Sifting through the Haze

For those of you who are just joining us, I am writing about my most recent miscarriage. Please read the post below, which will get you up to speed. This post, and more to follow, will detail this most recent loss. My purpose for sharing this experience, which is still so very fresh, is so that God may use these words to bless someone and bring them closer to His Son. Even in the midst of this trial, I have seen and felt His comforting embrace.

Yes, He is still my God! But leaving the doctor's office after hearing about this heartbreaking news, so many worldly thoughts raced across my mind...How am I going to tell Justin? What about Gabe? I am supposed to give an exam to 58 students this afternoon...how is that going to happen? I had just told my students the news of our baby on the way last week...what now? Where do I go? Should I call someone? I can't call mom (no offense, mom!) because it will just be too upsetting for the both of us.

I sat in the parking lot for a few minutes, wiped the tears from my eyes and set off toward Polk City. I go to church in Polk City and knew that I could find Pastor Dave or Deb (his wife) there, or maybe another close friend if they weren't around. I remember dialing Justin's work number two different times, but as I was prompted to enter in his extension, I hung up. I could not break this news to him by phone in the middle of his work day. I had to at least wait till he went to lunch. Next, my fingers dialed the number of my department chair at ISU. She has been my mentor, friend, and surrogate mother over the past 5 years. I knew I could count on her to help me with my exam that afternoon. After all, I had to make those arrangements for the students. We spoke for the 15-20 minute drive as I made my way to Polk City until I found myself parked outside of our church building's offices. After hanging up, I worked up the courage to vulnerably set foot inside, but no one was there. Ironically, Pastor Dave's wife, also our church secretary, was at the bookstore in Ankeny picking up 10 copies of the book, Safe in the Arms of God (an amazing resource), for a service project that was held today for Perinatal Hospice. Pastor Dave was not there either.

I went back out to the car and debated about what to do next. Should I call Nicole? Nicole is a godly woman who loves the Lord and who has a heart for women who have experienced loss. She has been through a very similar situation herself and I knew she would open her arms to me. Immediately she told me to come to her house, where her and her husband, Charlie (our soon to be Associate Pastor), were waiting. The moment she opened the door, I was embraced by the both of them, tears flowing coupled with uncontainable cries.

Shortly after arriving, Pastor Dave was there. Together, we prayed. We talked. We prayed for Justin as I would soon be making the call to him, as his lunch hour was fast approaching. We delved into Scripture. Pastor Dave shared with me some verses from Psalm 71. Here are just a couple of the verses from that Psalm that were and are of great comfort for me...

But as for me, I will always have hope;
I will praise you more and more.

Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter,
you will restore my life again;
from the depths of the earth
you will again bring me up.

You will increase my honor
and comfort me once again.

Psalm 71: 14, 20-21

The verses really resonated with me as I sat in the hurt and pain of the situation I was facing. I had a choice to make, yet again. I could dare to question God and His plan, which puts me in mind of Job in the following verses: "I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted. You asked, 'Who is this that obscures my counsel without knowledge?' Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know." (Job 42:2-3) Or I could rely on the promises of what I know to be true from Scripture. I could rest in my hope in Christ, knowing that my child is Safe in the Arms of God, right alongside his big sister, Chloe, and another sibling whom we will meet when we get there ourselves.

Yes, my hope is in eternity, made secure by the blood of Christ shed on the cross. Yet, my human nature is to ask God, "why?" I may not ever know the explanations, but I can be sure that He is using each one of these precious children's lives in a mighty way. It is my prayer that their legacy be one that touches many lives for His Kingdom.

A dear friend reminded me of this verse on the night that we found out about our most recent loss...

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."
Romans 8:28

He is still my God. I still love Him. He is still good. And I have been called.