You Are Still My God

48 hours ago, I could not have anticipated that I would be writing this post. Quite, honestly, the last two days have been a blur to me. But now, as I lay in my bed with sunlight peaking in, hearing nothing but clicking of the keys on my keyboard, I have a moment of clarity. A moment where I can finally "say" what's been going on, what God is bringing me through, and the fact that even in the midst of heartache, pain, and grief He is still my God.

On Thursday morning, I went to the doctor. Some of you know this, while others of you did not...we were expecting again. In fact, we had just started to spread the news in the last couple of weeks or so. After all we had reached that magic number - 12 weeks. I had already had blood work and two ultrasounds and things were progressing wonderfully. So going to the doctor on Thursday morning was just another part of my day. I got the kids off to school, Justin went to work, I talked to my mom on the phone on the way down, etc. I had a busy day ahead of me, needing to get back to Ames to give an exam to my class that afternoon and attend Gabe's conference later that night. Just another ordinary day. But God, in His perfect sovereignty and will had other plans in store for us that day. It calls to mind Proverbs 16:9, which says, "In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps."

In the office, my nurse was going to take a listen to the heartbeat. We both knew that sometimes it can be hard to find the heartbeat with those doplar wands and that if we couldn't find it, I would get in for a quick ultrasound to see the baby's heartbeat - even better! She couldn't find it on the doplar, but left the room unconcerned to see who could do the ultrasound to show the heartbeat. As I sat in that exam room alone, for truly just a minute or so, I took the time to talk to God. I remember distinctly saying to God, over and over, "Whatever happens, I will still love You. I will still love You. I will still love You." Next thing I know, I was in the ultrasound room with my nurse, Emily (the sonographer who I've come to know so well), and a student. I even joked with the student and proclaimed that "I am not anti-student." (Those of you who know me well understand what I mean!).

So I laid back, eager to see the images overhead. With just a few glimpses, Emily sorrowfully had to say, "Teske, I don't see a heartbeat." Then, the tears. The wailing. The confusion. I didn't understand. I don't understand. And quite honestly, I don't know if I will ever understand. But I remembered those words that I had prayed to God, just moments before, and I meant them with all my heart. "I will still love You, God." What's more, I will still serve You. I will still praise Your Name. I will still give my life to You. I will still glorify You. I will still trust in You. You are still my God.

There is so much more to say and so many words that are overflowing out of my heart, but I have decided to continue to post more of this story, as it unfolds, in pieces as the days go by. Please continue to check back often. It is my prayer that by sharing the words on my heart, you will be blessed, encouraged, and know that you are not alone. Post comments as you feel led and be a blessing to someone else.