Behind Closed Doors

While I had fully intended to keep writing about the sequence of events that have occurred since that dreadful routine prenatal visit last week, my heart has prompted me to share something else. I had planned to write about the outpouring of love we have received over this past week and how amazing it has been to see the Body of Christ in action. I will most certainly write about that in the days to come, as the blessings have been tremendous and Jesus' love has shown in and through so many of our dearest brothers and sisters in Christ. But today, I share about something not nearly as beautiful. Today, I share about the deplorable ugliness of this sad situation we find ourselves in...

I confess, while I am an open book about almost anything, I often shield my emotions from people. I can readily, often eagerly, talk about my loss experiences and am always willing to share. I have spoken to numerous classes, groups, individuals, etc. about my losses, often times without a single tear welling up in my eyes. People have said things to me like, "You are so strong." or "How can you talk about it without crying?" Often, my response is something along the lines of "I have my moments." or "You haven't seen me behind closed doors." Behind closed doors...

There are probably a select few of you who have witnessed one of my many "moments." Perhaps you are one who extended a hug and squeezed just long enough that the tears started flowing. Or maybe you were sitting near me at church this past Sunday, handing me tissues from behind as the tears just poured down. Perhaps you were there in the ultrasound room with me when my world fell completely apart, when all hopes and dreams for our sweet baby were shattered by the silence of no heartbeat and a still baby lay cradled inside my womb. Or maybe you are one who heard me cry repeatedly, "I don't understand!" Indeed, each of these instances have occurred over this past week and some of you have been witnesses to these events.

The fact of the matter is that grief is ugly. There's nothing simple about it. Grief is comprised of every mix of emotions you can imagine and when it roars its ugly head, there's no telling who or what might be in its path of destruction. In our grief, we often say or do hurtful things. We may even retreat from those who love us most. Here are some real examples from just this past week at how grief and its ugliness have shown up in my very own home...

When my child, in his grief, says to me "It seems like you hate me" because I have lacked the energy to play with him like I normally would.

Tears shed in the quietness of my office as I prepared to tell nearly 60 infant development students that the pregnancy I was so excited about would no longer be.

When I have felt feelings of resentment toward my living children, wishing for my children who died far too soon. Then the undeniable guilt over such feelings of resentment.

Countless cries of "I don't understand!"

Purposeful avoidance of incoming calls from those who love us, only wishing to offer their support.

Anger in my heart about why my babies had to die, yet other women have their babies and they hurt them, don't want them, and even kill them.

Oh my, grief is ugly. Even uglier than grief...our sin. Grief exists in this world because of sin. Pain and suffering and anguish exist on this side of heaven because of our fallen nature. But there will be a day, one day soon, when the tears, the sorrow, and the pain of this world are gone forever. Revelation 21:4 says,

"He [Jesus] will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."

In the rawness of my grief, in the midst of so much pain, there was a time shortly after finding out about the loss last week where I just prayed, "Please come, Jesus. Come quickly Lord." I kept repeating these phrases, eager for His return when the pain and sorrow of this world will be swept away in an instant for me because I belong to Christ. An answer to my prayer, Lindsay (not knowing the prayers of my heart) sent me an email with a few verses for encouragement, the first of which was:

"I am coming soon."
Revelation 22:7, 12 & 20

Thank you, Jesus! Come quickly! And thank you for making all things new. You have victory over sin and death and every ugly thing in this world. You alone are almighty Savior who was, who is, and who always will be. There is victory in Christ!