Another Chapter...

I look back over the past five years and am amazed at all that has taken place in my life.  Five summers ago, life was a blur as the grief was fresh and pain ran deep in the shadow of Chloe's birth and death.  Then, there were days that I didn't have the strength to even move myself from the couch.  I'd lie in bed at night waiting for Justin to fall asleep before I let the tears fall.  Sometimes, I'd shake so hard from crying that he'd wake up and just hold me.  The only words I could muster were, "It's not fair!  I just want her here!"  Some days it seemed there would be no reprieve from the grief.

View from my conference hotel room.

As I write this evening, I peer out the window of a hotel room in Wisconsin overlooking the Mississippi River and I feel an overwhelming sense of peace as I marvel at God's creation.  Without going into much detail, I will share that I am here for a conference as a part of my work, which is a two-day training to offer a hospital-based support group for couples who've experienced the loss of a baby through pregnancy or infant loss.  

It's odd being on the "other end" of this sort of thing; to sit in a room full of professionals who companion bereaved parents such as myself but who very likely have never experienced the loss of their own babies.  The presenters show videos, share stories, and provide information about how to help these families.  I take in the information, but my heart and my mind are in rewind as I remember.  I think back to the mementos created for Chloe and I feel bittersweetly blessed.  I think of Jesse who left this world far too soon; my baby who only few know about.  Then I remember miss Riyah Mae whose little heart stopped beating at the beginning of my second trimester.  So much loss.  So many memories.  So much pain.

Yet healing has come and peace envelopes me as I embrace this new chapter that God has written.  I would have never weaved these stories into the fabric of my life.  Still, my heavenly Father knows each and every detail as it has come to pass and as the pages turn.  He knew that He would use precious Chloe to help form Mommies with Hope.  He knew that her life would bring me back to His Son.  He knew that her life would lead her earthly daddy to eternal life.  He knew that He would build His kingdom through me.  He knew that doors would be open for the ministry to grow.  He knew that He would provide a way for me to share His promises with a world of mommies who so desperately need His Son.  He knew that He'd use me in my work at the funeral home - a place I would have never dreamt of working!  He knew that a partnership would form in a secular world where He could use me to really reach out and help others.  Only He knows how He will continue to use me, use this ministry, and use the stories as I embark on this new endeavor.  I am so thankful that He alone is the author and I trust Him as the pages continue to turn in yet another chapter...

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you; plans to give you a hope and a future.'"

She's Still Leaving a Legacy

I'm taking a break from continuing on with sharing about my journey with Hamilton's to acknowledge something that I absolutely treasure. What is this thing, you ask? Well, it's the very fact that Chloe, nearly five years since her death, is still leaving a legacy.

Today, I have the amazing privilege of speaking to a group of 48 students at Iowa State. I was invited by the instructor to come and share my story of prenatal diagnosis and loss with these students who are in an infant development and guidance class. I have actually shared my story with this particular course every semester since Spring of 2006, as I used to be the Teaching Assistant and then Instructor for the course. I'm thinking about this for the first time now, realizing that approximately 550+ students have learned about Chloe's life, death, and legacy just from this one course. That's a treasure to me!

Let me be clear here...it's not the numbers that are important to me. It's not about me coming to speak. It's not about anything I can say or do. It's not about the positive feedback I have received over the years. It's so much more!

"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasures is, there your heart will be also."

Matthew 6:19-21

To me, the real treasure lies in the fact that her life and death contribute to countless heavenly treasures, a few of which are listed below...

Her life and death have changed me.

Her life and death brought my husband into a relationship with Christ.

Her life and death have reached others for Christ.

Her life and death have allowed me to comfort others.

Her life and death have given me opportunity to share the HOPE I have.

Her life and death have provided a ministry for me to serve in.

Her life and death have shown me what it means to love.

Her life and death have revealed a glimpse of God's purpose in my life.

Her life and death have taught her brother and sister how precious life is.

Her life and death continue to amaze me as her legacy lives on.

Our babies leave us these treasures. They are gifts...left behind for us to discover, unwrap and share with those in our world. Who is in your world? Who could benefit from knowing your story? How can God use your child's life to store up treasures in heaven? For some of you, it may be a sister or a girlfriend or a neighbor. Maybe the gift is for you, first. Maybe your own child's life and death will change you in the same way it changed my husband, as he surrendered first to a relationship with Jesus. What is your child's legacy? It's there. Years later, it will remain. As a Mommy with Hope, we can carry this legacy. I can't let Chloe's life define mine, but I can share how God has used her and how He continues to do so. Precious Chloe Marie...she's still leaving a legacy.

In closing, I encourage you to ponder these lyrics from Nichole Nordeman's song, Legacy...

I want to leave a legacy

How will they remember me?

Did I choose to love?

Did I point to you enough to leave a mark on things?

I want to leave an offering

A child of mercy and grace who blessed Your Name unapologetically

I want to leave a legacy...

Lord Jesus, I want to leave a legacy. Thank you for Chloe. Thank you for Jesse and Riyah too. Thank you for using these babies' lives to store up treasures in heaven. They have a legacy lasting into eternity by the way their lives have reached others for your Kingdom. I am truly blessed to be able to share their lives with those in my world. I pray, Lord, that you would continue to use me. I pray that you would do the same for each and every mommy reading this blog. She has a story that I trust You to redeem for your honor and glory! Thank you for loving us so much that You gave Yourself! Amen.

What treasures would you like to share??

12 Days of Christmas Countdown...

Counting today, Christmas is 12 days away. Before you begin to panic about all the things on your to-do list, hang in here with me for a moment as I share the plans for our 12-day Christmas Countdown right here on the blog! And by the way...all who participate in our countdown over the next twelve days will be eligible to win a special gift!

I realize that many of us absolutely dread the holidays. For some, it's a reminder of the emptiness we feel as yet another year goes by. For others, it's the dreary weather that exacerbates our already aching hearts. And for others still, it can be a time of facing the growing families around us, only to be reminded of the longing in one's own heart. Churches are filled with children's Christmas programs and little ones in their Sunday's best and the wonder of Christmas fills their beaming eyes. The bottom line is that Christmas, just like many other special days, can be tough. Given that, let's purpose to do something this year. Let's choose to celebrate. Yes, we have a choice! So let us choose, for the next twelve days, to unwrap the gifts left behind by each of our precious babies lives. These "gifts" can be tangible things (such as an ultrasound picture or a special memento or blankie) or non-tangible (such as a life/spiritual lesson).

You all know that the greatest gifts must be shared! So, just as I will share the "gifts" left behind by my babies, I look forward to unwrapping the gifts of your own children as you leave your comments in the blog. I truly believe that in sharing, we will all be blessed. So won't you join in? (Say yes! Say yes! Say yes!)

We are going to do this to the tune of the song you are all familiar with, just to make it fun and interesting. If you would like, feel free to write some additional thoughts about your "gift" after you've shared it with us. I will joyfully kick things off...

On the first day of Christmas, my baby left for me...

A super snuggly striped blankie!

This particular blankie that I speak of has caught many a tears and has warmed my body and my heart on the coldest days of my grief. With admitted reluctance, I began to let my two-and-a-half-year-old daughter sleep with her big sister's blankie this past year and couldn't be more pleased with the decision. It is a sweet and treasured blessing to hear her say with excitement, "my Chloe" when she snuggles up to this special blankie!

***

Your turn, ladies! Share your "gifts" in the comments...

Words from a Mommy's Heart...

This past Sunday, a special memorial service was held for a precious baby girl named Lulu. While I have not had the privilege of meeting Lulu's mommy face-to-face, the bonds of our grieving hearts have brought us together online. With Kimberlee's permission, this post is dedicated in honor and memory of her daughter Lulu, who went to be with Jesus on October 4th of this year. In an email, Kimberlee explained to me that she wrestled with whether or not to share at the memorial service. However, she felt that God gave her this story for a purpose. Even through such a trial as this, she has seen and felt His unwavering love. This love is a message she could not stuff away. She is a true example faith as she praises Him, even now in the midst of her grief. In her email, she writes the following as she refers to Lulu's life and death...

"...this is what I know deep down. He is awesome, He is faithful, His love cannot be put into words, but that is the closest I can come. And I am so grateful that His love finally surpassed my knowledge."

And now, the words from our fellow "Mommy," which she shared at Lulu's memorial service...

I was raised in the church, so I have always heard about God’s love, “God loves you, Jesus loves you, if you were the only person on earth Jesus still would have died for you.” There have been many ways even throughout the pregnancy that He has shown me He loves me. After we lost lulu, the first scripture the Holy Spirit gave me about His love was Eph 3:17-19 “And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses all knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.” I love how God works, because in March, when we had gotten lulu’s diagnosis, the first scripture He gave me was the following verses in Eph 3:20-21!

So a couple weeks ago I was hit with sadness, feeling sad that lulu had not been healed, longing to have my baby here with us. Reminding myself God loves me, I read 1 John 3:1 that says “How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!” The word “children” got my attention and I thought about my own love for my children, living and dead. And then I thought how I am a child of God, He loves me so much He calls me child. What a beautiful word! What a loving Father! What an honor to be His child! It took losing lulu to really get His love for me, how deep and wide and long and high His love for me feels. What should have taken becoming a parent to get, took losing a child. Only God knew what it would take to get through to me and I am so grateful for His love!

Naturally, I still long for lulu. It makes me think of how God must long for His children that have not chosen Him. Rom 5:8 “But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” God’s plan to have all His children be able to spend eternity with Him included that His perfect only Son, Jesus, was sacrificed for all our sins. He has already chosen us! We just have to choose Him. What a loss, what a sacrifice, but what a greater gain for us all. We love you God because you first loved us.

***

If you have any words of encouragement for Kimberlee or would like to share how this post blessed you, please leave them in the comments below. I am sure she will cherish knowing how precious Lulu's story has blessed you today.

Legacy...

Those of us who've experienced loss seldom have the opportunity to share the stories of our children who are with Jesus. In fact, it ca be downright awkward, and oftentimes others deliberately choose not to ask about them. Or, if we do begin to talk about them, the subject quickly changes as the conversation becomes uncomfortable.

Today, however, was not one of those days. Today, I got to share my story...the story of Chloe's life [and death]. More importantly, I got to share how God used her tiny life to change me and to reach others. This is her legacy. She may not have lived long, nor did she accumulate any earthly wealth. Her minutes were few, but her story touches many. Her life was brief, but her legacy is just beginning. Today, I am one proud mamma.

Earlier in the semester (I currently teach college, so I live on semesters), I had the opportunity to speak to an infant development class about the topic of prenatal diagnosis and perinatal loss. I shared my personal story about this very topic and candidly spoke about Chloe, my faith, and the experience as a whole. I have done this every semester for the last four years, so it was nothing new for me to share. I was happy to have done it and thankful for the opportunity.

Several weeks later, a student unexpectedly arrived at my office, stating that she had been in that classroom that day. As a Christian herself, she was so pleased to hear me speak of faith at a large, secular institution. I thought to myself, and probably even voiced, "How could I not when it's such a huge part of the story?" For me, it's nearly impossible to detangle them from one another because they have been weaved together from the very start. The very act of human creation is a picture of this very thing, as in Psalm 139, God's Word states,

"For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made..."

Psalm 139:13-14

The student explained to me that she had an assignment to do for a journalism class and was hoping that I would allow her to interview me about my experience. Her completed project would be comprised of a written story, along with a presentation of sound clips (from our audiotaped interview) and pictures of Chloe that I'd be willing to share.

My initial thought to myself was, "I'm too busy!" In fact, the time in which she dropped in on me was sandwiched in between two other "interviews" with students who were completing projects for other class assignments. I jokingly told my friend, who is also in academia, that I think students were assigned to interview their worst professor this semester because I literally had 6 other interviews with students! I digress. Anyway....I was immediately intrigued with this student's project and embraced it. I felt as thought it were a wonderful opportunity to share Chloe's life and my faith in Christ. How could I say no?

So, we met this morning over a warm cup of coffee and I shared. I told her about Chloe and how we had planned for her. I told her about the dreaded day of her diagnosis and the choices no mommy should ever have to face. I told her about Gabe and his loving heart toward his baby sister; a sister he'd never really know on earth, but who is still very much a part of our family. I told her about Justin and his sacrificial love, care, and protection over me through this difficult time. I told her about how Justin met Jesus for the very first time. I told her of friends who came alongside and walked through the valley with us. I told her about you, my fellow mommies, who have sadly walked this road too. I told her about my hope in Jesus and how I couldn't imagine going through it without Him. I told her all this and more and it was wonderful to share. This is Chloe's legacy. This is her life. She is reaching others...one student, one "mommy," one college class, one blog reader at a time. God is using her for His glory and I have done nothing more than simply obey.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to his purpose."

Romans 8:28

Even if you can't see it in the fog of your grief right now, I want you to know that your child has a legacy too! Indeed, that baby's life has purpose. Perhaps some of you have already discovered some aspects of their legacy. Others of you may have yet to uncover such treasures. I'd love to hear from you...whether it's a prayer request for discernment or a way in which you've felt called...

How have you been able to carry on the legacy of your own child? In what ways do you feel called to do this very thing?