When it Hurts

I am no stranger to grief and my guess is, neither are you. It has not been an easy road to say the least. As a child, I recall my grandpa's death. Mom was making pancakes when the phone call came informing us of his heart attack. Next thing I knew, she was gone and days later my cousins and I were all together under the careful watch of a babysitter while the rest of the family gathered for the service. Just a couple short years later, my childhood friend's big sister was shot and killed the summer before her senior year of high school. I was afraid of death. Afraid of what happened. Sad for my friend. Frightened by the nightmare I vividly remember having after attending the funeral. I remember looking next door one early morning in the aftermath of her death, only to see her daddy outside crying. He was so sad. I was sad for him.

It wasn't until college that grief truly rocked my world. At the vulnerable age of 18, I was new to the college scene, living in a different town with different friends and scenery. It was a welcome change. Then, I got the call from mom that my step-brother had been in a terrible car accident. He was hit by a drunk driver. Oh, the injustice. One week later, he died. My brother came to my college dorm and along with his fiance, who he was to marry that very week, and they told me the news. I was broken. Thinking back, I wonder, how did we do a funeral on Friday and a wedding on Saturday? It hurt then and it hurts now as I remember.

A few short years later commenced the beginning of the painful path of Chloe's death and pregnancy losses of two more precious babies, Jesse and Riyah Mae. Different children. Different gestations. Different experiences. The same love for each one. The same pain. The feeling that it just wasn't fair. How can someone miss a baby she never even knew? I promise you - she can. And she does. I miss every one of them. Last year, grandma went to be with Jesus. Dear Grandma, tell them how much I love them so. Tell them what their mamma is like. I remember when I visited Grandma in her hospital room. She took my hand and she said to me just a few words that I will always cherish: "Teske...you're a good mommy. You're a good mommy." That means the world to me coming from a woman who raised 14 children and who experienced the death of three babies of her own.

Today is one of those days when it hurts. It hurts to remember it all. It hurts to think about the reality of the circumstances we face; a result of living in a fallen world. Sin abounds. Death stings. Grief runs deep. People fail us...over and over again. People hurt us...over and over again. Situations remind us of the reality of the injustice of it all. The grief is real and raw and can't be avoided. It just hurts in the most tender spot. It's a deep down to the core kind of hurt. It can't be numbed or stuffed or put off for another day. Today is one of those days when it hurts.

I am at a place where right now, today on one of those days when it hurts, I need to park my heart and mind on the Truth of God's Word. I need to saturate myself in the reality of Who He is and Whose I am. I need to remind myself of the goodness of my God in the midst of my mess. Even when it hurts, here is what I know about my Jesus...

He heals my broken heart and binds up all my wounds. (Psalm 147:3)

My help comes from Him. (Psalm 121:2)

Because of Him, death has no sting. (1 Corinthians 15:54)

He never changes. (James 1:17)

He is my refuge. (Psalm 91:2)

He gives me peace as I place my trust in Him. (Isaiah 26:3)

He will work all things for good because I love Him. (Romans 8:28)

He wants me to come to Him and rest in Him. (Matthew 11:28)

I can do all things, even this, through Him because He alone is my strength. (Philippians 4:13)

He has a plan for my life. (Jeremiah 29:11)

When I seek Him, I will find Him. (Jeremiah 29:13)

He is near. (Philippians 4:5)

He gave His life for me. (John 3:16)

None of this really matters because He has overcome it all. (John 16:33) I belong to Him...Hallelujah, there is victory in Christ!

These truths and so many more wrap me in a blanket of peace as I experience, feel, and remember. Today is a day when it hurts. The pain is real, but so is my Savior, who redeems all things for His glory and my good. Trusting Jesus...even when it hurts.