We Remember...and it hurts

I had every intention of posting a special tribute to our children yesterday, October 15th, which was officially Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. In fact, I had a draft of said post started days in advance and was all geared up for a challenge for us each to do something in honor and remembrance of our own babies. Sometimes things don't go as planned, as is typically the case with grief. We experience sneaky grief moments, as written about recently, and sometimes we can only do what we can do. Such was the case yesterday.

I had it in my heart and mind to do something all week. I intended to recommend to you all to light a candle (the universal symbol of remembrance), release a balloon, have a gathering, or something of the like. By planning and purposing to do something on the special days we encounter, we are committed to following through. Yet, here I was, going about my day caught up in busyness of life, doing nothing. I should have certainly taken my own advice. All day long, my heart felt empty, yet my mind was going on to the next busy thing that needed to be done. The day drew on and still nothing purposeful or intentional to remember my babies. Still empty. I didn't even approach my Heavenly Father in prayer with my hurts, even though I know and will be the first to tell another mommy that He is so ready, willing, and eager to carry our burdens. Many times, my eyes welled up with tears, seemingly out of nowhere and I struggled to hold them back, feeling as if I didn't have the right to let them flow freely. I didn't know where all this was coming from and quite honestly, it took me by surprise.

The truth is...remembering can be tough. For many of us, pleasant memories of our babies who have died are cut short. We may have just a few short weeks or months of a joyful pregnancy to call to mind, and not much else. The thoughts of what might have been tend to overshadow the glimpse in time we had our babies with us. Others of us may have a few tangible mementos or keepsakes from our baby's birth and death, and these can serve as a meaningful reminder of our precious child. I have an entire shelf that houses the precious mementos, gifts, cards and the like that we have created and/or received over the years. Even Riyah's cremated remains are placed in this special shelf. As much comfort as it brings me to have these things and as thankful as I am to have them, there is nothing on this earth that can replace these babies or take away the pain of having had to say goodbye so soon. Nothing, that is, but Jesus.

It is good to remember. It is good to honor. It is good to cherish and to pay tribute. All of these things, especially on special days, are worthy of doing. I have gained comfort and peace in doing so over the years. Still, there is only One who brings complete joy and perfect peace and that's the Lord, Jesus. It's not until I realize, refocus, and realign my heart to see more of Him, that I can begin to feel true peace. So today, that's where I'm at. On my knees, at His feet...handing it all over to Him and finding comfort in the truth that He desires to love me just as I am. Broken.

"Come to me all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest."

Matthew 11:28