In recent months, I've tried to stay on top of writing on the blog consistently. My apologies for a brief hiatus this past week. As each of you can most assuredly relate, life has been busy, busy, busy! Not to mention my continued computer issues (yep, you can still pray for me on that one!).
In thinking about how crazy busy things have been and through conversations with people along the way, I honestly do think that part of my busy lifestyle has a lot to do with my grief. In the year after Chloe died, especially, I got very involved in doing "stuff." All good stuff I might add, but stuff nonetheless. For me, it was a way of coping with the loss. I had so many things to do and so many commitments to uphold that I didn't have time to grieve. Perhaps you can relate?
I find myself continuing to do that from time to time, especially when special days or holidays approach. These are tough days for me and times when I sense the loss of my babies most deeply. However, if I stay busy, especially by doing something for someone else, then just maybe I won't have to feel the pain. This all sounds like some great method for coping with loss or like some magical formula, doesn't it? In all actuality, it only delays the inevitable. The feelings still come. It still hurts. I still miss my babies. This very thought puts me in mind of something we read in our recent bible study from Becky Avella's book when she says, "Grief can be delayed, but it cannot be denied." Isn't that what I've been doing? By filling my plate to overflowing with activities and commitments, I'm only delaying the emotions of an experience that already exists.
I want to change this. I want to purpose to face those special days knowing full-well that I may just have a meltdown and that's okay. I want to let myself experience the pain when it comes, knowing that it exists much because I loved much. Won't you join me? Let us lay our busy lives aside, and if even for a moment, rest. Rest in our circumstances. Rest in our experiences. Rest in our grief. Rest in the arms of our Savior, Jesus, who walks this road right alongside us.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
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1 comment:
Thank you for sharing this. This really helps me. I want to avoid the grief. I hate crying. But God must have something to teach me if He has allowed such a deep grief in my life.
Sometimes I feel guilty that I didn't think of lulu more or that I haven't looked at her pictures. And maybe the way I perceive her does not do her justice. But she was not born how a baby should be. She looked nothing like her dad or me, but just like most anencephaly babies. That is not how I want to remember her. I want to remember her from my dreams of her healed.
Since we brought her home from the funeral home, I have been struggling with the grief. But this morning, I let it consume me for a while. I just wish I never had to feel this hurt again. I wish the more I cried the more the hurt would go away.
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