The reality is that these last few days have been really difficult as Christmas draws near. So, I think I told myself that I was too busy, had too much baking to do, too many meals to prepare and my out-of-town father to entertain. I told myself that I didn't feel well enough to write or think about the "gifts" of my babies for that particular day. One day led into another and then another. Now, here I sit fresh off of a Christmas eve meltdown, pouring out the reality of what a grieving mommy really looks like during the holidays. Unlike the chocolate caramel Rolo cookies I just pulled out of the oven, there is no sugar-coating my grief.
It has been a blessing to me to think about the "gifts" that my babies have left for me this past week and half or so. I have also been blessed by the many "gifts" that you, my fellow mommies, have shared in the comments. Keep them coming! As I have contemplated over these gifts and tried to think of something clever to fit perfectly into days 9, 10, and 11 for our countdown, my heart feels compelled to step outside my perfectionist box, and share the following thoughts about days 9, 10, and 11 altogether...
So, with hope (and a little bit off beat) I continue singing my countdown...
On the ninth, tenth, and eleventh days of Christmas my babies left for me...
Three days closer to eternity...
Eight comforting song lyrics
Seven stockings hanging
Six words from Scripture
Fiiiiive precious children
Four changed lives
Three burning candles
Two tiny foot prints
And a super snuggly, striped blankie!
Three days closer to eternity...
That's right...I totally just merged three days into one. I'm crazy like that. But on a more serious note...tonight, on the even of Christmas, there is a deep longing in my heart for each one of my babies. I admit, I've been in a "funk" the last few days. I knew it was grief, but have denied it in numerous ways. One of which included avoiding my blog writing. As I've thought more and more about the gifts each of my babies have left behind, which truly are many, I decided to lump days nine, ten, and eleven together because the mere sequence of these days brought me great comfort. How so, you may wonder? Simply stated, with each day that passes, I am one day closer to seeing my Savior face-to-face. That is truly a gift. The journey, though hard, brings me closer spiritually to my Jesus on this side of heaven and gives me cause for hope in eternity. And isn't that what Christmas is all about...Hope.
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1 comment:
I know what you mean. I had do write days 7-12 in one sitting because of that "sneaky grief". Instead of leaving a huge comment, I'll just post a link to my blog:
http://orangecowcat.blogspot.com/
It has all 12 of my days. Thank you, Teske, for this wonderful idea. Just thinking things through helped me a little to focus my energy on something positive. My first Christmas without Jonah was much more difficult than I imagined it would be. My SIL had a baby in March and last night, we all got together at my mother-in-law's house. Ella was wearing a shirt that said "My first Christmas" and suddenly it hit me pretty hard that it would be Jonah's first as well. And as much as I am thankful that Jonah gets to spend his first Christmas in heaven with Jesus, I sure wish he was here.
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