this blog. She has a story that I trust You to redeem for your honor and glory! Thank you for loving us so much that You gave Yourself! Amen.

What treasures would you like to share??

Aftermath...

My wholehearted attempt to continue on with this story over a week ago has proved unsuccessful. I am, however, excited to share more with you today! :) To read the previous posts and get up to speed, click here and here.

***

What do you think of when you hear the words funeral home? If you're anything like I used to be, your mind wanders to horrendous decor, odd smells, and an eery feeling of unease. This was my perception prior to my experience with Hamilton's. I was thankful to be proved wrong. To experience a place associated with death as a place of beautiful remembrance. To see a funeral service worker in a pale yellow suit. To feel comforted.

In the days and weeks that followed Chloe's funeral, I learned that Hamilton's was much more than a funeral home. I expected that they would care for Chloe's body, do the service, and that would be that. But it didn't stop there. I learned that there was a division of the company called the Academy of Grief and Loss, which provided a whole array of aftercare services to the families they served as well as to the community. By the time summer was coming to an end, just three short months since Chloe's death, our family was blessed by the opportunity to participate in three of their aftercare services; the Coping with Grief Symposium, Little Hands children's grief program, and Children's Tribute.

Coping with Grief Symposium

Shortly after Chloe died, we were invited to attend this event by Ann, our perinatal hospice nurse. She would have a display up at this event, and so would many others in the community. I could have never imagined that just a couple short years later, I would be standing at a Mommies with Hope display at this very event. Anyway, the grief was so fresh. It was just 3 1/2 weeks after Chloe had died and Justin and I attended this event. It was fabulous. We learned about how to effectively cope with our grief. For us, I think it was just helpful to have permission to grieve and to know that we were not the only ones experiencing it. At the end of the program, we were able to honor our precious Chloe with a candlelighting. As each person passed the flame of their candle, they said the name of the person whom they were remembering aloud. I light this candle in memory of my daughter, Chloe Marie. The words still ring in my mind. I've said them many times over thees last five years.

Little Hands

Another program we learned of in the aftermath of Chloe's death is Little Hands. This is a children's grief program for young children. We wanted to do all that we could to help Gabe, then 4-years-old, understand his grief and remember his baby sister. The three-day program was like everything else we had experienced at Hamiltons ~ wonderful! Gabe, though shy, was able to be around other children who had someone special in their lives die. As a family, we were encouraged to honor and to remember. Yes, remember! I've had others question this where Gabe was concerned. Comments like, "At least he's very young and maybe he'll forget all this happened" or "Are you sure you want him to be a part of all this?" referring to memorials or services. My response? Why would I not want my son to remember his sister? Chloe is a part of our family...she always will be. We will remember her. We will honor her. In Christ, we will see her again.

Children's Tribute

Held in late summer 0f 2006, after having experienced the Coping with Grief Symposium and after Gabe having attended Little Hands in July, we were invited to a Children's Tribute at the funeral home where Chloe's services were held. This tribute was to serve the recent families who had had babies die and who had used Hamilton's Funeral Home. The garden had been dedicated a year earlier in honor of baby Alan. His mommy, Holly, was the one who had helped us with Chloe's service. This particular location houses a beautiful garden, adorned with a 'garden dancer' to represent the children who have died. Each garden dancer has the child's name etched out of it. I know my words do not do justice to explaining this wonderful event, or the beautiful garden dancers, so be sure to click on the link above to see and read more about it. Here is a picture of Gabe in the garden next to Chloe's garden dancer...

An interesting thing happened at the Children's Tribute. Funny, really. We had experienced a beautiful afternoon of remembrance, enjoyed the best butterfly sugar cookies you could imagine, and were blessed by the gift of Chloe's garden dancer to bring home. All of that was wonderful. But another thing happened...something I'll never forget. After the program and while spending some time outside in the garden, I struck up a conversation with Trudy. I had seen Trudy a couple of times by now through all the events we had gone to at Hamilton's. Trudy helped lead the symposium and was one of the helpers at the Little Hands program. Trudy was the Director of Hamilton's Academy of Grief and Loss. I was so impressed by the Academy's services and so blessed to be a recipient, that I had to know more, so I kept asking questions. I remember asking something about employment in the Academy and Trudy informed me that she had a part-time Coordinator, but that the position was vacant and would need to be filled in the near future. Without hesitation, I boldly stated, "Hire me!" While I wasn't hired right away, I did find myself employed as the Academy Coordinator 6 months later!

***

More to come in the days ahead...stay tuned!

The Baby Section...the story continues

If you are just popping in, welcome! Today, I am picking up where I left off yesterday. I am sharing the story of how God has made beauty out of ashes as I reminisce on my first interactions with Hamilton's Funeral Home, now my place of employment. Read on...

***

We slowly walked out the doors of the funeral home on that cold and windy May day. It was unseasonably cold and windy, complementing the storm I felt raging in my heart. My son, then 4 years old, was dressed in a black suit, just like his daddy. Daddy's tie was pink...for Chloe. The three of us filed into the very back of the limousine as Chloe's uncles carefully placed her 3-foot pink casket on the seat in front of us. As we drove to the cemetery, I was numb. I don't recall talking. I can't remember crying. I just remember feeling empty. I was going through the motions of everything that needed to be done that day. Have you been there?

Soon, we turned into the cemetery following the curve around a large duck pond, continuing on the winding road to the far end of the cemetery. We passed hundreds of graves. Some old, some new. Many were embellished with Mother's Day memorabilia and others were seemingly unkempt. Heading back to the "baby section" I braced myself as I saw the blue tent in the distance, knowing that this was where we were headed. This was where Chloe would be buried. This was where we would say goodbye.

When we arrived we walked behind Chloe's casket, carried again by her uncles, and step by step we came closer to the unearthed section of land where she would be laid to rest. With heads bowed low, my husband and I walked hand-in-hand, dreading what was to come. I just wanted it to be over. We sat front and center and in all honesty, the rest is a blur.

The baby section, though oh so very ugly that day, truly is a beautiful place. We had no idea that such an area existed, but Holly and Margo informed us of this when we prearranged, just one week prior. In fact, we had even gone out to the cemetery to see the baby section, just days before Chloe's birth and death. This section, in particular, is quite precious. The entire area is aligned with miniature lilac bushes and a paved path leads straight through the middle of the area, nearly right up to Chloe's grave. Just behind her grave is a full-grown shade tree, which we have had our share of picnics under. In time, after that cold and windy May day, we have made memories and experienced treasured family time visiting her grave. We have laughed and we have cried. We've sat in silence and prayed aloud. We have cleaned it up and adorned it with child-like decor. For quite a time, it became a ritual to take bubbles to the cemetery, where Gabe would blow bubbles for his baby sister. We were also sure to bring stale bread to feed the ducks and geese on our way out. And what a comfort it has been for me to know that the final resting place of her body is amongst others like her, who have gone much too soon. I believe with all my heart that she, the person of who she is [because she most certainly was a person!] is with Jesus. Yet, what a gift to have a place to go, to remember, and to honor her life.

Justin and Gabe blowing bubbles at the cemetery near Chloe's grave. See the miniature lilac bushes in the background? :)

At the duck pond at the cemetery. We have had many experiences with the ducks and geese here, sometimes resulting in a quick getaway to the car once we've run out of bread!

***

Tomorrow, more on the amazing aftercare experiences I had with Hamilton's and my bold plea for employment! :)

Legacy...

Those of us who've experienced loss seldom have the opportunity to share the stories of our children who are with Jesus. In fact, it ca be downright awkward, and oftentimes others deliberately choose not to ask about them. Or, if we do begin to talk about them, the subject quickly changes as the conversation becomes uncomfortable.

Today, however, was not one of those days. Today, I got to share my story...the story of Chloe's life [and death]. More importantly, I got to share how God used her tiny life to change me and to reach others. This is her legacy. She may not have lived long, nor did she accumulate any earthly wealth. Her minutes were few, but her story touches many. Her life was brief, but her legacy is just beginning. Today, I am one proud mamma.

Earlier in the semester (I currently teach college, so I live on semesters), I had the opportunity to speak to an infant development class about the topic of prenatal diagnosis and perinatal loss. I shared my personal story about this very topic and candidly spoke about Chloe, my faith, and the experience as a whole. I have done this every semester for the last four years, so it was nothing new for me to share. I was happy to have done it and thankful for the opportunity.

Several weeks later, a student unexpectedly arrived at my office, stating that she had been in that classroom that day. As a Christian herself, she was so pleased to hear me speak of faith at a large, secular institution. I thought to myself, and probably even voiced, "How could I not when it's such a huge part of the story?" For me, it's nearly impossible to detangle them from one another because they have been weaved together from the very start. The very act of human creation is a picture of this very thing, as in Psalm 139, God's Word states,

"For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made..."

Psalm 139:13-14

The student explained to me that she had an assignment to do for a journalism class and was hoping that I would allow her to interview me about my experience. Her completed project would be comprised of a written story, along with a presentation of sound clips (from our audiotaped interview) and pictures of Chloe that I'd be willing to share.

My initial thought to myself was, "I'm too busy!" In fact, the time in which she dropped in on me was sandwiched in between two other "interviews" with students who were completing projects for other class assignments. I jokingly told my friend, who is also in academia, that I think students were assigned to interview their worst professor this semester because I literally had 6 other interviews with students! I digress. Anyway....I was immediately intrigued with this student's project and embraced it. I felt as thought it were a wonderful opportunity to share Chloe's life and my faith in Christ. How could I say no?

So, we met this morning over a warm cup of coffee and I shared. I told her about Chloe and how we had planned for her. I told her about the dreaded day of her diagnosis and the choices no mommy should ever have to face. I told her about Gabe and his loving heart toward his baby sister; a sister he'd never really know on earth, but who is still very much a part of our family. I told her about Justin and his sacrificial love, care, and protection over me through this difficult time. I told her about how Justin met Jesus for the very first time. I told her of friends who came alongside and walked through the valley with us. I told her about you, my fellow mommies, who have sadly walked this road too. I told her about my hope in Jesus and how I couldn't imagine going through it without Him. I told her all this and more and it was wonderful to share. This is Chloe's legacy. This is her life. She is reaching others...one student, one "mommy," one college class, one blog reader at a time. God is using her for His glory and I have done nothing more than simply obey.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to his purpose."

Romans 8:28

Even if you can't see it in the fog of your grief right now, I want you to know that your child has a legacy too! Indeed, that baby's life has purpose. Perhaps some of you have already discovered some aspects of their legacy. Others of you may have yet to uncover such treasures. I'd love to hear from you...whether it's a prayer request for discernment or a way in which you've felt called...

How have you been able to carry on the legacy of your own child? In what ways do you feel called to do this very thing?

In the Word Wednesday...Is This a Punishment? (Ch. 4)

Please forgive the delay on this post! My laptop has seemed to crash :( and my computer time has been limited as a result. So, please send prayers my way for this laptop situation. This may be a little deep, but I truly believe this little hang up is a part of a larger spiritual battle going on...the Enemy would want nothing more than to keep these Jesus-lovin', gospel-proclaimin' fingertips from typing up some Truth for all you ladies!

NOTE: Giveaway winners will be announced later today....promise!

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Why is God punishing me? I know I have sin in my life. Is that the reason He took my baby? I've had multiple miscarriages or losses...there must be something I'm doing wrong! I don't have any living children...maybe I'm not fit to be a mom to children on earth?

Some of you may read the above questions or statements and wonder how someone could think such a thing. Others of you may read them and feel a sense of relief in knowing that you weren't the only one who's had such thoughts. In fact, that's the way I felt when reading Chapter 4 of Becky's book, And Then You Were Gone. While it pained me to know she too wrestled with such thoughts, I was comforted to know that I wasn't alone. Perhaps you can relate?

Becky shared some great points from Scripture that I want to highlight and challenge each of us to reflect upon and think about...

One of the passages of Scripture that she shared in Chapter 4 has brought me incredible comfort in my own loss experiences; John 9:1-3. This is the story of Jesus healing a blind man. Before Jesus performs His healing work, the disciples question the situation. They ask about who sinned that caused the man to be born blind...was it him or his parents? Jesus so lovingly responds by saying, neither this man nor his parents sinned, but this happened so that the work of God may be displayed in His life. Did you get that? So that the work of God would be displayed in his life! Wow. I cannot tell you what a relief it is to see this specific example in Scripture. I could go on with some of the ways in which I have seen God at work in and through my own loss experiences, but today, I'd rather hear from you...

Think about how this story relates to your own experience of loss. What is your reaction to this story? Have you seen God's work displayed in your life? Have you allowed God to work in and through your loss experience?

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There's so much more to say about this chapter, and I intend to via video, so stay tuned. For now, reflect upon the questions posed above and please share your thoughts in the comments.