Another Chapter...

I look back over the past five years and am amazed at all that has taken place in my life.  Five summers ago, life was a blur as the grief was fresh and pain ran deep in the shadow of Chloe's birth and death.  Then, there were days that I didn't have the strength to even move myself from the couch.  I'd lie in bed at night waiting for Justin to fall asleep before I let the tears fall.  Sometimes, I'd shake so hard from crying that he'd wake up and just hold me.  The only words I could muster were, "It's not fair!  I just want her here!"  Some days it seemed there would be no reprieve from the grief.

View from my conference hotel room.

As I write this evening, I peer out the window of a hotel room in Wisconsin overlooking the Mississippi River and I feel an overwhelming sense of peace as I marvel at God's creation.  Without going into much detail, I will share that I am here for a conference as a part of my work, which is a two-day training to offer a hospital-based support group for couples who've experienced the loss of a baby through pregnancy or infant loss.  

It's odd being on the "other end" of this sort of thing; to sit in a room full of professionals who companion bereaved parents such as myself but who very likely have never experienced the loss of their own babies.  The presenters show videos, share stories, and provide information about how to help these families.  I take in the information, but my heart and my mind are in rewind as I remember.  I think back to the mementos created for Chloe and I feel bittersweetly blessed.  I think of Jesse who left this world far too soon; my baby who only few know about.  Then I remember miss Riyah Mae whose little heart stopped beating at the beginning of my second trimester.  So much loss.  So many memories.  So much pain.

Yet healing has come and peace envelopes me as I embrace this new chapter that God has written.  I would have never weaved these stories into the fabric of my life.  Still, my heavenly Father knows each and every detail as it has come to pass and as the pages turn.  He knew that He would use precious Chloe to help form Mommies with Hope.  He knew that her life would bring me back to His Son.  He knew that her life would lead her earthly daddy to eternal life.  He knew that He would build His kingdom through me.  He knew that doors would be open for the ministry to grow.  He knew that He would provide a way for me to share His promises with a world of mommies who so desperately need His Son.  He knew that He'd use me in my work at the funeral home - a place I would have never dreamt of working!  He knew that a partnership would form in a secular world where He could use me to really reach out and help others.  Only He knows how He will continue to use me, use this ministry, and use the stories as I embark on this new endeavor.  I am so thankful that He alone is the author and I trust Him as the pages continue to turn in yet another chapter...

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you; plans to give you a hope and a future.'"