Be Thankful for the Thorns...

In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I am posting "Be Thankful for the Thorns" (anonymous author), as I did last year.  It is my prayer that this story would bring you comfort in the midst of the pain of your loss.  Ladies, you are in my prayers...

"Give thanks to the Lord for He is good, His love endures forever."

1 Chronicles 16:34

BE THANKFUL FOR THE THORNS

Sandra felt as low as the heels of her Birkenstocks as she pushed against a November gust and the florist shop door. Her life had been easy, like spring breeze.Then in the fourth month of her second pregnancy, a minor automobile accident stole her ease. During this Thanksgiving week she would have delivered a son.
She grieved over her loss. As if that weren't enough, her husband's company threatened a transfer. Then her sister, whose holiday visit she coveted, called saying she could not come. What's worse, Sandra's friend infuriated her by suggesting her grief was a God-given path to maturity that would allow her to empathize with others who suffer. "She has no idea what I'm feeling," thought Sandra. "Thanksgiving? Thankful for what?" she wondered. For a careless driver whose truck was hardly scratched when he rear-ended her? For an airbag that saved her life but took the life of her unborn child?
"Good afternoon, can I help you?" The shop clerk's approach startled her. "I ... I need an arrangement," stammered Sandra. "For Thanksgiving? Do you want beautiful but ordinary, or would you like to challenge the day with a customer favorite I call the 'Thanksgiving Special'?" asked the shop clerk. "I'm convinced that flowers tell stories," she continued. "Are you looking for something that conveys 'gratitude' this Thanksgiving?"
"Not exactly!" Sandra blurted out. "In the last five months, everything that could go wrong has gone wrong."
Sandra regretted her outburst, and was surprised when the shop clerk said, "I have the perfect arrangement for you."
Then the door's small bell rang, and the shop clerk said, "Hi, Barbara ... let me get your order." She politely excused herself and walked toward a small workroom, then quickly reappeared, carrying an arrangement of greenery, bows, and long-stemmed thorny roses. Except the ends of the rose stems were neatly snipped. There were no flowers!
"Want this in a box?" asked the clerk. Sandra watched for the customer's response. Was this a joke? Who would want rose stems with no flowers! She waited for laughter, but neither woman laughed. "Yes, please," Barbara replied with an appreciative smile. "You'd think after three years of getting the special, I wouldn't be so moved by its significance, but I can feel it right here, all over again," she said as she gently tapped her chest.
"Uh," stammered Sandra, "that lady just left with, uh ... she just left with no flowers!"
"Right, said the clerk, "I cut off the flowers. That's the Special. I call it the Thanksgiving Thorns Bouquet."
"Oh, come on, you can't tell me someone is willing to pay for that!" exclaimed Sandra.
"Barbara came into the shop three years ago feeling much like you feel today," explained the clerk. "She thought she had very little to be thankful for. She had lost her father to cancer, the family business was failing, her son was into drugs, and she was facing major surgery."
"That same year I had lost my husband," continued the clerk," and for the first time in my life, had just spent the holidays alone. I had no children, no husband, no family nearby, and too great a debt to allow any travel."
"So what did you do?" asked Sandra.
"I learned to be thankful for thorns," answered the clerk quietly.
"I've always thanked God for good things in life and never to ask Him why those good things happened to me, but when bad stuff hit, did I ever ask! It took time for me to learn that dark times are important. I have always enjoyed the 'flowers' of life, but it took thorns to show me the beauty of God's comfort. You know, the Bible says that God comforts us when we're afflicted, and from His consolation we learn to comfort others."
Sandra sucked in her breath as she thought about the very thing her friend had tried to tell her. "I guess the truth is I don't want comfort. I've lost a baby and I'm angry with God."
Just then someone else walked in the shop. "Hey, Phil!" shouted the clerk to the balding, rotund man. "My wife sent me in to get our usual Thanksgiving arrangement ... twelve thorny, long-stemmed stems!" laughed Phil as the clerk handed him a tissue-wrapped arrangement from the refrigerator.

"Those are for your wife?" asked Sandra incredulously. "Do you mind me asking why she wants something that looks like that?"No ... I'm glad you asked," Phil replied. "Four years ago my wife and I nearly divorced. After forty years, we were in a real mess, but with the Lord's grace and guidance, we slogged through problem after problem. He rescued our marriage. Jenny here (the clerk) told me she kept a vase of rose stems to remind her of what she learned from 'thorny' times, and that was good enough for me. I took home some of those stems. My wife and I decided to label each one for a specific 'problem' and give thanks for what that problem taught us."

As Phil paid the clerk, he said to Sandra, "I highly recommend the Special!""I don't know if I can be thankful for the thorns in my life." Sandra said to the clerk. "It's all too ... fresh."
"Well," the clerk replied carefully, "my experience has shown me that thorns make roses more precious. We treasure God's providential care more during trouble than at any other time. Remember, it was a crown of thorns that Jesus wore so we might know His love. Don't resent the thorns."

Tears rolled down Sandra's cheeks. For the first time since the accident, she loosened her grip on resentment. "I'll take those twelve long-stemmed thorns, please," she managed to choke out."I hoped you would," said the clerk gently. "I'll have them ready in a minute."
"Thank you. What do I owe you?"
"Nothing. Nothing but a promise to allow God to heal your heart. The first year's arrangement is always on me."
The clerk smiled and handed a card to Sandra. "I'll attach this card to your arrangement, but maybe you would like to read it first." It read:
"My God, I have never thanked You for my thorns.
I have thanked You a thousand times for my roses, but never once for my thorns.
Teach me the glory of the cross I bear;
Teach me the value of my thorns.
Show me that I have climbed closer to You along the path of pain;
Show me that, through my tears, the colors of Your rainbow look much more brilliant."

***

What do you have to be thankful for this year? I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments below.  

Tonight, I Remember...

Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.  It is after 9:00 p.m. and I just lit a candle in memory of my three precious babies in heaven; Chloe, Jesse, and Riyah Mae.  I sit here sipping on a warm cup of coffee as the scent of baked french toast [the candle] permeates the room.  Quiet.  Still.  Silent.  Peace.

I reflect upon the events of the weekend I spent with some special women in my neighbor state; women who had to say goodbye too soon.  Women, young and old, who came together for one specific purpose on this sunny fall morning.  To remember.  And what a gift to share in that with each of them.  

Back home, in the quietness of my home, in the stillness of the night, and in the silence of my thoughts, I remember.  Words are few, to be honest.  They are hard to come by when there are no words to truly express all that I wish to convey.  I could share the hurt and the pain surrounding the losses I've endured over these past 5 1/2 years, but I won't.  Because tonight, I remember...and it is good.  It is good because He is good.  My God who never changes, who holds my heart in His hands, and who has given me a ministry out of my mess.  

Jesus, hug my babies tight tonight.  

***

If you did something special to honor your baby(ies) for National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, please feel free to share in the comments.  I'd love to hear about it!

Birthday Party in Heaven...

I see it so clearly; an innocent laugh, flowing brown locks and eyes as deep dark as the sea, her round face lit up by the light of the candles as angels sing nearby. Many people are there, young and old alike. Her baby siblings are with her too, held by Grandma, as they watch their big sister smile and blow out the candles. It's her special day; a celebration of the day Chloe was born and went to be with Jesus. He is with her. She seems so happy. Today, there was a birthday party in heaven.

I can't assert to know exactly what heaven is like or claim to know how people look or whether or not they celebrate birthdays. However, it brings me comfort to think about what it might be like. I think back to the time of Chloe's birth. That was the best day and the worst day all at once. It seems like yesterday that I felt her tiny fingers clench around my thumb. She opened her tiny mouth and took the tiniest little breaths as I nuzzled close to her and kissed her cheeks. I remember the warmth of her body's skin against my own. She was fragile, but so strong. Strong enough to be born. Strong enough to hang on for 45 minutes, all the while being cuddled and hugged and kissed and loved. She fit perfectly across my chest and her head rested against my cheek as Justin lay by my side embracing us both. I remember it all so vividly and I would not trade a moment of that time for the world.

The breathing became sporadic. Movement began to cease. I knew she was fading fast and nothing could be done. All I wanted was more time. When our nurse checked her heartbeat upon my request, she despairingly gazed at me and said, "She's gone." I knew it was coming, my mind was prepared for those words, but my heart ached with a piercing blow as they spewed forth from her mouth. It was real. She was really gone. This fact was solidified when just moments later the nurse announced, "Time of death: 3:55 p.m." Still I knew that though she was absent from her physical body, a precious vessel, the special part of Chloe was with her Jesus. In that, I found great comfort. Yet, the pain was real and remains a reality to this day...five years later.

As I think about the significance of the day, I am flooded with emotion. I look back and could never have imagined the impact she'd have. I could never have known how much she'd teach me. It would have been preposterous to think that her tiny little life would have made such a big impact. Our God is a big God. He does things we don't expect. He takes something terribly ugly, like the death of a baby, and turns it into a thing of beauty.

God did some amazing things in my life during that time. He continues to amaze me over and over again! I could go on and on about the many ways in which His handiwork unfolded, but today, I want to leave you with one precious story that I cherish...

Just months before we received the news of Chloe's diagnosis and impending death, God formed a very special friendship between me and an unlikely friend. Jen, over a decade older than me (yup, I said it!), and I were placed together in an office during our graduate studies at Iowa State. During that time we spent together in the office, God used her in a miraculous way to minister to my hopeless soul. Grief-stricken and desperate for comfort, He placed her in my path for a purpose. I didn't know at the time that it would be to point me back to my first love, Jesus, from whom I had strayed. I couldn't have predicted it would be to invite me to a church where I would hear and respond to the Truth of the Gospel. I would never have guessed that just a few short months later she would stand in a school hallway hand in hand with me and my husband, Justin, as he surrendered his life to Christ as tears streamed down each of our faces. It was unfathomable to think that she would pick up the pieces when I went through two subsequent miscarriages. There with me to pray and cry and stay up all night talking, on her birthday no less, when I miscarried Jesse at 6 weeks along. Then just a few months later to clear her schedule, cancel her classes and take my kids for a few days when Riyah Mae went to be with Jesus. She herself has a baby in heaven, gone too soon, yet loved and remembered. Friend. Mentor. Fellow Mommy. Sister in Christ. This is what she is to me...such a blessing.

Now, today and forevermore May 11 is a cherished day to us both. Today, May 11, 2011 her dad ~ the man who pointed her to Christ ~ went home to be with Jesus. This calls to mind a treasured memory I have of Chuck, a man of God with a boldness for Christ. Shortly after I met him, within a few months of when Chloe died, he shared these verses with me to provide comfort...

"The righteous man perishes, and no one takes it to heart; devout men are taken away, and no one understands that the righteous are taken away to be spared from evil. Those who walk uprightly enter into peace; they find rest as they lie in death."

Isaiah 57:1-2

What an amazing thing to be able to share this story and these verses with Jen as she stood by her dad's side last night after a fight with cancer, waiting for him to depart and be with His Savior. Today, I received word from Jen of his earthly death, followed up by a praise that He was with Jesus and with Chloe on her special day. I think about this heavenly birthday party... and amidst the glow of the candles, surrounded by children and angels and our blessed Savior, there's Chuck ~ heaven's newest resident, holding a grandbaby in his arms, telling Chloe about the legacy she has left on earth. All the while, his legacy continues on earth, in life and in death, all for the glory of God.

Bittersweet Days...

For those of us who have endured the loss of a baby, Mother's Day may be anything but happy. Bittersweet seems to be a better descriptor in light of my experience. Regardless of how we may describe it or individually experience it, I think we would all agree that Mother's Day truly is a special day.

I would like to tell you that I had it all together this Mother's Day weekend. I wish I could say that my days were filled with joy and remembrance as I honored my three babies in heaven and cherished my two on earth. I long to share a hope and encouragement to each of you who are grieving this Mother's Day.

Can I honestly tell you that I had it all together? Not even close.

Can I say that my weekend was joy-filled with remembrance? Remembrance - yes! Joy-filled, not so much.

Did I act as though I truly cherished my two living children on earth? Confession - I did not.

Can I share a hope and encouragement with each of you this Mother's Day? Yes, I can! Not on my own strength, but on the strength of God alone in whom I find comfort and peace.

I reflect back on the weekend with mixed feelings. I did all the things I thought I should do. We purchased flowers for our memory garden, an annual tradition always to take place Mother's Day weekend. I spent the day planting flowers, filling my pots, and pulling weeds. The landscaping was finally beginning to take shape and the house exuded some much-needed curb appeal. I worked hard, I kept busy, and the job was complete. I had done my thing. In and of itself, this was a good thing. Unfortunately, the Mother's Day tradition that I had come to love as a way of honoring and remembering my three babies in heaven, had failed to incorporate one very important thing; a tending to my attitude.

I was merely going through the motions. I didn't stop to pray and thank God for His blessings. I failed to show gratefulness for my two living children. I treated my husband with a sense of entitlement, failing to acknowledge his grief. I was irritable and mean, robbed of the joy I claim in Christ. I was throwing myself a pity party, yet putting on a strong facade, going about my garden work. The work needed not be done in my garden, but in the very soil of my own heart. Instead of planting flowers and filling pots, I needed to be planting seeds of gratitude to my family and filling my heart with God's Word. Rather than weeding out my lawn, I needed to weed out the bitterness that had taken root.

As I contemplate over the events of the weekend, I am reminded of Psalm 118:24, which says:

"This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it."

Really? Today? A day that celebrates Motherhood, when I have three babies in heaven? God so gently whispers to my soul, "Yes, today." Others of you may pose a similar line of questioning, wondering if you should be celebrating when you have no living children or possess a longing for a child that is yet to be conceived. Again, the answer is, "Yes, today." I would even go so far as to say, today and tomorrow and the next day. Each and every day. It is hard and bittersweet and that's okay. Let us not, however, let the difficulty of the situation give root to bitterness in our hearts. Instead, may our hearts be filled with thanksgiving for all that God has done for us, chief of all is the fact that He willingly sent HIS OWN SON to die for each of us. What a humbling thought to ponder in light of my own loss; that Jesus would die on the cross for a sinner like me. Thank You, Lord. Help me to always remember and always be thankful for Your sacrifice, even on the bittersweet, difficult days like today.

Another Year...

If you've known me for a while, then you probably know that I've often remarked about how New Year's tends to be a difficult time of the year for me, personally. In fact, I recall the first year of holidays after Chloe's birth and death and was shocked by the impact of New Year's. After all, it's a time for new beginnings and resolutions. For a grieving mommy, however, it can be a reminder that time and people are moving on, yet she continues to long for her baby.

This year marks the fifth New Year since Chloe's birth and death. The first two years were the most difficult, with the second year being the worst. Last year wasn't the greatest either, in light of my miscarriages of Jesse and Riyah in 2009. Yet, with each passing year, I am able to sense God's peace and purpose through each of my babies' lives. Several months ago, a dear and precious friend gently reminded me that on earth, it would literally be impossible to have all of my children since some of the pregnancies overlapped. However, I can rest in the knowledge that God, who is rich in mercy, has welcomed each one of my babies into His Kingdom already! Because my husband and I know Christ as our Savior, we have full assurance in reuniting with each of them when He calls us home. Lord willing, our two living children will come to know Jesus at the earliest possible age, and they too will be with us all for eternity! What a family reunion that will be!

Especially in difficult times, I believe it is important to have an eternal perspective. That being said, it can be tough when the grief is so raw and the pain is so real. So if you're like me, you may just be wondering HOW to face the day. With the New Year upon us, I want to focus the next few posts on truths from God's Word as well as ways in which we can practically live out such truths. So, today, and throughout the next week, each post will present a biblical truth and a corresponding practical tactic for living it out. The purpose is to comfort and equip us with God's Word, while also challenging us to do something with meaning as we usher in the New Year.

Without further ado, let's begin...

Biblical Truth

"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail; they are new each morning. Great is your faithfulness."

Lamentations 3:23-23

I love these verses! At times, grief may seem to be all-consuming. God's love is greater. Because of such great love, we are not consumed! He has compassion for each one of us, whom He loves. Other translations use the word "mercies" in place of compassions...each of which are new each morning. Every day when we wake up, the Lord is near. He loves us. He never fails us. He is faithful. He wants to bless us each and every day with His mercies. Though we know this to be true from Scripture, it can be hard to feel this way. That's why it's important to rely on what is true, rather than our feelings. The next verse in this passage goes on to say, "The Lord is my portion." Here are some questions to ponder in light of this verse...Is He your portion each and every day? Do you rise each morning with the knowledge of God's love and compassion for you? Is He enough? The biblical truth shared above may seem to be "good for the moment" but how can I live like I know it to be true? How can I live victoriously, proclaiming "The Lord is my portion?" What does that even look like?

Practical Tactic

There are many ways that the questions posed above can be answered. In fact, the answer may be different for each one of us. I'm not here to offer a one-size-fits-all approach to living out God's truths in difficult times. I will, however, offer some practical tactics that everyone is able to try. I would love to hear additional ideas from you, my fellow mommies! Here are just a few of my thoughts...

1) Purpose to wake up 15 minutes earlier than usual each day. Begin your day in prayer, pouring your heart out to God. Remember, He has compassion for you!

2) Saturate yourself in God's Word. When we feel consumed by our grief, His Word is our ammunition and gives us the ability to "take captive every thought, making it obedient to Christ" (2 Corinthians 10:5). We can combat irrational thinking with God's Truth!

3) List the ways in which God has shown His love to you. Read over and reflect on this list and thank God in prayer.

4) Thank God for the blessings in your life. Purpose to find something to be thankful for. Ask God to be your portion for the day...the hour...the moment. He is faithful!

***

I'd love to hear your thoughts...feel free to post in the comments!

12 Days...Many Gifts

I pray you each had a wonderful, hope-filled Christmas! I enjoyed a day with family. Today, I was happy to just relax. This Christmas Countdown has admittedly been quite a challenge!

In awe at the wonder of the season, I sing...

On the twelfth day of Christmas my babies left for me...

Twelve precious cousins

Eleven, Ten, Nine = Three days closer to eternity

Eight comforting song lyrics

Seven stockings hanging

Six words from Scripture

Fiiiiive precious children

Four changed lives

Three burning candles

Two tiny foot prints

And a super snuggly, striped blankie!

Twelve precious cousins...

When I was pregnant with Chloe, I remember being so excited by the fact that she would have two cousins about her same age. Turns out, both of those babies were little girls too and I now have two precious 5-year-old nieces. The family has continued to grow since then, and to date, Chloe has twelve cousins ranging in age from newborn to almost 16! One of her cousins is already in heaven with her and that is such a precious thought to me. Matthew went to be with Jesus just over a year before Chloe did. While we don't get together as an extended family as often as we'd like, it is always hard to see my young nieces playing together when we do. It always hits me that Chloe is missing. She should be with them, but instead, she's gone. She's gone. As quickly as I let those two words flow from my fingertips, I must stand corrected. She's not gone. She's with her baby siblings and her cousin. She's with Jesus. She's home.

***

Thanks to each one of you who have shared your "gifts!" I have truly been blessed by reading each and every one of your comments. Continue to share and be entered into the drawing for a special gift. The gift and the winner will be announced on Tuesday, so stay tuned!

Fiiiive Precious Children!

I have to admit...I struggled with thinking of something clever for the fifth day of this countdown (click here to go back to the beginning). As the day has gone by, I now sit down to write this post, reluctantly, and I'm not sure why. Maybe I'm just trying to avoid the topic today, or maybe it's because I'm feeling a bit under the weather. I honestly don't know. What I do know is that the number 5 represents the total number of children I have been blessed with, and for that, I am so very thankful and feel led to share more about that today.

With a thankful heart, I sing...

On the fifth day of Christmas, my babies gave to me...

Fiiiiiive precious children

Four changed lives

Three burning candles

Two tiny foot prints

And a super snuggly, striped blankie!

Five Precious Children...

We've all gotten the questions, "Do you have children?" or "How many children do you have?" To all of us, these innocent questions can sting at times. I imagine these questions may be especially painful for those who do not have any living children as of yet. By all outward appearances, we are a typical family of four, comprised of my husband and I and our two living children, a boy and a girl, ages 8 and 2 [nevermind the age gap]. What people fail to see is that we truly have been blessed with five, yes five, precious children. Three of them, however, are already home in heaven.

The reason I chose, after much debate, to share this as my day 5 "gift" for the countdown is because I felt the need to truly acknowledge my children, all of them. So often, we go about our lives as though they never existed, putting on a facade to the world, conforming to their expectations of us to "move on" or "try again," minimizing the significance of these little ones' lives. Today, I choose to share. I choose to proudly proclaim that I am a mother to five precious children; Gabriel, Chloe, Aiyana, Jesse, and Riyah and I love each one of them.

"For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well."

Psalm 139:13-14

***

What's your Day 5 "Gift?"

Remember, all commenters are entered into a drawing

for a special gift at the end off the countdown!

12 Days of Christmas Countdown...

Counting today, Christmas is 12 days away. Before you begin to panic about all the things on your to-do list, hang in here with me for a moment as I share the plans for our 12-day Christmas Countdown right here on the blog! And by the way...all who participate in our countdown over the next twelve days will be eligible to win a special gift!

I realize that many of us absolutely dread the holidays. For some, it's a reminder of the emptiness we feel as yet another year goes by. For others, it's the dreary weather that exacerbates our already aching hearts. And for others still, it can be a time of facing the growing families around us, only to be reminded of the longing in one's own heart. Churches are filled with children's Christmas programs and little ones in their Sunday's best and the wonder of Christmas fills their beaming eyes. The bottom line is that Christmas, just like many other special days, can be tough. Given that, let's purpose to do something this year. Let's choose to celebrate. Yes, we have a choice! So let us choose, for the next twelve days, to unwrap the gifts left behind by each of our precious babies lives. These "gifts" can be tangible things (such as an ultrasound picture or a special memento or blankie) or non-tangible (such as a life/spiritual lesson).

You all know that the greatest gifts must be shared! So, just as I will share the "gifts" left behind by my babies, I look forward to unwrapping the gifts of your own children as you leave your comments in the blog. I truly believe that in sharing, we will all be blessed. So won't you join in? (Say yes! Say yes! Say yes!)

We are going to do this to the tune of the song you are all familiar with, just to make it fun and interesting. If you would like, feel free to write some additional thoughts about your "gift" after you've shared it with us. I will joyfully kick things off...

On the first day of Christmas, my baby left for me...

A super snuggly striped blankie!

This particular blankie that I speak of has caught many a tears and has warmed my body and my heart on the coldest days of my grief. With admitted reluctance, I began to let my two-and-a-half-year-old daughter sleep with her big sister's blankie this past year and couldn't be more pleased with the decision. It is a sweet and treasured blessing to hear her say with excitement, "my Chloe" when she snuggles up to this special blankie!

***

Your turn, ladies! Share your "gifts" in the comments...

Thankful for the Thorns...

At the request of the ladies who attended our recent "Hope" Meeting in Polk City, I am posting the following story that was shared, titled Be Thankful for the Thorns, author unknown. I shared this at the meeting to challenge women to think of what they can be thankful for this Thanksgiving...even in the midst of grief. Even in light of their loss. Even in the aftermath of something so very difficult. Some of the ladies plan to share this with their families as a way of acknowledging their babies this Thanksgiving.

"Give thanks to the Lord for He is good, His love endures forever."

1 Chronicles 16:34

BE THANKFUL FOR THE THORNS

Sandra felt as low as the heels of her Birkenstocks as she pushed against a November gust and the florist shop door. Her life had been easy, like spring breeze.

Then in the fourth month of her second pregnancy, a minor automobile accident stole her ease. During this Thanksgiving week she would have delivered a son.

She grieved over her loss. As if that weren't enough, her husband's company threatened a transfer. Then her sister, whose holiday visit she coveted, called saying she could not come. What's worse, Sandra's friend infuriated her by suggesting her grief was a God-given path to maturity that would allow her to empathize with others who suffer. "She has no idea what I'm feeling," thought Sandra. "Thanksgiving? Thankful for what?" she wondered. For a careless driver whose truck was hardly scratched when he rear-ended her? For an airbag that saved her life but took the life of her unborn child?

"Good afternoon, can I help you?" The shop clerk's approach startled her. "I ... I need an arrangement," stammered Sandra. "For Thanksgiving? Do you want beautiful but ordinary, or would you like to challenge the day with a customer favorite I call the 'Thanksgiving Special'?" asked the shop clerk. "I'm convinced that flowers tell stories," she continued. "Are you looking for something that conveys 'gratitude' this Thanksgiving?"

"Not exactly!" Sandra blurted out. "In the last five months, everything that could go wrong has gone wrong."

Sandra regretted her outburst, and was surprised when the shop clerk said, "I have the perfect arrangement for you."

Then the door's small bell rang, and the shop clerk said, "Hi, Barbara ... let me get your order." She politely excused herself and walked toward a small workroom, then quickly reappeared, carrying an arrangement of greenery, bows, and long-stemmed thorny roses. Except the ends of the rose stems were neatly snipped. There were no flowers!

"Want this in a box?" asked the clerk. Sandra watched for the customer's response. Was this a joke? Who would want rose stems with no flowers! She waited for laughter, but neither woman laughed. "Yes, please," Barbara replied with an appreciative smile. "You'd think after three years of getting the special, I wouldn't be so moved by its significance, but I can feel it right here, all over again," she said as she gently tapped her chest.

"Uh," stammered Sandra, "that lady just left with, uh ... she just left with no flowers!"

"Right, said the clerk, "I cut off the flowers. That's the Special. I call it the Thanksgiving Thorns Bouquet."

"Oh, come on, you can't tell me someone is willing to pay for that!" exclaimed Sandra.

"Barbara came into the shop three years ago feeling much like you feel today," explained the clerk. "She thought she had very little to be thankful for. She had lost her father to cancer, the family business was failing, her son was into drugs, and she was facing major surgery."

"That same year I had lost my husband," continued the clerk," and for the first time in my life, had just spent the holidays alone. I had no children, no husband, no family nearby, and too great a debt to allow any travel."

"So what did you do?" asked Sandra.

"I learned to be thankful for thorns," answered the clerk quietly.

"I've always thanked God for good things in life and never to ask Him why those good things happened to me, but when bad stuff hit, did I ever ask! It took time for me to learn that dark times are important. I have always enjoyed the 'flowers' of life, but it took thorns to show me the beauty of God's comfort. You know, the Bible says that God comforts us when we're afflicted, and from His consolation we learn to comfort others."

Sandra sucked in her breath as she thought about the very thing her friend had tried to tell her. "I guess the truth is I don't want comfort. I've lost a baby and I'm angry with God."

Just then someone else walked in the shop. "Hey, Phil!" shouted the clerk to the balding, rotund man. "My wife sent me in to get our usual Thanksgiving arrangement ... twelve thorny, long-stemmed stems!" laughed Phil as the clerk handed him a tissue-wrapped arrangement from the refrigerator.

"Those are for your wife?" asked Sandra incredulously. "Do you mind me asking why she wants something that looks like that?"

No ... I'm glad you asked," Phil replied. "Four years ago my wife and I nearly divorced. After forty years, we were in a real mess, but with the Lord's grace and guidance, we slogged through problem after problem. He rescued our marriage. Jenny here (the clerk) told me she kept a vase of rose stems to remind her of what she learned from 'thorny' times, and that was good enough for me. I took home some of those stems. My wife and I decided to label each one for a specific 'problem' and give thanks for what that problem taught us."

As Phil paid the clerk, he said to Sandra, "I highly recommend the Special!"

"I don't know if I can be thankful for the thorns in my life." Sandra said to the clerk. "It's all too ... fresh."

"Well," the clerk replied carefully, "my experience has shown me that thorns make roses more precious. We treasure God's providential care more during trouble than at any other time. Remember, it was a crown of thorns that Jesus wore so we might know His love. Don't resent the thorns."

Tears rolled down Sandra's cheeks. For the first time since the accident, she loosened her grip on resentment. "I'll take those twelve long-stemmed thorns, please," she managed to choke out.

"I hoped you would," said the clerk gently. "I'll have them ready in a minute."

"Thank you. What do I owe you?"

"Nothing. Nothing but a promise to allow God to heal your heart. The first year's arrangement is always on me."

The clerk smiled and handed a card to Sandra. "I'll attach this card to your arrangement, but maybe you would like to read it first." It read:

"My God, I have never thanked You for my thorns.
I have thanked You a thousand times for my roses, but never once for my thorns.
Teach me the glory of the cross I bear;
Teach me the value of my thorns.
Show me that I have climbed closer to You along the path of pain;
Show me that, through my tears, the colors of Your rainbow look much more brilliant."

***

What do you have to be thankful for this year? I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments below. I will be the first to share...

We Remember...and it hurts

I had every intention of posting a special tribute to our children yesterday, October 15th, which was officially Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. In fact, I had a draft of said post started days in advance and was all geared up for a challenge for us each to do something in honor and remembrance of our own babies. Sometimes things don't go as planned, as is typically the case with grief. We experience sneaky grief moments, as written about recently, and sometimes we can only do what we can do. Such was the case yesterday.

I had it in my heart and mind to do something all week. I intended to recommend to you all to light a candle (the universal symbol of remembrance), release a balloon, have a gathering, or something of the like. By planning and purposing to do something on the special days we encounter, we are committed to following through. Yet, here I was, going about my day caught up in busyness of life, doing nothing. I should have certainly taken my own advice. All day long, my heart felt empty, yet my mind was going on to the next busy thing that needed to be done. The day drew on and still nothing purposeful or intentional to remember my babies. Still empty. I didn't even approach my Heavenly Father in prayer with my hurts, even though I know and will be the first to tell another mommy that He is so ready, willing, and eager to carry our burdens. Many times, my eyes welled up with tears, seemingly out of nowhere and I struggled to hold them back, feeling as if I didn't have the right to let them flow freely. I didn't know where all this was coming from and quite honestly, it took me by surprise.

The truth is...remembering can be tough. For many of us, pleasant memories of our babies who have died are cut short. We may have just a few short weeks or months of a joyful pregnancy to call to mind, and not much else. The thoughts of what might have been tend to overshadow the glimpse in time we had our babies with us. Others of us may have a few tangible mementos or keepsakes from our baby's birth and death, and these can serve as a meaningful reminder of our precious child. I have an entire shelf that houses the precious mementos, gifts, cards and the like that we have created and/or received over the years. Even Riyah's cremated remains are placed in this special shelf. As much comfort as it brings me to have these things and as thankful as I am to have them, there is nothing on this earth that can replace these babies or take away the pain of having had to say goodbye so soon. Nothing, that is, but Jesus.

It is good to remember. It is good to honor. It is good to cherish and to pay tribute. All of these things, especially on special days, are worthy of doing. I have gained comfort and peace in doing so over the years. Still, there is only One who brings complete joy and perfect peace and that's the Lord, Jesus. It's not until I realize, refocus, and realign my heart to see more of Him, that I can begin to feel true peace. So today, that's where I'm at. On my knees, at His feet...handing it all over to Him and finding comfort in the truth that He desires to love me just as I am. Broken.

"Come to me all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest."

Matthew 11:28