She's Still Leaving a Legacy

I'm taking a break from continuing on with sharing about my journey with Hamilton's to acknowledge something that I absolutely treasure. What is this thing, you ask? Well, it's the very fact that Chloe, nearly five years since her death, is still leaving a legacy.

Today, I have the amazing privilege of speaking to a group of 48 students at Iowa State. I was invited by the instructor to come and share my story of prenatal diagnosis and loss with these students who are in an infant development and guidance class. I have actually shared my story with this particular course every semester since Spring of 2006, as I used to be the Teaching Assistant and then Instructor for the course. I'm thinking about this for the first time now, realizing that approximately 550+ students have learned about Chloe's life, death, and legacy just from this one course. That's a treasure to me!

Let me be clear here...it's not the numbers that are important to me. It's not about me coming to speak. It's not about anything I can say or do. It's not about the positive feedback I have received over the years. It's so much more!

"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasures is, there your heart will be also."

Matthew 6:19-21

To me, the real treasure lies in the fact that her life and death contribute to countless heavenly treasures, a few of which are listed below...

Her life and death have changed me.

Her life and death brought my husband into a relationship with Christ.

Her life and death have reached others for Christ.

Her life and death have allowed me to comfort others.

Her life and death have given me opportunity to share the HOPE I have.

Her life and death have provided a ministry for me to serve in.

Her life and death have shown me what it means to love.

Her life and death have revealed a glimpse of God's purpose in my life.

Her life and death have taught her brother and sister how precious life is.

Her life and death continue to amaze me as her legacy lives on.

Our babies leave us these treasures. They are gifts...left behind for us to discover, unwrap and share with those in our world. Who is in your world? Who could benefit from knowing your story? How can God use your child's life to store up treasures in heaven? For some of you, it may be a sister or a girlfriend or a neighbor. Maybe the gift is for you, first. Maybe your own child's life and death will change you in the same way it changed my husband, as he surrendered first to a relationship with Jesus. What is your child's legacy? It's there. Years later, it will remain. As a Mommy with Hope, we can carry this legacy. I can't let Chloe's life define mine, but I can share how God has used her and how He continues to do so. Precious Chloe Marie...she's still leaving a legacy.

In closing, I encourage you to ponder these lyrics from Nichole Nordeman's song, Legacy...

I want to leave a legacy

How will they remember me?

Did I choose to love?

Did I point to you enough to leave a mark on things?

I want to leave an offering

A child of mercy and grace who blessed Your Name unapologetically

I want to leave a legacy...

Lord Jesus, I want to leave a legacy. Thank you for Chloe. Thank you for Jesse and Riyah too. Thank you for using these babies' lives to store up treasures in heaven. They have a legacy lasting into eternity by the way their lives have reached others for your Kingdom. I am truly blessed to be able to share their lives with those in my world. I pray, Lord, that you would continue to use me. I pray that you would do the same for each and every mommy reading this blog. She has a story that I trust You to redeem for your honor and glory! Thank you for loving us so much that You gave Yourself! Amen.

What treasures would you like to share??

And the Winner is...

For those of you who have been following along these last couple of weeks, we have been spending our time counting down to Christmas (which I hope was blessed for each of you!), all the while honoring our precious babies by unwrapping the "gifts" that they have left us! It has been a bittersweet time for me, personally. It is always a treasure to think about the impact of each of my babies in heaven.

Without further ado, I am super excited to share the "special gift" I've been talking about for the last two weeks! It is a beautiful, hand-made piece of jewelry, made by Lisa Leonard! I have LOVED her jewelry every since I first came across it and just had to bless someone with her amazing work. So, one of you (I promise I'll cut to the chase soon!) is receiving this necklace, which is called "marked by love" necklace, pictured below!

Yay!! The winner is: java diva! Email me at teske@mommieswithhope.com, girlfriend! You are the lucky winner of this beautiful necklace, which will be complete with personalization on the back (a name, date, initials...whatever you want!)!

And finally, you have to read the story behind this necklace, referred to as "audrey's necklace"...it's just precious, and one that many of you may be familiar with...

"some lives, though short, profoundly change the world and leave a mark on our hearts. for moms who have lost a child, their hearts are forever marked by love. this beautiful necklace was created in collaboration with angie smith {bring the rain} who lost her baby girl, audrey caroline.

a 1" hand-cast sterling pendant is hand-stamped with love on the front. customize the back with a name, date or short phrase. a beautiful reminder of life and love."

To visit Lisa Leonard's site, click here. To read Angie Smith's blog, click here!

Be blessed!

12 Days...Many Gifts

I pray you each had a wonderful, hope-filled Christmas! I enjoyed a day with family. Today, I was happy to just relax. This Christmas Countdown has admittedly been quite a challenge!

In awe at the wonder of the season, I sing...

On the twelfth day of Christmas my babies left for me...

Twelve precious cousins

Eleven, Ten, Nine = Three days closer to eternity

Eight comforting song lyrics

Seven stockings hanging

Six words from Scripture

Fiiiiive precious children

Four changed lives

Three burning candles

Two tiny foot prints

And a super snuggly, striped blankie!

Twelve precious cousins...

When I was pregnant with Chloe, I remember being so excited by the fact that she would have two cousins about her same age. Turns out, both of those babies were little girls too and I now have two precious 5-year-old nieces. The family has continued to grow since then, and to date, Chloe has twelve cousins ranging in age from newborn to almost 16! One of her cousins is already in heaven with her and that is such a precious thought to me. Matthew went to be with Jesus just over a year before Chloe did. While we don't get together as an extended family as often as we'd like, it is always hard to see my young nieces playing together when we do. It always hits me that Chloe is missing. She should be with them, but instead, she's gone. She's gone. As quickly as I let those two words flow from my fingertips, I must stand corrected. She's not gone. She's with her baby siblings and her cousin. She's with Jesus. She's home.

***

Thanks to each one of you who have shared your "gifts!" I have truly been blessed by reading each and every one of your comments. Continue to share and be entered into the drawing for a special gift. The gift and the winner will be announced on Tuesday, so stay tuned!

Nine, Ten, and Eleven

First thing's first...it's no surprise to any of you that I've slacked on our Christmas countdown these last three days. It was intended to be a daily occurrence! I'm sorry. I could tell you it's because of the busyness of these last few days ~ the baking, the cooking, the entertaining, etc. I could tell you that it's because of the horrible cold I've had. I could probably think of many different excuses.

The reality is that these last few days have been really difficult as Christmas draws near. So, I think I told myself that I was too busy, had too much baking to do, too many meals to prepare and my out-of-town father to entertain. I told myself that I didn't feel well enough to write or think about the "gifts" of my babies for that particular day. One day led into another and then another. Now, here I sit fresh off of a Christmas eve meltdown, pouring out the reality of what a grieving mommy really looks like during the holidays. Unlike the chocolate caramel Rolo cookies I just pulled out of the oven, there is no sugar-coating my grief.

It has been a blessing to me to think about the "gifts" that my babies have left for me this past week and half or so. I have also been blessed by the many "gifts" that you, my fellow mommies, have shared in the comments. Keep them coming! As I have contemplated over these gifts and tried to think of something clever to fit perfectly into days 9, 10, and 11 for our countdown, my heart feels compelled to step outside my perfectionist box, and share the following thoughts about days 9, 10, and 11 altogether...

So, with hope (and a little bit off beat) I continue singing my countdown...

On the ninth, tenth, and eleventh days of Christmas my babies left for me...

Three days closer to eternity...

Eight comforting song lyrics

Seven stockings hanging

Six words from Scripture

Fiiiiive precious children

Four changed lives

Three burning candles

Two tiny foot prints

And a super snuggly, striped blankie!

Three days closer to eternity...

That's right...I totally just merged three days into one. I'm crazy like that. But on a more serious note...tonight, on the even of Christmas, there is a deep longing in my heart for each one of my babies. I admit, I've been in a "funk" the last few days. I knew it was grief, but have denied it in numerous ways. One of which included avoiding my blog writing. As I've thought more and more about the gifts each of my babies have left behind, which truly are many, I decided to lump days nine, ten, and eleven together because the mere sequence of these days brought me great comfort. How so, you may wonder? Simply stated, with each day that passes, I am one day closer to seeing my Savior face-to-face. That is truly a gift. The journey, though hard, brings me closer spiritually to my Jesus on this side of heaven and gives me cause for hope in eternity. And isn't that what Christmas is all about...Hope.

12 Days of Christmas Countdown...

Counting today, Christmas is 12 days away. Before you begin to panic about all the things on your to-do list, hang in here with me for a moment as I share the plans for our 12-day Christmas Countdown right here on the blog! And by the way...all who participate in our countdown over the next twelve days will be eligible to win a special gift!

I realize that many of us absolutely dread the holidays. For some, it's a reminder of the emptiness we feel as yet another year goes by. For others, it's the dreary weather that exacerbates our already aching hearts. And for others still, it can be a time of facing the growing families around us, only to be reminded of the longing in one's own heart. Churches are filled with children's Christmas programs and little ones in their Sunday's best and the wonder of Christmas fills their beaming eyes. The bottom line is that Christmas, just like many other special days, can be tough. Given that, let's purpose to do something this year. Let's choose to celebrate. Yes, we have a choice! So let us choose, for the next twelve days, to unwrap the gifts left behind by each of our precious babies lives. These "gifts" can be tangible things (such as an ultrasound picture or a special memento or blankie) or non-tangible (such as a life/spiritual lesson).

You all know that the greatest gifts must be shared! So, just as I will share the "gifts" left behind by my babies, I look forward to unwrapping the gifts of your own children as you leave your comments in the blog. I truly believe that in sharing, we will all be blessed. So won't you join in? (Say yes! Say yes! Say yes!)

We are going to do this to the tune of the song you are all familiar with, just to make it fun and interesting. If you would like, feel free to write some additional thoughts about your "gift" after you've shared it with us. I will joyfully kick things off...

On the first day of Christmas, my baby left for me...

A super snuggly striped blankie!

This particular blankie that I speak of has caught many a tears and has warmed my body and my heart on the coldest days of my grief. With admitted reluctance, I began to let my two-and-a-half-year-old daughter sleep with her big sister's blankie this past year and couldn't be more pleased with the decision. It is a sweet and treasured blessing to hear her say with excitement, "my Chloe" when she snuggles up to this special blankie!

***

Your turn, ladies! Share your "gifts" in the comments...

Thankful for the Thorns...

At the request of the ladies who attended our recent "Hope" Meeting in Polk City, I am posting the following story that was shared, titled Be Thankful for the Thorns, author unknown. I shared this at the meeting to challenge women to think of what they can be thankful for this Thanksgiving...even in the midst of grief. Even in light of their loss. Even in the aftermath of something so very difficult. Some of the ladies plan to share this with their families as a way of acknowledging their babies this Thanksgiving.

"Give thanks to the Lord for He is good, His love endures forever."

1 Chronicles 16:34

BE THANKFUL FOR THE THORNS

Sandra felt as low as the heels of her Birkenstocks as she pushed against a November gust and the florist shop door. Her life had been easy, like spring breeze.

Then in the fourth month of her second pregnancy, a minor automobile accident stole her ease. During this Thanksgiving week she would have delivered a son.

She grieved over her loss. As if that weren't enough, her husband's company threatened a transfer. Then her sister, whose holiday visit she coveted, called saying she could not come. What's worse, Sandra's friend infuriated her by suggesting her grief was a God-given path to maturity that would allow her to empathize with others who suffer. "She has no idea what I'm feeling," thought Sandra. "Thanksgiving? Thankful for what?" she wondered. For a careless driver whose truck was hardly scratched when he rear-ended her? For an airbag that saved her life but took the life of her unborn child?

"Good afternoon, can I help you?" The shop clerk's approach startled her. "I ... I need an arrangement," stammered Sandra. "For Thanksgiving? Do you want beautiful but ordinary, or would you like to challenge the day with a customer favorite I call the 'Thanksgiving Special'?" asked the shop clerk. "I'm convinced that flowers tell stories," she continued. "Are you looking for something that conveys 'gratitude' this Thanksgiving?"

"Not exactly!" Sandra blurted out. "In the last five months, everything that could go wrong has gone wrong."

Sandra regretted her outburst, and was surprised when the shop clerk said, "I have the perfect arrangement for you."

Then the door's small bell rang, and the shop clerk said, "Hi, Barbara ... let me get your order." She politely excused herself and walked toward a small workroom, then quickly reappeared, carrying an arrangement of greenery, bows, and long-stemmed thorny roses. Except the ends of the rose stems were neatly snipped. There were no flowers!

"Want this in a box?" asked the clerk. Sandra watched for the customer's response. Was this a joke? Who would want rose stems with no flowers! She waited for laughter, but neither woman laughed. "Yes, please," Barbara replied with an appreciative smile. "You'd think after three years of getting the special, I wouldn't be so moved by its significance, but I can feel it right here, all over again," she said as she gently tapped her chest.

"Uh," stammered Sandra, "that lady just left with, uh ... she just left with no flowers!"

"Right, said the clerk, "I cut off the flowers. That's the Special. I call it the Thanksgiving Thorns Bouquet."

"Oh, come on, you can't tell me someone is willing to pay for that!" exclaimed Sandra.

"Barbara came into the shop three years ago feeling much like you feel today," explained the clerk. "She thought she had very little to be thankful for. She had lost her father to cancer, the family business was failing, her son was into drugs, and she was facing major surgery."

"That same year I had lost my husband," continued the clerk," and for the first time in my life, had just spent the holidays alone. I had no children, no husband, no family nearby, and too great a debt to allow any travel."

"So what did you do?" asked Sandra.

"I learned to be thankful for thorns," answered the clerk quietly.

"I've always thanked God for good things in life and never to ask Him why those good things happened to me, but when bad stuff hit, did I ever ask! It took time for me to learn that dark times are important. I have always enjoyed the 'flowers' of life, but it took thorns to show me the beauty of God's comfort. You know, the Bible says that God comforts us when we're afflicted, and from His consolation we learn to comfort others."

Sandra sucked in her breath as she thought about the very thing her friend had tried to tell her. "I guess the truth is I don't want comfort. I've lost a baby and I'm angry with God."

Just then someone else walked in the shop. "Hey, Phil!" shouted the clerk to the balding, rotund man. "My wife sent me in to get our usual Thanksgiving arrangement ... twelve thorny, long-stemmed stems!" laughed Phil as the clerk handed him a tissue-wrapped arrangement from the refrigerator.

"Those are for your wife?" asked Sandra incredulously. "Do you mind me asking why she wants something that looks like that?"

No ... I'm glad you asked," Phil replied. "Four years ago my wife and I nearly divorced. After forty years, we were in a real mess, but with the Lord's grace and guidance, we slogged through problem after problem. He rescued our marriage. Jenny here (the clerk) told me she kept a vase of rose stems to remind her of what she learned from 'thorny' times, and that was good enough for me. I took home some of those stems. My wife and I decided to label each one for a specific 'problem' and give thanks for what that problem taught us."

As Phil paid the clerk, he said to Sandra, "I highly recommend the Special!"

"I don't know if I can be thankful for the thorns in my life." Sandra said to the clerk. "It's all too ... fresh."

"Well," the clerk replied carefully, "my experience has shown me that thorns make roses more precious. We treasure God's providential care more during trouble than at any other time. Remember, it was a crown of thorns that Jesus wore so we might know His love. Don't resent the thorns."

Tears rolled down Sandra's cheeks. For the first time since the accident, she loosened her grip on resentment. "I'll take those twelve long-stemmed thorns, please," she managed to choke out.

"I hoped you would," said the clerk gently. "I'll have them ready in a minute."

"Thank you. What do I owe you?"

"Nothing. Nothing but a promise to allow God to heal your heart. The first year's arrangement is always on me."

The clerk smiled and handed a card to Sandra. "I'll attach this card to your arrangement, but maybe you would like to read it first." It read:

"My God, I have never thanked You for my thorns.
I have thanked You a thousand times for my roses, but never once for my thorns.
Teach me the glory of the cross I bear;
Teach me the value of my thorns.
Show me that I have climbed closer to You along the path of pain;
Show me that, through my tears, the colors of Your rainbow look much more brilliant."

***

What do you have to be thankful for this year? I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments below. I will be the first to share...

Gifts from Riyah Mae...

One year ago, to date, Riyah Mae went to be with Jesus. I vowed then, as I do now, that God would still be my God. You can read about that here.

This past year has raced past. I finished school (finally), we have our house on the market, and I am excited about new adventures on the horizon. The Lord has blessed Mommies with Hope in ways I couldn't have imagined, and through that, I have had the amazing privilege of meeting and ministering to some very special women. As a part of my walk, I constantly seek to find the "gifts" left behind by my babies. This can be difficult in a time of grief, but difficult does not equal impossible. So today, as a tribute to Riyah, I want to share just a few "gifts" that I have discovered along the way. I trust there will be many more to come.

She brought us joy!

In the weeks and months that we new and expected her arrival, we were so joyful. The thought of another little one was a blessing from heaven. Gabe understood and was excited. Aiyana was oblivious. Still, we loved her from the moment we knew of her tiny life growing inside of me and we were thrilled! We certainly rejoice for her heavenly dwelling!

She grew us!

When the ultrasound revealed that she had already gone to be with Jesus, it didn't seem possible that we could endure another loss. It didn't make sense as to why she was gone. Rather than a search for answers and explanations, we were at peace with her passing. She grew us. We rested in our Savior, not the circumstances. Yes, it hurt...very deeply. Still, we trusted God would use her brief life for something wonderfully glorious, and this my friends, is truly a gift.

She makes heaven look sweeter!

Any of us who have a baby in heaven certainly has a longing for heaven to some degree. I can't venture to say that I know what heaven will be like, but I do know two things for sure: 1) Jesus has welcomed each of my babies into His dwelling place upon their earthly departures, and 2) One day, Jesus will call me home and I will go to them. Knowing they are there, gives me a greater longing for heaven. First and foremost, I will see my Savior face-to-face and drop to my knees in worship. Yet, I can't help but picture him holding my babies in His arms with Riyah Mae being the youngest of them all.

Today, we remember. I don't know whether we will do anything out of the ordinary, or whether we'll plan something special. I vow to take the day as it comes, yet all the while making the same commitment I did in that sterile exam room one year ago when I said, "God, whatever happens...I will still love you. You are still my God." He is the same today as He was yesterday and will be tomorrow...a Truth upon which I can rely!

Treasures...(Bible Study Video Post)

If you visited yesterday for our weekly "In the Word Wednesday" post, then you know the topic at hand for Chapter 4 of the book we're working through (And Then You Were Gone) is about viewing our losses as punishment. Once again, Becky (the author) brings in the Truth of God's Word and shares some awesome insights about the character of who God is, His overwhelming love for us, and how He certainly can work in and through our experience in many ways. Click here to read that post.

I've provided a video below with some thoughts from my perspective as well, with a challenge to seek out the "treasures" that your child has left behind. Would love to hear from you on this one! Be blessed, ladies!