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Come and find solace as you get to know us who share in this journey of grief. We have been praying for you and extend our deepest and sincere sympathy. We “hope” you experience comfort and peace in this safe haven of love and support.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Bittersweet Days...

For those of us who have endured the loss of a baby, Mother's Day may be anything but happy. Bittersweet seems to be a better descriptor in light of my experience. Regardless of how we may describe it or individually experience it, I think we would all agree that Mother's Day truly is a special day.

I would like to tell you that I had it all together this Mother's Day weekend. I wish I could say that my days were filled with joy and remembrance as I honored my three babies in heaven and cherished my two on earth. I long to share a hope and encouragement to each of you who are grieving this Mother's Day.

Can I honestly tell you that I had it all together? Not even close.

Can I say that my weekend was joy-filled with remembrance? Remembrance - yes! Joy-filled, not so much.

Did I act as though I truly cherished my two living children on earth? Confession - I did not.

Can I share a hope and encouragement with each of you this Mother's Day? Yes, I can! Not on my own strength, but on the strength of God alone in whom I find comfort and peace.

I reflect back on the weekend with mixed feelings. I did all the things I thought I should do. We purchased flowers for our memory garden, an annual tradition always to take place Mother's Day weekend. I spent the day planting flowers, filling my pots, and pulling weeds. The landscaping was finally beginning to take shape and the house exuded some much-needed curb appeal. I worked hard, I kept busy, and the job was complete. I had done my thing. In and of itself, this was a good thing. Unfortunately, the Mother's Day tradition that I had come to love as a way of honoring and remembering my three babies in heaven, had failed to incorporate one very important thing; a tending to my attitude.

I was merely going through the motions. I didn't stop to pray and thank God for His blessings. I failed to show gratefulness for my two living children. I treated my husband with a sense of entitlement, failing to acknowledge his grief. I was irritable and mean, robbed of the joy I claim in Christ. I was throwing myself a pity party, yet putting on a strong facade, going about my garden work. The work needed not be done in my garden, but in the very soil of my own heart. Instead of planting flowers and filling pots, I needed to be planting seeds of gratitude to my family and filling my heart with God's Word. Rather than weeding out my lawn, I needed to weed out the bitterness that had taken root.

As I contemplate over the events of the weekend, I am reminded of Psalm 118:24, which says:

"This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it."

Really? Today? A day that celebrates Motherhood, when I have three babies in heaven? God so gently whispers to my soul, "Yes, today." Others of you may pose a similar line of questioning, wondering if you should be celebrating when you have no living children or possess a longing for a child that is yet to be conceived. Again, the answer is, "Yes, today." I would even go so far as to say, today and tomorrow and the next day. Each and every day. It is hard and bittersweet and that's okay. Let us not, however, let the difficulty of the situation give root to bitterness in our hearts. Instead, may our hearts be filled with thanksgiving for all that God has done for us, chief of all is the fact that He willingly sent HIS OWN SON to die for each of us. What a humbling thought to ponder in light of my own loss; that Jesus would die on the cross for a sinner like me. Thank You, Lord. Help me to always remember and always be thankful for Your sacrifice, even on the bittersweet, difficult days like today.

1 comment:

java diva said...

Thank you for your honesty, Teske. This was my first Mother's day with a child in Heaven and I planned for it to be peaceful. I forgot to pray over it and so Satan threw in a curve ball, but with God's grace He helped me recover instead of letting it ruin my mood for the day.
I believe I was able to celebrate this first Mother's day peacefully, because God wanted me to remember where lulu is. And that is not a pat answer or a bandaid. It is comforting and makes this Mother's day extra special, that I can rejoice! Every mom can say she has a child, but not every mom can say her child has been promoted to glory.