Mommies with Hope

And the Title is...

2012-01-16T18:57:00.002-06:00

Well ladies...it's official. The book I've written now has a title and I wanted you all to be the first to know! I hope you like it...

Hope for Today, Promises for Tomorrow
Finding Light Beyond the Shadow of Miscarriage or Infant Loss

Yep, that's it and I am so excited!

In related news, the actual release date has been pushed back to August 1st (not July 1st like I had originally thought). However, there will be some copies floating around before then and I will have a supply to take with me to have available at the Proverbs 31 Ministries She Speaks conference at the end of July (over my birthday I might add)!

I will continue to keep you ladies posted. I continue to pray that you may be blessed by the writing of this book. Just a few short months till we can all read it together...woohoo!

More important than any of this...may I just leave you with a bit of Hope for Today ~

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."

Romans 15:13

Overflowing with hope today and resting in His promises for tomorrow,
Teske

A Prayer for This New Year

2012-01-02T19:10:00.002-06:00

Heavenly Father,
In the freshness of this New Year, may you cover these Mommies with your ever-present love and comfort. May they know You...really know You. May each of these women who gather here come to a place where they are able to find complete contentment in You, despite their circumstances. Lord, I ask that You bring a peace that only You can bring - a peace that that calms the anxious thoughts, that pours over every decision, and that penetrates each Mommy to her very heart and soul. God, help us to get to a place where we can see purpose in the pain, meaning in the mess, and triumph in the tears. Give us victory over grief. Your Word tells us, Lord, that in You death has no sting! Help us to remember and cling to the hope of the everlasting dwelling place of our precious babies. Jesus, this New Year, I pray that you make us new. For those Mommies who need to trust in You for the very first time - with their lives, their hearts, and their futures - reveal Yourself strong. For those of us who know You as personal Savior, continue to lead us in every aspect of our lives. We trust You, Lord Jesus...in You, all is grace.
Amen.

He Knows

2011-12-15T15:45:00.000-06:00

It's been quite some time since I've been able to sit and just think. There's always something - a deadline, an agenda, a sink full of dishes or a mountain of laundry. Tired doesn't come close to an appropriate description. Yet today, I am just thinking. Sure, I've had lots to do and have three stops to make before our Hope Meeting tonight, but not now. Sitting. Sipping Coffee. Thinking.

Today, my thoughts are enamored by His grace. I contemplate - How am I so blessed? Why has He chosen to use me? What could I possibly have to offer? I don't know the answers, but I know the One who does. Oh how He loves me...as He loves you.

I think about Chloe, about Jesse, about Riyah Mae... what are they like? Are they together? Will they know me? Oh, I miss them. I don't know the answers, but I know the One who does. Thank you Lord, for knowing all things. In You, all is grace.

I wonder what's to come...How can I serve? Who can I serve? Where can I serve? Will you continue to build this ministry, Lord? Again, I don't know, but I trust that You do. I trust You. Use me however You see fit, Almighty God.

I don't know where your heart is, fellow mommy. I don't know where you've been, where you're at, or where you're headed. I can't pretend to know your pain, but I do know it hurts. I can't say all the right words or heal your broken heart. I am lacking in ways innumerable....believe me!

Here is what I can do - I can point you to the One who is the King above all Kings, the Lord of Lords, our Almighty God and Counselor! He is good, worthy to be praised, and He holds each and every tear that falls. He loves you. Did you hear me?? He loves you! What's more...He came into this world as a baby Himself. Precious Jesus. He knows all and He knows you. You are His creation. Do you know Him?

This Christmas, may you find HOPE in the Savior!

Hope Was Born...

2011-12-06T20:26:00.001-06:00

I love Christmastime. It hasn't been the easiest of seasons since my losses. Sure, there should be more presents under the tree and more children to help sing "Happy Birthday, Jesus!" Still, it is good.

I think the best thing about Christmas is the HOPE that bursts forth. It's a time of possibility, expectation, and wonder. Hope was born over 2,000 years ago when God Himself entered into this world. A precious babe, Jesus, born in a manger. Have you ever stopped to ponder that fact? That He would choose to enter into this world as a baby? I treasure that fact.

Through the eyes of the world, babies don't hold much weight in this world. A baby gone to heaven too soon is here, then gone. That baby is remembered no more. People move on, forget even. Not that child's mommy. That child will never be forgotten. And to think that God chose to send His Son as a baby...that comforts me. I'm reminded that God loves us - even the tiniest of us. He loves you. He loves your babe who is with Him now.

He sent His son into the world. Hope was born and gives me life. This hope I cling to now and forevermore.

May you find HOPE in Jesus this Christmas...

Be Thankful for the Thorns...

2011-11-23T23:14:00.000-06:00

In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I am posting "Be Thankful for the Thorns" (anonymous author), as I did last year. It is my prayer that this story would bring you comfort in the midst of the pain of your loss. Ladies, you are in my prayers...

"Give thanks to the Lord for He is good, His love endures forever."

1 Chronicles 16:34

BE THANKFUL FOR THE THORNS

Sandra felt as low as the heels of her Birkenstocks as she pushed against a November gust and the florist shop door. Her life had been easy, like spring breeze.Then in the fourth month of her second pregnancy, a minor automobile accident stole her ease. During this Thanksgiving week she would have delivered a son.
She grieved over her loss. As if that weren't enough, her husband's company threatened a transfer. Then her sister, whose holiday visit she coveted, called saying she could not come. What's worse, Sandra's friend infuriated her by suggesting her grief was a God-given path to maturity that would allow her to empathize with others who suffer. "She has no idea what I'm feeling," thought Sandra. "Thanksgiving? Thankful for what?" she wondered. For a careless driver whose truck was hardly scratched when he rear-ended her? For an airbag that saved her life but took the life of her unborn child?
"Good afternoon, can I help you?" The shop clerk's approach startled her. "I ... I need an arrangement," stammered Sandra. "For Thanksgiving? Do you want beautiful but ordinary, or would you like to challenge the day with a customer favorite I call the 'Thanksgiving Special'?" asked the shop clerk. "I'm convinced that flowers tell stories," she continued. "Are you looking for something that conveys 'gratitude' this Thanksgiving?"
"Not exactly!" Sandra blurted out. "In the last five months, everything that could go wrong has gone wrong."
Sandra regretted her outburst, and was surprised when the shop clerk said, "I have the perfect arrangement for you."
Then the door's small bell rang, and the shop clerk said, "Hi, Barbara ... let me get your order." She politely excused herself and walked toward a small workroom, then quickly reappeared, carrying an arrangement of greenery, bows, and long-stemmed thorny roses. Except the ends of the rose stems were neatly snipped. There were no flowers!
"Want this in a box?" asked the clerk. Sandra watched for the customer's response. Was this a joke? Who would want rose stems with no flowers! She waited for laughter, but neither woman laughed. "Yes, please," Barbara replied with an appreciative smile. "You'd think after three years of getting the special, I wouldn't be so moved by its significance, but I can feel it right here, all over again," she said as she gently tapped her chest.
"Uh," stammered Sandra, "that lady just left with, uh ... she just left with no flowers!"
"Right, said the clerk, "I cut off the flowers. That's the Special. I call it the Thanksgiving Thorns Bouquet."
"Oh, come on, you can't tell me someone is willing to pay for that!" exclaimed Sandra.
"Barbara came into the shop three years ago feeling much like you feel today," explained the clerk. "She thought she had very little to be thankful for. She had lost her father to cancer, the family business was failing, her son was into drugs, and she was facing major surgery."
"That same year I had lost my husband," continued the clerk," and for the first time in my life, had just spent the holidays alone. I had no children, no husband, no family nearby, and too great a debt to allow any travel."
"So what did you do?" asked Sandra.
"I learned to be thankful for thorns," answered the clerk quietly.
"I've always thanked God for good things in life and never to ask Him why those good things happened to me, but when bad stuff hit, did I ever ask! It took time for me to learn that dark times are important. I have always enjoyed the 'flowers' of life, but it took thorns to show me the beauty of God's comfort. You know, the Bible says that God comforts us when we're afflicted, and from His consolation we learn to comfort others."
Sandra sucked in her breath as she thought about the very thing her friend had tried to tell her. "I guess the truth is I don't want comfort. I've lost a baby and I'm angry with God."
Just then someone else walked in the shop. "Hey, Phil!" shouted the clerk to the balding, rotund man. "My wife sent me in to get our usual Thanksgiving arrangement ... twelve thorny, long-stemmed stems!" laughed Phil as the clerk handed him a tissue-wrapped arrangement from the refrigerator.

"Those are for your wife?" asked Sandra incredulously. "Do you mind me asking why she wants something that looks like that?"No ... I'm glad you asked," Phil replied. "Four years ago my wife and I nearly divorced. After forty years, we were in a real mess, but with the Lord's grace and guidance, we slogged through problem after problem. He rescued our marriage. Jenny here (the clerk) told me she kept a vase of rose stems to remind her of what she learned from 'thorny' times, and that was good enough for me. I took home some of those stems. My wife and I decided to label each one for a specific 'problem' and give thanks for what that problem taught us."

As Phil paid the clerk, he said to Sandra, "I highly recommend the Special!""I don't know if I can be thankful for the thorns in my life." Sandra said to the clerk. "It's all too ... fresh."
"Well," the clerk replied carefully, "my experience has shown me that thorns make roses more precious. We treasure God's providential care more during trouble than at any other time. Remember, it was a crown of thorns that Jesus wore so we might know His love. Don't resent the thorns."

Tears rolled down Sandra's cheeks. For the first time since the accident, she loosened her grip on resentment. "I'll take those twelve long-stemmed thorns, please," she managed to choke out."I hoped you would," said the clerk gently. "I'll have them ready in a minute."
"Thank you. What do I owe you?"
"Nothing. Nothing but a promise to allow God to heal your heart. The first year's arrangement is always on me."
The clerk smiled and handed a card to Sandra. "I'll attach this card to your arrangement, but maybe you would like to read it first." It read:
"My God, I have never thanked You for my thorns.
I have thanked You a thousand times for my roses, but never once for my thorns.
Teach me the glory of the cross I bear;
Teach me the value of my thorns.
Show me that I have climbed closer to You along the path of pain;
Show me that, through my tears, the colors of Your rainbow look much more brilliant."

***

What do you have to be thankful for this year? I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments below.

Been a While...

2011-11-20T19:20:00.000-06:00

Well, ladies...you are so incredibly patient with me. And for that, I am thankful! The last few months have been a whirlwind of sorts. Finishing the book I've been working on (more details to come!) and working full-time have taken a great deal of time, leaving little leftover for keeping up on the blog. Forgive me? (Say yes?! Say yes?!)

Okay...good!

The Lord has been teaching me so much lately. Honestly, I don't even know where to begin... I'm learning much about leadership and ministry, giftedness and callings, God's purpose and will in our lives, and the list goes on. I realize each of these topics are very broad, encompassing a variety of scenarios that any one of you could relate to. The one central theme that runs through each of these very broad topics and life itself is the gospel. It always comes back to the gospel, as it ought to. I am continually amazed at the power and the love demonstrated by the gospel of Jesus Christ.

When I consider any of the following scenarios...

...My role as a leader in the Mommies with Hope ministry
...How God may use me and the experiences He's walked me through
...The gifts and the abilities He has given me
...The calling He has placed on my life
...His purpose in the midst of my pain
...His will in every area of my life - family, friendships, ministry, and work
...The furthering of His kingdom
...The fruits of my labor

...May it always be centered on the gospel of our Lord, Jesus Christ!

That is my prayer for you tonight, fellow mommies. May you know Him in the most intimate of ways, surrendering your hearts and lives to the love that He demonstrated on the cross. That's the gospel...He died so that you might live. May you know and receive this precious gift as you embrace a gospel-centered life.

Tonight, I Remember...

2011-10-15T21:35:00.000-05:00

Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. It is after 9:00 p.m. and I just lit a candle in memory of my three precious babies in heaven; Chloe, Jesse, and Riyah Mae. I sit here sipping on a warm cup of coffee as the scent of baked french toast [the candle] permeates the room. Quiet. Still. Silent. Peace.

I reflect upon the events of the weekend I spent with some special women in my neighbor state; women who had to say goodbye too soon. Women, young and old, who came together for one specific purpose on this sunny fall morning. To remember. And what a gift to share in that with each of them.

Back home, in the quietness of my home, in the stillness of the night, and in the silence of my thoughts, I remember. Words are few, to be honest. They are hard to come by when there are no words to truly express all that I wish to convey. I could share the hurt and the pain surrounding the losses I've endured over these past 5 1/2 years, but I won't. Because tonight, I remember...and it is good. It is good because He is good. My God who never changes, who holds my heart in His hands, and who has given me a ministry out of my mess.

Jesus, hug my babies tight tonight.

***

If you did something special to honor your baby(ies) for National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, please feel free to share in the comments. I'd love to hear about it!

Forgive Me?? And Please Pray!

2011-09-08T10:25:00.000-05:00

Greetings Mommies! First, I must ask your forgiveness for my sporadic posting habits of late. I have to admit, it's been a little crazy around here. Everything from back to school, working my day job 40+ hours a week, expanding the ministry, etc. Oh...and not to mention my book deadline on the horizon! Which leads me to my prayer request...

Will you please pray for me as I write this month?! I'm approaching an early October deadline for the book I've been working on, provisionally titled...

Becoming a Mommy with Hope

Living God's Promises in the Shadow of Pregnancy and Infant Loss

Here's some exciting news about the book...it will be released in July 2012!

Blessings to all of you fellow Mommies - you are on my heart and in my prayers as I continue to write!

Beautiful...

2011-08-24T20:17:00.000-05:00

Words are still scrambling through my heart and mind as I think about Tate's precious service that was held yesterday morning. For now, all I can say is that it was simply beautiful. I leave you with a link to a fellow mommy's perspective of the day - she sums it up beautifully...

They Are Safely Home

Be blessed.

Memorial Service for Tate...

2011-08-20T09:33:00.002-05:00

Those of you on our email list know that a fellow mommy and co-facilitator of one of our support groups, Shayla, recently experienced the loss of her precious boy, Tate, who went to be with Jesus. On Monday, she went in for her 16-week appointment and an ultrasound confirmed the worst. Tate was born still and silent on Tuesday, August 16th. Please keep Shayla and Joshua and their family in your prayers. There will be a graveside memorial service on Tuesday, August 23rd at 10 a.m. at Oakwood Cemetery in Pleasant Hill. His obituary will be printed in Sunday's Des Moines Register.

"I lift up my eyes to the mountains—

where does my help come from?

My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth."

Psalm 121:1-2

Unsettled...

2011-08-10T20:23:00.000-05:00

I returned home from a work conference late last evening. I admit, I was a bit unsettled throughout the conference. Sure, it was tough to spend two full days talking about how to help families when a baby dies. There were times throughout the conference when my heart and mind vividly returned to those doctor appointments, ultrasounds, and hospital experiences that left me clouded with grief. The presenters provided great information, a wealth of stories and experiences, and some wonderful hands on tools for helping families. I am proud to report that the standard of care that they so strongly emphasized was truly what I experienced with each of my losses.

Still, there was something missing...

During those two days, I sat and squirmed, huffed and puffed, moaned and groaned; unsettled. What was it that I was looking for that was not being conveyed? What was missing? Who was missing?

Minutes into the drive home, I knew precisely what it was. I had spend the last two-and-a-half days talking, learning, listening, sharing, and debriefing about pregnancy and infant loss, how it impacted women's lives, and how professionals can help, yet felt as though I sat in a room that was absolutely devoid of HOPE. I wonder...

Without HOPE, how can a mommy...

...endure loss?

...keep on living?

...explain to her living children that their baby sibling died?

...even get out of bed?

Hope was missing. The skills taught, the lessons learned, and the practicality of the information was welcomed, necessary, and meaningful. I am a first hand beneficiary of such care and I am grateful. But Hope. What about hope? I'm not talking about hope for a cure or hope for a misdiagnosis. Nor am I suggesting hope in medicine, doctors, or neonatal heroics. I'm talking about Hope in its purest form, the only Hope I know. Hope in Him. Jesus. Our living HOPE who overcame the grave. Jesus.

I admit, it was not a pleasant feeling to be unsettled. We all like to be in that comfy cozy place where life is easy and all the world seems rights. But this week, He unsettled me so that I could settle into Him. The hopeless situation of loss warrants the one true Hope of Christ!

Another Chapter...

2011-08-08T19:51:00.000-05:00

I look back over the past five years and am amazed at all that has taken place in my life. Five summers ago, life was a blur as the grief was fresh and pain ran deep in the shadow of Chloe's birth and death. Then, there were days that I didn't have the strength to even move myself from the couch. I'd lie in bed at night waiting for Justin to fall asleep before I let the tears fall. Sometimes, I'd shake so hard from crying that he'd wake up and just hold me. The only words I could muster were, "It's not fair! I just want her here!" Some days it seemed there would be no reprieve from the grief.

View from my conference hotel room.

As I write this evening, I peer out the window of a hotel room in Wisconsin overlooking the Mississippi River and I feel an overwhelming sense of peace as I marvel at God's creation. Without going into much detail, I will share that I am here for a conference as a part of my work, which is a two-day training to offer a hospital-based support group for couples who've experienced the loss of a baby through pregnancy or infant loss.

It's odd being on the "other end" of this sort of thing; to sit in a room full of professionals who companion bereaved parents such as myself but who very likely have never experienced the loss of their own babies. The presenters show videos, share stories, and provide information about how to help these families. I take in the information, but my heart and my mind are in rewind as I remember. I think back to the mementos created for Chloe and I feel bittersweetly blessed. I think of Jesse who left this world far too soon; my baby who only few know about. Then I remember miss Riyah Mae whose little heart stopped beating at the beginning of my second trimester. So much loss. So many memories. So much pain.

Yet healing has come and peace envelopes me as I embrace this new chapter that God has written. I would have never weaved these stories into the fabric of my life. Still, my heavenly Father knows each and every detail as it has come to pass and as the pages turn. He knew that He would use precious Chloe to help form Mommies with Hope. He knew that her life would bring me back to His Son. He knew that her life would lead her earthly daddy to eternal life. He knew that He would build His kingdom through me. He knew that doors would be open for the ministry to grow. He knew that He would provide a way for me to share His promises with a world of mommies who so desperately need His Son. He knew that He'd use me in my work at the funeral home - a place I would have never dreamt of working! He knew that a partnership would form in a secular world where He could use me to really reach out and help others. Only He knows how He will continue to use me, use this ministry, and use the stories as I embark on this new endeavor. I am so thankful that He alone is the author and I trust Him as the pages continue to turn in yet another chapter...

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you; plans to give you a hope and a future.'"

Blessings

2011-08-01T16:08:00.002-05:00

Many of you have probably had the privilege of hearing this beautiful song, Blessings, by Laura Story. If not, you will be blessed in hearing it below (be sure to pause the music on the playlist at the bottom of the blog first). The message of the song compels me to ponder the blessings I've experienced, even in the midst of loss. I pray it will do the same for you too. Just last week Deanna, one of the leaders for our Ames group, emailed me about this song and pulled the following quote from Laura Story's website as she commented about the song:

“The song shows that we still have more questions than answers,” Laura confesses. “But there’s a decision that I find God is asking us to make: whether we are going to choose to interpret our circumstances based on what we hold to be true about God, or whether we’re going to judge what we hold to be true about God based on our circumstances.” ~ Laura Story

Be Blessed, Mommies! And if you are so inclined, share the story of your "blessings" in the comments below...

When it Hurts

2011-07-13T18:56:00.005-05:00

I am no stranger to grief and my guess is, neither are you. It has not been an easy road to say the least. As a child, I recall my grandpa's death. Mom was making pancakes when the phone call came informing us of his heart attack. Next thing I knew, she was gone and days later my cousins and I were all together under the careful watch of a babysitter while the rest of the family gathered for the service. Just a couple short years later, my childhood friend's big sister was shot and killed the summer before her senior year of high school. I was afraid of death. Afraid of what happened. Sad for my friend. Frightened by the nightmare I vividly remember having after attending the funeral. I remember looking next door one early morning in the aftermath of her death, only to see her daddy outside crying. He was so sad. I was sad for him.

It wasn't until college that grief truly rocked my world. At the vulnerable age of 18, I was new to the college scene, living in a different town with different friends and scenery. It was a welcome change. Then, I got the call from mom that my step-brother had been in a terrible car accident. He was hit by a drunk driver. Oh, the injustice. One week later, he died. My brother came to my college dorm and along with his fiance, who he was to marry that very week, and they told me the news. I was broken. Thinking back, I wonder, how did we do a funeral on Friday and a wedding on Saturday? It hurt then and it hurts now as I remember.

A few short years later commenced the beginning of the painful path of Chloe's death and pregnancy losses of two more precious babies, Jesse and Riyah Mae. Different children. Different gestations. Different experiences. The same love for each one. The same pain. The feeling that it just wasn't fair. How can someone miss a baby she never even knew? I promise you - she can. And she does. I miss every one of them. Last year, grandma went to be with Jesus. Dear Grandma, tell them how much I love them so. Tell them what their mamma is like. I remember when I visited Grandma in her hospital room. She took my hand and she said to me just a few words that I will always cherish: "Teske...you're a good mommy. You're a good mommy." That means the world to me coming from a woman who raised 14 children and who experienced the death of three babies of her own.

Today is one of those days when it hurts. It hurts to remember it all. It hurts to think about the reality of the circumstances we face; a result of living in a fallen world. Sin abounds. Death stings. Grief runs deep. People fail us...over and over again. People hurt us...over and over again. Situations remind us of the reality of the injustice of it all. The grief is real and raw and can't be avoided. It just hurts in the most tender spot. It's a deep down to the core kind of hurt. It can't be numbed or stuffed or put off for another day. Today is one of those days when it hurts.

I am at a place where right now, today on one of those days when it hurts, I need to park my heart and mind on the Truth of God's Word. I need to saturate myself in the reality of Who He is and Whose I am. I need to remind myself of the goodness of my God in the midst of my mess. Even when it hurts, here is what I know about my Jesus...

He heals my broken heart and binds up all my wounds. (Psalm 147:3)

My help comes from Him. (Psalm 121:2)

Because of Him, death has no sting. (1 Corinthians 15:54)

He never changes. (James 1:17)

He is my refuge. (Psalm 91:2)

He gives me peace as I place my trust in Him. (Isaiah 26:3)

He will work all things for good because I love Him. (Romans 8:28)

He wants me to come to Him and rest in Him. (Matthew 11:28)

I can do all things, even this, through Him because He alone is my strength. (Philippians 4:13)

He has a plan for my life. (Jeremiah 29:11)

When I seek Him, I will find Him. (Jeremiah 29:13)

He is near. (Philippians 4:5)

He gave His life for me. (John 3:16)

None of this really matters because He has overcome it all. (John 16:33) I belong to Him...Hallelujah, there is victory in Christ!

These truths and so many more wrap me in a blanket of peace as I experience, feel, and remember. Today is a day when it hurts. The pain is real, but so is my Savior, who redeems all things for His glory and my good. Trusting Jesus...even when it hurts.

Longing

2011-07-07T18:53:00.002-05:00

Today, I read a wonderful blog post titled, "The Longing for a Baby" by Glynnis Whitwer of Proverbs 31 Ministries. I wanted to share it with you, my fellow mommies who long for a baby in the deepest way. I pray you will be comforted by her words and I encourage you to check out the blog and book she mentions in her post!!

The Longing for a Baby

Perspectives on Peace???

2011-07-04T17:09:00.003-05:00

One of my all time favorite verses in Scripture is Isaiah 26:3, which states:

"You keep his heart in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because He trusts in You."

It's a verse I have to go to repeatedly as the craziness of my world and my circumstances are seemingly always spinning in a million different directions. Sometimes I verbalize it out loud as a call out to God in prayer, petitioning for a piece of His peace. Other times, I quietly whisper "perfect peace, perfect peace, perfect peace" in a desperate distress as I refocus my mind on Him, the One true peace-giver.

In the aftermath of loss, peace may seem like an unattainable goal, far off in the distance. Wounds are fresh and the pain is real. Grief is raw as it roars its ugly head. Peace is what we know our babies are experiencing in His presence, but those of us who are left here to grieve may feel nothing but turmoil.

Experiencing the peace of God is a tremendous blessing in the midst of pain. I have found myself praying for peace a lot lately. Peace for my family in the busyness of life. Peace in my heart about sacrifices and priorities, as I try (and fail miserably) to strike a balance in family, work, and ministry. Peace for the many women who I encounter every week whose babies have entered into eternal peace with God.

I have decided to add a chapter to my book on the topic of peace. And by the way - if you didn't know, I'm working on a book, which you can read about here. The chapter focuses on the promise of His peace in our lives in the shadow of pregnancy or infant loss...

So, I would be curious to hear from you about how you've experienced God's peace in the midst of your grief? Do you have any stories or examples to share? Please post them in the comments or shoot me an email!

Peace and Blessings!

Teske

A Bold Reminder

2011-06-27T22:00:00.002-05:00

It was 7:35 a.m. when I entered my office this bright Monday morning. I had no idea the blessing I would find awaiting me there. I was hurried to get there during my usual 50 minute commute. I was tired and rushed, as is the case most every Monday morning.

The weekend had been quite eventful, in fact, only adding to the tiredness. I had worked on Saturday morning, helping lead a memorial service for families who had endured miscarriage in recent months. I hardly call it work, since this is something I am so deeply passionate about. Following the service, we had a Mommies with Hope Board Meeting (amazing!) and then I was racing off to the in-laws who had been charged with the task of caring for our children, our oldest whom they had cared for all week long! My husband was on his way home from picking up our 16-year-old niece (who now lives with us...that's a story for another day) from a music camp that was 3 1/2 hours away. Dinner consisted of Chinese delivery, one of two food venues that will deliver to our small town of 900, and the loads of laundry quickly piled high as we hauled kids' bags and suitcases in from a week away.

Sunday morning worship as a family was a much-needed and blessed time of refreshing. More rushing as we embarked on our 45 minute commute home from church (we are one crazy, commuting family!) and indulged in Chinese leftovers for lunch. Did I mention they are one of two food venues that deliver to our tiny town?? Moving on... Dishes, cleanup, more laundry - all before a Target trip and getting the older kids back down to church - 45 minutes away - for the start of Vacation Bible School and my teenage niece's youth missions week, where she will be helping with VBS, camping out all week, and doing service projects throughout the community. Revved it up at VBS, full-throttle for God! Writing at the cafe down the street while the kids learned and played and praised Him. Drove home - 45 minutes - and all kids tuckered in by 9:30 p.m. Thats a feat! More laundry, more dishes, filling out camp forms and gathering documents for a busy and dreaded Monday morn.

Then, a bold reminder as I walked into my newly de-cluttered office. Right there, on the clean and clear table in the center of my office space lay a bible. It had been pulled from the shelf and was open to the book of psalms. The only two colleagues I could think of who might have placed it there weren't even in yet and I knew that they hadn't been there over the weekend. In looking further, I was speechless to see that it was open to Psalm 84, which in its fullness reads:

"How lovely is your dwelling place, O Lord Almighty.

My soul yearns, even faint, for the courts of the Lord;

my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God.

Even the sparrow has found a home, and the swallow a nest for herself,

where she may have her young - a place near your altar,

O Lord Almighty, my King and my God.

Blessed are those who dwell in your house; they are ever praising you.

Blessed are those who strength is in you, who have set their hearts on pilgrimage.

As they pass through the Valley of Baca, they make it a place of springs;

the autumn rains also cover it with pools.

They go from strength to strength, till each appears before God in Zion.

Hear my prayer, O Lord God Almighty; listen to me, O God of Jacob.

Look upon your shield, O God look with favor on your anointed one.

Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere; I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked.

For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor;

no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless.

O lord Almighty, blessed is the man who trusts in you."

Psalm 84 (NIV)

Big deal, right? Yes, it is a big deal. It was as if the bible was strategically placed in a manner that was intended for me to read it. It was as if someone had placed it there, opened it to that specific page, for some specific purpose. It was even angled neatly toward the corner of the table, facing the direction that faces the pathway through my office, toward the computer armoire. Here are the pictures I took before placing the bible back on the shelf...

Still, you may be wondering why I'm making such a fuss over this. Well, I don't know who was responsible for laying the bible open on my table in such a fashion, to that particular passage no less, but I firmly believe that God intended it to be a bold reminder to me fresh off a weekend of craziness. Life is hectic, hurried, and far too busy. I needed something to stop me in my tracks and help me refocus. In all of the words of the bible, Psalm 84 would do just that. You see, Psalm 84:1, which reads "How lovely is your dwelling place, O Lord Almighty" is the very verse that ordains the back of Chloe's headstone. The significance of this Psalm comes in the fact that it was this psalm, set to music, that was playing in the hospital room at the she went to be with Jesus. Just after hearing the nurse say, "Time of death - 3:55 p.m." the music rang forth, declaring, "Better is one day in your court! Better is one day in your house! Better is one day in your courts than thousands elsewhere!"

I have been blessed to experience a number of "God moments." This, I believe, was a message sent directly from Him, perhaps through an angel, to give a bold reminder of His Power, His Love, His Mercy, and His Might.

Lord, I trust you in all things - from the death of my babies to the call to take in my 16-year-old niece. I trust in You alone, O Lord Almighty! Even amidst the everyday craziness of our busy, hurried lives, you care to boldly remind me Who You are and Who I belong to. Thank you for loving me so.

Have you experienced a "God moment" that you'd be willing to share? What about your own visit from an angel? Please share in the comments!

Facing Death All Day Long

2011-06-21T10:15:00.000-05:00

Death. I face it daily. In my work. In my ministry. It seems morbid to some. “How can you work in a funeral home?” they question. “What do you do there? Isn’t it depressing?” Depressing? Sometimes. Rewarding? Always.

The accolades spew forth, “You’re so strong. I don’t know how you do it. You are a blessing to so many." You are this and that and fill in the blank. Humbled, yes indeed.

In my life, death is never lacking. I see it every day. People – young and old, alike. Too many. Too young. In just the last two weeks, too many children. Too many babies. At least ten. Maybe more. Some born too soon, others gone too soon. It never gets easy.

I face death all day long. Every day I see death, I feel death, I know the pain death brings. I offer a gentle embrace to grieving mommy. I explain death to children who have to see their baby sibling in a casket. I pray boldly for them all.

It never gets easy. I never become immune. I cannot be desensitized. Yet, when I am weak, I am strong (2 Corinthians 12:10). I can do this job because it is He, my Jesus, who gives me strength (Philippians 4:13). Yes, I face death every day, so too, I boast in Christ (1 Corinthians 15:31). I work with all my heart for Him and no other (Colossians 3:23). He alone has equipped me by the comfort He has given (2 Corinthians 1:3-4). So yes, I share in the sufferings of many (2 Corinthians 1:7), but my HOPE is in HIM.

Unfair

2011-06-01T19:28:00.003-05:00

I don't write about work all too often on here, despite the fact that I work at a funeral home. In my line of work, I am surrounded by death daily. Most of the time, I am able to distance myself from the sadness, the pain, and the heartbreaking grief of those who walk through our doors. Most of the time, I can keep it all together, maintain my composure, and hold back the tears. Most of the time, I can effectively help a family or a child without taking their story home with me. Most of the time.

Sometimes, though, I am immersed into the lives of these people with a heavy heart that is empathetic to their pain. Sometimes, I am broken as their loss makes me think of my own losses. Sometimes, I have to remove myself from a particular project or task and make a beeline to my ghirardelli chocolate stash (true story). Sometimes, I cry with compassion for these families...and that's okay. Sometimes, life - and death - seem so unfair.

Just this week, I was charged with the task of preparing a little boy to see his 3-month old baby brother...in a casket. His baby brother died in his sleep during naptime. At the tender age of 7, this young boy walked in confident and sure of himself. Dressed in his best, he had a smile that shined light into a dark situation as he entered the funeral home with a family member. His mommy had been there for a while already and had taken time to see her youngest son as he laid in a small wooden casket, adorned with ornate white interior. The room was filled with flowers fit for a baby in hues of blues and yellows and whites. It was a beautiful setting, complete with a night light and toys as one entire side of this room overlooked a special Children's Garden, dedicated to all the families served whose babies have died. This little boy didn't know that just minutes before he came, his mommy and daddy slowly approached his baby brother's casket with tears flowing. My heart broke for this fellow mommy as the aching sounds of her wails flowed just as freely as the tears. It was so unfair.

Why would a 3-month old baby die in his sleep?

Why should I have to prepare a child to see his baby brother in his casket?

Why are caskets even made this small?

Why do this mommy and daddy have to say goodbye so soon?

Why is there a garden full of ornaments; each one representing a child who has died?

Why did I have to stand in this very building 5 years ago for my own daughter's funeral?

It's all so unfair.

The experience brought me back. During my pregnancy with Chloe, after knowing she would die shortly after birth, my motto was "It's not fair!" It really wasn't. And neither was this. None of our losses are fair. Death is not fair.

The truth is we are not promised fairness in this world. We are not promised lives free from heartache or pain or grief. We are not promised to always live comfortably or within our comfort zone. We are not promised that babies won't die. We are not promised a life free from earthly death. Rather, Jesus himself tells us in John 16:33...

"In this world you will have trouble..."

You will have trouble. Your heart will break. You will know pain and sorrow. You will experience grief. You will face trials you never thought you'd have to face.

But Jesus doesn't stop there. He leaves us with a word of encouragement when he says,

"...But take heart! I have overcome the world."

Take heart, daughter. I have overcome. Take heart. I hold your heart in my hands. Take heart. I will piece your broken heart back together as you trust in Me. Take heart. I know your pain and sorrow. I am a Man of Sorrows. Take heart. I too am acquainted with grief. Take heart. I know what you faced yesterday, what you face today, and what you will face tomorrow and I am there. Take heart. I have overcome the world. Trust in Me. I have conquered sin. Trust Me. I have risen from the grave. Give me your heart. Death has no sting. Surrender.

The God of All Comfort

2011-05-24T17:30:00.000-05:00

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God."

2 Corinthians 1:3-4

I am beyond excited to share this video with you, fellow Mommies! This has been a work in progress for a couple of months now and I am blown away by the work of Adam Beecher, a friend who put this video together. I pray you will be blessed as you watch it and get a glimpse of what Mommies with Hope is all about. May the God of all comfort, comfort you today.

Birthday Party in Heaven...

2011-05-11T17:57:00.001-05:00

I see it so clearly; an innocent laugh, flowing brown locks and eyes as deep dark as the sea, her round face lit up by the light of the candles as angels sing nearby. Many people are there, young and old alike. Her baby siblings are with her too, held by Grandma, as they watch their big sister smile and blow out the candles. It's her special day; a celebration of the day Chloe was born and went to be with Jesus. He is with her. She seems so happy. Today, there was a birthday party in heaven.

I can't assert to know exactly what heaven is like or claim to know how people look or whether or not they celebrate birthdays. However, it brings me comfort to think about what it might be like. I think back to the time of Chloe's birth. That was the best day and the worst day all at once. It seems like yesterday that I felt her tiny fingers clench around my thumb. She opened her tiny mouth and took the tiniest little breaths as I nuzzled close to her and kissed her cheeks. I remember the warmth of her body's skin against my own. She was fragile, but so strong. Strong enough to be born. Strong enough to hang on for 45 minutes, all the while being cuddled and hugged and kissed and loved. She fit perfectly across my chest and her head rested against my cheek as Justin lay by my side embracing us both. I remember it all so vividly and I would not trade a moment of that time for the world.

The breathing became sporadic. Movement began to cease. I knew she was fading fast and nothing could be done. All I wanted was more time. When our nurse checked her heartbeat upon my request, she despairingly gazed at me and said, "She's gone." I knew it was coming, my mind was prepared for those words, but my heart ached with a piercing blow as they spewed forth from her mouth. It was real. She was really gone. This fact was solidified when just moments later the nurse announced, "Time of death: 3:55 p.m." Still I knew that though she was absent from her physical body, a precious vessel, the special part of Chloe was with her Jesus. In that, I found great comfort. Yet, the pain was real and remains a reality to this day...five years later.

As I think about the significance of the day, I am flooded with emotion. I look back and could never have imagined the impact she'd have. I could never have known how much she'd teach me. It would have been preposterous to think that her tiny little life would have made such a big impact. Our God is a big God. He does things we don't expect. He takes something terribly ugly, like the death of a baby, and turns it into a thing of beauty.

God did some amazing things in my life during that time. He continues to amaze me over and over again! I could go on and on about the many ways in which His handiwork unfolded, but today, I want to leave you with one precious story that I cherish...

Just months before we received the news of Chloe's diagnosis and impending death, God formed a very special friendship between me and an unlikely friend. Jen, over a decade older than me (yup, I said it!), and I were placed together in an office during our graduate studies at Iowa State. During that time we spent together in the office, God used her in a miraculous way to minister to my hopeless soul. Grief-stricken and desperate for comfort, He placed her in my path for a purpose. I didn't know at the time that it would be to point me back to my first love, Jesus, from whom I had strayed. I couldn't have predicted it would be to invite me to a church where I would hear and respond to the Truth of the Gospel. I would never have guessed that just a few short months later she would stand in a school hallway hand in hand with me and my husband, Justin, as he surrendered his life to Christ as tears streamed down each of our faces. It was unfathomable to think that she would pick up the pieces when I went through two subsequent miscarriages. There with me to pray and cry and stay up all night talking, on her birthday no less, when I miscarried Jesse at 6 weeks along. Then just a few months later to clear her schedule, cancel her classes and take my kids for a few days when Riyah Mae went to be with Jesus. She herself has a baby in heaven, gone too soon, yet loved and remembered. Friend. Mentor. Fellow Mommy. Sister in Christ. This is what she is to me...such a blessing.

Now, today and forevermore May 11 is a cherished day to us both. Today, May 11, 2011 her dad ~ the man who pointed her to Christ ~ went home to be with Jesus. This calls to mind a treasured memory I have of Chuck, a man of God with a boldness for Christ. Shortly after I met him, within a few months of when Chloe died, he shared these verses with me to provide comfort...

"The righteous man perishes, and no one takes it to heart; devout men are taken away, and no one understands that the righteous are taken away to be spared from evil. Those who walk uprightly enter into peace; they find rest as they lie in death."

Isaiah 57:1-2

What an amazing thing to be able to share this story and these verses with Jen as she stood by her dad's side last night after a fight with cancer, waiting for him to depart and be with His Savior. Today, I received word from Jen of his earthly death, followed up by a praise that He was with Jesus and with Chloe on her special day. I think about this heavenly birthday party... and amidst the glow of the candles, surrounded by children and angels and our blessed Savior, there's Chuck ~ heaven's newest resident, holding a grandbaby in his arms, telling Chloe about the legacy she has left on earth. All the while, his legacy continues on earth, in life and in death, all for the glory of God.

Bittersweet Days...

2011-05-08T14:08:00.003-05:00

For those of us who have endured the loss of a baby, Mother's Day may be anything but happy. Bittersweet seems to be a better descriptor in light of my experience. Regardless of how we may describe it or individually experience it, I think we would all agree that Mother's Day truly is a special day.

I would like to tell you that I had it all together this Mother's Day weekend. I wish I could say that my days were filled with joy and remembrance as I honored my three babies in heaven and cherished my two on earth. I long to share a hope and encouragement to each of you who are grieving this Mother's Day.

Can I honestly tell you that I had it all together? Not even close.

Can I say that my weekend was joy-filled with remembrance? Remembrance - yes! Joy-filled, not so much.

Did I act as though I truly cherished my two living children on earth? Confession - I did not.

Can I share a hope and encouragement with each of you this Mother's Day? Yes, I can! Not on my own strength, but on the strength of God alone in whom I find comfort and peace.

I reflect back on the weekend with mixed feelings. I did all the things I thought I should do. We purchased flowers for our memory garden, an annual tradition always to take place Mother's Day weekend. I spent the day planting flowers, filling my pots, and pulling weeds. The landscaping was finally beginning to take shape and the house exuded some much-needed curb appeal. I worked hard, I kept busy, and the job was complete. I had done my thing. In and of itself, this was a good thing. Unfortunately, the Mother's Day tradition that I had come to love as a way of honoring and remembering my three babies in heaven, had failed to incorporate one very important thing; a tending to my attitude.

I was merely going through the motions. I didn't stop to pray and thank God for His blessings. I failed to show gratefulness for my two living children. I treated my husband with a sense of entitlement, failing to acknowledge his grief. I was irritable and mean, robbed of the joy I claim in Christ. I was throwing myself a pity party, yet putting on a strong facade, going about my garden work. The work needed not be done in my garden, but in the very soil of my own heart. Instead of planting flowers and filling pots, I needed to be planting seeds of gratitude to my family and filling my heart with God's Word. Rather than weeding out my lawn, I needed to weed out the bitterness that had taken root.

As I contemplate over the events of the weekend, I am reminded of Psalm 118:24, which says:

"This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it."

Really? Today? A day that celebrates Motherhood, when I have three babies in heaven? God so gently whispers to my soul, "Yes, today." Others of you may pose a similar line of questioning, wondering if you should be celebrating when you have no living children or possess a longing for a child that is yet to be conceived. Again, the answer is, "Yes, today." I would even go so far as to say, today and tomorrow and the next day. Each and every day. It is hard and bittersweet and that's okay. Let us not, however, let the difficulty of the situation give root to bitterness in our hearts. Instead, may our hearts be filled with thanksgiving for all that God has done for us, chief of all is the fact that He willingly sent HIS OWN SON to die for each of us. What a humbling thought to ponder in light of my own loss; that Jesus would die on the cross for a sinner like me. Thank You, Lord. Help me to always remember and always be thankful for Your sacrifice, even on the bittersweet, difficult days like today.

Saved

2011-05-03T14:15:00.002-05:00

What exactly does it mean to be saved?

This question recently surfaced on the blog by an anonymous commenter. I have to admit, when I read the comment that included this question, I was excited! The excitement stems from a joy that comes along with being "saved" myself; a joy that exudes from within that overflows into the desire to share with others. So when I read the question, I thought...I have to write a post to address this question from a biblical perspective and will leave the rest to God.

So, let's think about this...what exactly does it mean to be saved?

To be saved means I am...

spared. rescued. free. set apart. liberated. safe. secure. salvaged. ransomed. redeemed. protected. unshackled. sealed. delivered.

Each of the words posed above help to describe the biblical concept of salvation, which is conveyed throughout Scripture and most notably conveyed in the words of John 3:16 which says,

"For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son [Jesus Christ], that whoever believes in Him will not perish but have eternal life."

The verse that follows goes on to explain that God sent Jesus , not to condemn the world, but to "save" it.

The very nature of this word "saved" implies that there is something that we must be saved from. And that we are. According to God's Word, I am saved from...

sin. death. hell.

The truth from Scripture is that we live in a fallen world. When Adam and Eve ate from the forbidden fruit in the garden, sin and death entered this world. Since that time, man has attempted to restore the relationship with God that was broken in all kinds of ways - works, good deeds, sacrifices, etc. The fact remains, however, that there is only one way that the separation from God can be repaired and that is through trust and faith in our Lord, Jesus Christ.

Jesus himself tells us in John 14:6:

"I am the way, the truth, and the life.

No one comes to the Father except through me."

Countless other verses from Scripture point to the One and Only Savior, Jesus Christ. Consider this title, Savior. The very word, "Savior" indicates that He, Jesus, exists to save us...from our sin, from death, from eternity without Him.

So then, what must one do to be saved? Well, the answer lies directly in God's Word...

Admit your are a sinner and that your sins keep you from God!

"For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God."

Romans 3:23

Understand the consequences of sin!

"For the wages of sin is death..."

Romans 6:23a

Know that God has made a way for the relationship to be restored and that He desires to give you eternal life!

"...but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Romans 6:23b

If you feel God knocking on the door to your heart, call out to Him in prayer in the name of Jesus and ask for forgiveness of your sins and eternal life in heaven!

"Whoever will call upon the name of the Lord will be saved!"

Romans 10:13

"If you confess with your mouth, 'Jesus is Lord,' and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you profess your faith and are saved."

Romans 10:9-10

I can't thank God enough for the way in which He has worked in my heart to bring me into a saving relationship with Him through His Son, Jesus Christ! I have assurance of eternity in heaven where I know I will be reunited with each of my three babies who are there now. What an amazing thought to ponder on God's love for each of us!

If you have a story of God's saving work in your own life, we would love to hear about the hope you have in the comments below. If you called out in the name of Jesus today, maybe after understanding for the first time what it exactly means to be saved, we would love to celebrate with you! Do share!

True Hope

2011-04-19T10:48:00.002-05:00

This week, we prepare to celebrate Resurrection Sunday! Also known as, Easter. We all know the story, right? We all know about Jesus; that He came to earth as a baby, grew into manhood and lived without sin. He went to the cross of calvary on our behalf, conquering sin and death so that we may have eternal life. We know all about it. But do we know HIM? He is our only true source of hope. Today, I am sharing with you a devotion written by Lysa Terkeurst of Proverbs 31 Ministries. I pray you will be blessed as you examine yourself this Easter season.

The Unsaved Christian

His Love is for ALL...

2011-03-25T17:30:00.000-05:00

Recently, I was particularly struck by one woman's story of loss. I won't go into the details because the details are unnecessary for the purposes of sharing with each of you a vital message. What you must know is that judgment, condemnation, and a lack of support surrounding the circumstances of her infant son's death are at the heart of her story. My heart hurt deeply for her. Her circumstances. Her loss. She needed to know she was not alone. I needed to tell her that Mommies with Hope is a place of comfort, encouragement, and God's love.

Each of our stories are unique and different. Some of us experience the pain of early miscarriage while others of us bury a child who lived for days, weeks, months or years outside the womb. Regardless of when or how our babies die, each of us are left to do the grief work set that lies ahead. We may not know exactly what a fellow mommy has been through or precisely how she feels, but we do know it hurts. That's the stinging reality of pregnancy or infant loss. A reality that outsiders don't seem to understand.

I could elaborate on any one of these points I've posed above, but as I won't. I could get on a soapbox about judgment and condemnation, but I won't. I could go on and on about the lack of support, but I won't. Rather, there is but one key message I am prompted to share today...

His. Love. Is. For. ALL.

That's right, ladies. God's love is for each and every one of us. It's for me, for you, for this precious woman I speak of above, and for our babies - no matter how brief their lives were. His love is for ALL! In contemplating God's love, my heart struggles to grasp a definition. I just know it. He has shown His love to me in countless ways and I am blessed. Still, my fingertips fight to type words worthy of conveying its significance. Here goes my feeble attempt...

God's love is...

Amazing. Astounding. Awesome. Beyond comprehension. Brings joy. Comforting. Consoling. Compassionate. Deliverance. Deep and Wide. Death-defying. Enlightening. Endless. Fantastic. Fabulous. Far-reaching. Great. Grand. Humbling. Indescribable. Immeasurable. Incredible. JESUS. Justice. Knowing. Knocking on the door to our hearts. Lavished upon us. Magnificent. Mind-blowing. More than enough. Miraculous. Never failing. Never ending. Near. Out of this world. Ongoing. Over all. Powerful. Perfect. Pleasing. Quaking. Quenching. Remarkable. Relational. Restorative. Sufficient. Sacred. Sacrificial. Tremendous. Terrific. Unfathomable. Unbelievable. Unlike any earthly love. Unconditional. Undeserved. Vital. Vibrant. Wonderful. Wowing. eXtraordinary. Yours. Zealous.

More than anything, God's love is for ALL the world, proven true by the sacrifice of His one and only Son, Jesus Christ! John 3:16 says, "For God so loved the world that He sent His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him would not perish but have eternal life." That's you, my friend. That's me too, praise God!

As "Mommies," we are called to love. Scripture tells us, "We love because He first loved us." (1 John 4:19). Let us choose love. First, to accept God's love into our hearts by surrendering to the sacrificial work of His Son. Next, to purposefully love others as Jesus commands in Mark 12:30-32...

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength"... "Love your neighbor as yourself." There is no commandment greater than these.

***

Please share what God's love means to you in the comments below. I would love to hear your testimonies of His love!

A Fellow Mommy's "Divine Calling"

2011-03-20T22:07:00.002-05:00

This past year, the Lord has brought a woman to Mommies with Hope who has come to mean so much to me and to the group. I want you all to know about Shayla who is now officially co-facilitator of the Polk City group, alongside me. For months, she has consistently reached out to women in our group and has been a tremendous blessing to me, personally, all the while traveling her own grief journey. Recently, she started a blog that I want you all to know about as she documents this next part of her journey. She and her husband are pursuing the adoption of a precious little girl in Nigeria named Divine. You can read about their "Divine Calling" on their blog by clicking here.

"I thank my God every time I remember you."

Philippians 1:3

Blessed.

2011-03-06T14:00:00.001-06:00

Today, in this season of my grief, I am blessed. Let me be the first to say that being "blessed" is not the first thing that typically comes to mind when I think of the losses I've experienced. Over time, I have been able to proclaim this truth more and more, but it has not always been this way. When I rewind five years and recall all that I was feeling in the aftermath of Chloe's terminal diagnosis at twenty weeks along, many other choice words come to mind...

Shocked.

Devastated.

Numb.

Anguish.

Tormented.

Depressed.

Angry.

Heartbroken.

Shattered.

Oh my, the list could go on and on. "Blessed" was certainly not on included! In fact, my pregnancy motto was "It's not fair!" Sometimes those were the only words I could utter. Occasionally, this little phrase may have been followed up by, "I just want her to live...that's all!" The truth is, that's where I was at the time. I was drowning in my grief. And guess what? That was okay.

Some of you may be in that very spot today. My heart hurts for you, precious friend. Tears well up as I think of you and your precious baby in heaven. I rejoice in God's mercy that welcomes that baby into His arms, yet I ache in knowing the reality of your pain. Let yourself feel all that you need to feel. Grieve deeply, as you are. Know that you are not strange or wrong for feeling the way you do. You are not alone. There are others who have traveled this road. We are here.

Galatians 6:2 commands us, "Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ." Other "Mommies" are here to carry the burden. Even more importantly, I urge you to give it to God. In Matthew 11:28-30, Jesus says, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." He wants you to lay it at His feet!

Right now, we are all at different places in our grief. I trust that God is working in and through your circumstances to bring beauty from the ashes. Our God is a God of goodness, working all things for His glory and purposes. Trust Him. He has great and precious plans for you. I, simply a humble servant of Christ, am a living, breathing testimony of His promise to work all things for good (Romans 8:28). Five years ago, my list looked just as I so plainly stated it above. Today, my list has but one word:

Blessed.

'"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."'

Jeremiah 29:11-13

A Sneak Peek...

2011-03-02T10:06:00.003-06:00

With great excitement and and admittedly anxious heart, I want to share some "news" with you, my fellow "mommies." No, it's not that kind of news. Although a dear friend did tell me just this morning that it is kinda like having a baby...

Ahem.

Anyway, the "news" is that I have officially agreed to a contract to write my first book! The book is provisionally entitled, Becoming a Mommy with Hope: Living God's Promises in the Shadow of Pregnancy and Infant Loss. The book itself is actually a bible study that weaves in teaching, women's stories, prayer, journaling/reflection, and application. Each chapter focuses on a specific promise of God, related to loss.

Here are the promises I am focusing on in the book:

The Ultimate Promise ~ Jesus

The Promise of His Abiding Love

The Promise of His Goodness

The Promise of Purpose

The Promise of His Comfort

The Promise of Refinement

The Promise of Restoration

The Promise of Hope

The Promise of Eternity

During this season of life in the shadow of my own losses, I am feeling incredibly blessed. I am seeing purpose in the pain, like our dear Sister we learned about in the previous post. I would appreciate your prayers as God continues to do a work amongst us!

Purpose in the Pain

2011-02-25T15:37:00.010-06:00

Now I want you to know, brothers and sisters, that what has happened to me has actually served to advance the gospel.

Philippians 1:12

The apostle Paul wrote these words to the Philippians from the confines of a jail cell. He was suffering for the cause of Christ and was confident that there was purpose in the pain. Like Paul, I had the privilege of hearing from a very special Mommy who shares his heart in her love for the gospel. This Mommy I speak of has suffered too. Her first baby boy went to be with Jesus 3 1/2 years ago. Just last week, she found out she was pregnant with her third child. Days later, she realized that this baby would be joining his or her big brother in heaven. She sent me a message with the news that read,

"I have very sad news - I am miscarrying our baby right now. Thank you for praying for me and our family. My only prayer is that God works a great miracle through this loss and His kingdom would be advanced."

That His Kingdom would be advanced. It's a miracle, indeed, to see how God uses circumstances to build His Kingdom. Having the perspective akin to this Mommy illuminates purpose in the pain. I spoke to her by phone today and in our discussion, she called to mind the many ways in which she's seen God work through other losses in her life and how He has faithfully done so in others' lives. His kingdom has been advanced. People have come into a saving relationship with Jesus. That is truly a miracle. There has been purpose in the pain. All for His glory...for His Kingdom.

What purpose have you found in the pain of of your own loss? Please share...

Forever and Always...

2011-02-06T20:32:00.003-06:00

Many of you may be familiar with these words from a well-known children's book...

I'll love you forever

I'll like you for always

As long as I'm living

My baby you'll be

(by Robert Munsch, Love You Forever)

I happen to own the book. I've read it many-a-times to my own children. It's a story of a mother's love for her growing son. He grows into a man and eventually the tables are turned as he rocks his aging mother repeating the words he continually heard her say, "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, As long as I'm living my Mommy you'll be."

It stings to think that we never had the chance to read this book, nor any other children's books, to our babies in heaven. It hurts to know that they will never be able to call us Mommy. It pains me even still to ponder the oh so brief lives they had. Despite the lack of time, the love runs deep. Forever and Always. The familiar words to this book, coupled with an encounter I had over the weekend truly spoke to me.

This weekend, my husband and I had the amazing blessing of being able to attend a marriage conference put on by a network of three churches, including our own. The featured speaker and his wife are celebrating 50 years of marriage together this year. Forever and Always. Together, they shared a bit of their journey with the approximately 100 couples in attendance. They talked about God's sovereign hand in their lives to bring them together as one, as well as the ministry they share as a Pastor and pastor's wife. Carol, a sweet woman with a fragile voice, but so much gusto was absolutely captivating. She was one of those people who you can just look at and see Jesus. I mean really see Him as He shines through her. She said two things that stood out to me as she gave a bit of background about her family; 1) She has 4 grandchildren and one in heaven, and 2) Her first child is in heaven. Forever and Always. She didn't forget. Neither will I. Neither will you.

Here stood a 70-year-old woman who chose to acknowledge her own baby in heaven. A baby who had gone there nearly 50 years before. Forever and Always. She stood before us with a light in her eyes and a loving glow as she also chose to share that she has a grandchild in heaven too. Forever and Always. That's what a mother's love is, no matter how brief the time she had with her child. As a Mommy to three babies in heaven, my heart can cry for them the same words I've read over and over to my living children...

I'll love you forever

I'll like you for always

As long as I'm living

My baby you'll be

Forever and Always.

The same is true for God's love. It's Forever and Always and so much more! To try to sum up the vast measure of God's love for His children is impossible for our human minds to comprehend. Yet with God's love, there too is a book that gives us a very clear picture. His Word, the Bible. From Scripture we know that God's love...

...endures forever (Psalm 136:26)

...is unfailing (Psalm 52:8)

...brings salvation for the world (John 3:16)

...cannot be taken from us who are in Christ (Romans 8:39)

...is rich in mercy (Ephesians 2:4)

...surpasses knowledge (Ephesians 3:19)

...God Himself is love (1 John 4:8)

...is full of grace, encouragement and hope (2 Thessalonians 2:16)

...is sacrificial (1 John 4:9-10)

God's love. Forever and Always and so much more amazing than we can fathom.

"See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!"

1 John 3:1

She's Still Leaving a Legacy

2011-02-01T10:18:00.005-06:00

I'm taking a break from continuing on with sharing about my journey with Hamilton's to acknowledge something that I absolutely treasure. What is this thing, you ask? Well, it's the very fact that Chloe, nearly five years since her death, is still leaving a legacy.

Today, I have the amazing privilege of speaking to a group of 48 students at Iowa State. I was invited by the instructor to come and share my story of prenatal diagnosis and loss with these students who are in an infant development and guidance class. I have actually shared my story with this particular course every semester since Spring of 2006, as I used to be the Teaching Assistant and then Instructor for the course. I'm thinking about this for the first time now, realizing that approximately 550+ students have learned about Chloe's life, death, and legacy just from this one course. That's a treasure to me!

Let me be clear here...it's not the numbers that are important to me. It's not about me coming to speak. It's not about anything I can say or do. It's not about the positive feedback I have received over the years. It's so much more!

"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasures is, there your heart will be also."

Matthew 6:19-21

To me, the real treasure lies in the fact that her life and death contribute to countless heavenly treasures, a few of which are listed below...

Her life and death have changed me.

Her life and death brought my husband into a relationship with Christ.

Her life and death have reached others for Christ.

Her life and death have allowed me to comfort others.

Her life and death have given me opportunity to share the HOPE I have.

Her life and death have provided a ministry for me to serve in.

Her life and death have shown me what it means to love.

Her life and death have revealed a glimpse of God's purpose in my life.

Her life and death have taught her brother and sister how precious life is.

Her life and death continue to amaze me as her legacy lives on.

Our babies leave us these treasures. They are gifts...left behind for us to discover, unwrap and share with those in our world. Who is in your world? Who could benefit from knowing your story? How can God use your child's life to store up treasures in heaven? For some of you, it may be a sister or a girlfriend or a neighbor. Maybe the gift is for you, first. Maybe your own child's life and death will change you in the same way it changed my husband, as he surrendered first to a relationship with Jesus. What is your child's legacy? It's there. Years later, it will remain. As a Mommy with Hope, we can carry this legacy. I can't let Chloe's life define mine, but I can share how God has used her and how He continues to do so. Precious Chloe Marie...she's still leaving a legacy.

In closing, I encourage you to ponder these lyrics from Nichole Nordeman's song, Legacy...

I want to leave a legacy

How will they remember me?

Did I choose to love?

Did I point to you enough to leave a mark on things?

I want to leave an offering

A child of mercy and grace who blessed Your Name unapologetically

I want to leave a legacy...

Lord Jesus, I want to leave a legacy. Thank you for Chloe. Thank you for Jesse and Riyah too. Thank you for using these babies' lives to store up treasures in heaven. They have a legacy lasting into eternity by the way their lives have reached others for your Kingdom. I am truly blessed to be able to share their lives with those in my world. I pray, Lord, that you would continue to use me. I pray that you would do the same for each and every mommy reading this blog. She has a story that I trust You to redeem for your honor and glory! Thank you for loving us so much that You gave Yourself! Amen.

What treasures would you like to share??

Aftermath...

2011-01-29T13:15:00.002-06:00

My wholehearted attempt to continue on with this story over a week ago has proved unsuccessful. I am, however, excited to share more with you today! :) To read the previous posts and get up to speed, click here and here.

***

What do you think of when you hear the words funeral home? If you're anything like I used to be, your mind wanders to horrendous decor, odd smells, and an eery feeling of unease. This was my perception prior to my experience with Hamilton's. I was thankful to be proved wrong. To experience a place associated with death as a place of beautiful remembrance. To see a funeral service worker in a pale yellow suit. To feel comforted.

In the days and weeks that followed Chloe's funeral, I learned that Hamilton's was much more than a funeral home. I expected that they would care for Chloe's body, do the service, and that would be that. But it didn't stop there. I learned that there was a division of the company called the Academy of Grief and Loss, which provided a whole array of aftercare services to the families they served as well as to the community. By the time summer was coming to an end, just three short months since Chloe's death, our family was blessed by the opportunity to participate in three of their aftercare services; the Coping with Grief Symposium, Little Hands children's grief program, and Children's Tribute.

Coping with Grief Symposium

Shortly after Chloe died, we were invited to attend this event by Ann, our perinatal hospice nurse. She would have a display up at this event, and so would many others in the community. I could have never imagined that just a couple short years later, I would be standing at a Mommies with Hope display at this very event. Anyway, the grief was so fresh. It was just 3 1/2 weeks after Chloe had died and Justin and I attended this event. It was fabulous. We learned about how to effectively cope with our grief. For us, I think it was just helpful to have permission to grieve and to know that we were not the only ones experiencing it. At the end of the program, we were able to honor our precious Chloe with a candlelighting. As each person passed the flame of their candle, they said the name of the person whom they were remembering aloud. I light this candle in memory of my daughter, Chloe Marie. The words still ring in my mind. I've said them many times over thees last five years.

Little Hands

Another program we learned of in the aftermath of Chloe's death is Little Hands. This is a children's grief program for young children. We wanted to do all that we could to help Gabe, then 4-years-old, understand his grief and remember his baby sister. The three-day program was like everything else we had experienced at Hamiltons ~ wonderful! Gabe, though shy, was able to be around other children who had someone special in their lives die. As a family, we were encouraged to honor and to remember. Yes, remember! I've had others question this where Gabe was concerned. Comments like, "At least he's very young and maybe he'll forget all this happened" or "Are you sure you want him to be a part of all this?" referring to memorials or services. My response? Why would I not want my son to remember his sister? Chloe is a part of our family...she always will be. We will remember her. We will honor her. In Christ, we will see her again.

Children's Tribute

Held in late summer 0f 2006, after having experienced the Coping with Grief Symposium and after Gabe having attended Little Hands in July, we were invited to a Children's Tribute at the funeral home where Chloe's services were held. This tribute was to serve the recent families who had had babies die and who had used Hamilton's Funeral Home. The garden had been dedicated a year earlier in honor of baby Alan. His mommy, Holly, was the one who had helped us with Chloe's service. This particular location houses a beautiful garden, adorned with a 'garden dancer' to represent the children who have died. Each garden dancer has the child's name etched out of it. I know my words do not do justice to explaining this wonderful event, or the beautiful garden dancers, so be sure to click on the link above to see and read more about it. Here is a picture of Gabe in the garden next to Chloe's garden dancer...

An interesting thing happened at the Children's Tribute. Funny, really. We had experienced a beautiful afternoon of remembrance, enjoyed the best butterfly sugar cookies you could imagine, and were blessed by the gift of Chloe's garden dancer to bring home. All of that was wonderful. But another thing happened...something I'll never forget. After the program and while spending some time outside in the garden, I struck up a conversation with Trudy. I had seen Trudy a couple of times by now through all the events we had gone to at Hamilton's. Trudy helped lead the symposium and was one of the helpers at the Little Hands program. Trudy was the Director of Hamilton's Academy of Grief and Loss. I was so impressed by the Academy's services and so blessed to be a recipient, that I had to know more, so I kept asking questions. I remember asking something about employment in the Academy and Trudy informed me that she had a part-time Coordinator, but that the position was vacant and would need to be filled in the near future. Without hesitation, I boldly stated, "Hire me!" While I wasn't hired right away, I did find myself employed as the Academy Coordinator 6 months later!

***

More to come in the days ahead...stay tuned!

The Baby Section...the story continues

2011-01-19T14:57:00.004-06:00

If you are just popping in, welcome! Today, I am picking up where I left off yesterday. I am sharing the story of how God has made beauty out of ashes as I reminisce on my first interactions with Hamilton's Funeral Home, now my place of employment. Read on...

***

We slowly walked out the doors of the funeral home on that cold and windy May day. It was unseasonably cold and windy, complementing the storm I felt raging in my heart. My son, then 4 years old, was dressed in a black suit, just like his daddy. Daddy's tie was pink...for Chloe. The three of us filed into the very back of the limousine as Chloe's uncles carefully placed her 3-foot pink casket on the seat in front of us. As we drove to the cemetery, I was numb. I don't recall talking. I can't remember crying. I just remember feeling empty. I was going through the motions of everything that needed to be done that day. Have you been there?

Soon, we turned into the cemetery following the curve around a large duck pond, continuing on the winding road to the far end of the cemetery. We passed hundreds of graves. Some old, some new. Many were embellished with Mother's Day memorabilia and others were seemingly unkempt. Heading back to the "baby section" I braced myself as I saw the blue tent in the distance, knowing that this was where we were headed. This was where Chloe would be buried. This was where we would say goodbye.

When we arrived we walked behind Chloe's casket, carried again by her uncles, and step by step we came closer to the unearthed section of land where she would be laid to rest. With heads bowed low, my husband and I walked hand-in-hand, dreading what was to come. I just wanted it to be over. We sat front and center and in all honesty, the rest is a blur.

The baby section, though oh so very ugly that day, truly is a beautiful place. We had no idea that such an area existed, but Holly and Margo informed us of this when we prearranged, just one week prior. In fact, we had even gone out to the cemetery to see the baby section, just days before Chloe's birth and death. This section, in particular, is quite precious. The entire area is aligned with miniature lilac bushes and a paved path leads straight through the middle of the area, nearly right up to Chloe's grave. Just behind her grave is a full-grown shade tree, which we have had our share of picnics under. In time, after that cold and windy May day, we have made memories and experienced treasured family time visiting her grave. We have laughed and we have cried. We've sat in silence and prayed aloud. We have cleaned it up and adorned it with child-like decor. For quite a time, it became a ritual to take bubbles to the cemetery, where Gabe would blow bubbles for his baby sister. We were also sure to bring stale bread to feed the ducks and geese on our way out. And what a comfort it has been for me to know that the final resting place of her body is amongst others like her, who have gone much too soon. I believe with all my heart that she, the person of who she is [because she most certainly was a person!] is with Jesus. Yet, what a gift to have a place to go, to remember, and to honor her life.

Justin and Gabe blowing bubbles at the cemetery near Chloe's grave. See the miniature lilac bushes in the background? :)

At the duck pond at the cemetery. We have had many experiences with the ducks and geese here, sometimes resulting in a quick getaway to the car once we've run out of bread!

***

Tomorrow, more on the amazing aftercare experiences I had with Hamilton's and my bold plea for employment! :)

Been a While...Update and Reminiscing

2011-01-18T14:00:00.000-06:00

If your New Year is anything like mine, then you have hit the ground running! While not my typical blog post, I want to share a little bit with you about what I've been doing and then tie it back to why I feel this is pertinent to this blog. And just in case you were curious....my New Year's resolution was not to quit writing. Read on, and hopefully you'll have it in your heart to forgive me for my writing hiatus!

***

In recent years, I finished up my graduate studies while simultaneously discovering my love for teaching. I had many great opportunities to teach at the University-level, as well as at a nearby community college. I developed wonderful connections with my students over the years and am extremely blessed by those experiences. Along the way, I experienced the death of my daughter, Chloe (May, 2006) and then had two miscarriages in 2009. Chloe's life and death truly influenced my chosen career path as I realized my passion for helping others who were grieving.

After much debate about "what's next," having finished graduate school in May, I decided to leave teaching and begin my career with Hamilton's Academy of Grief and Loss. In fact, I had worked there before for a time, assisting the director with the many grief-related events and services offered to the community. I absolutely loved it! However, I was trying to finish school and was pregnant with a healthy baby, so something had to give. Now, a few short years later, I have found myself back at Hamilton's as I train to become the next Director of the Academy. I tell you all this because there really is a great story behind it that not everyone is aware of. The story, I feel, is truly a message of God's redeeming work in our lives...

The story begins nearly five years ago. I would have been pregnant with Chloe at this time, expecting the birth of a healthy baby. In February of 2006, we received news that she would not live long after birth, if she made it to birth, due to a chromosomal abnormality and accompanying brain condition. Choosing to continue the pregnancy for as long as possible, and desiring to plan her funeral ahead of time, we were put in touch with Hamilton's Funeral Home, which came highly recommended. On May 8th, 2006, we met with two of the most caring women, Margo and Holly, to prearrange Chloe's funeral. Since that time, Holly has become a dear friend. We connected right away because sadly, she too knows the pain of having to bury a child. Her son, Alan, died at 5 1/2 months old after his second heart surgery. Friday was the anniversary date of his death. I never got to know this lil' guy, but he is so special to me for a number of reasons.

Just three short days after first meeting with Hamilton's, Chloe was born into this world. Much too quickly, she went to be with Jesus. We were blessed to have been able to make her arrangements ahead of time. We were blessed even more in the days that followed. Chloe died on a Thursday. We decided to have her visitation on a Sunday evening with the funeral on Monday morning. After the plans were set, we realized that Sunday was, in fact, Mother's Day. It seems sad to think about, and sometimes it is, but at the same time I am so thankful that I got to spend time holding Chloe in my arms on the one Mother's Day I had with her. What a treasured gift.

The funeral was surreal. We had an open casket and Chloe rested in the cuddliest blankies we could find, clothed in a pretty pink dress and her special bonnet. She was buried with a few small items, including a small pink New Testament bible, a doll, and a special necklace around her neck. The necklace was a gold chain with a heart charm that had the word "me" engraved on it. This small heart was a breakaway piece from a larger heart, which I wear around my neck, engraved with the word, "mommy." I love that we share this. Another thing I remember about the funeral is that Holly wore a pale yellow suit. I know that may seem like an odd thing to remember, but it really stood out to me. It was comforting. It was a small ray of sunshine on a very dark day. I will never forget that.

Before I knew it, the service was over and people were proceeding out to the beautiful words of Michael W. Smith's "This Was Her Time." I remember crying so loudly when the time came for my brother and brother-in-law to carry their baby niece, my precious Chloe Marie, out to the waiting limousine. This was it. We were leaving this place to go and bury our child.

***

The story doesn't end here...stay tuned in the days ahead as I share more on the redeeming work of God in and through this situation. He has truly blessed, even in this.

A New Year...A New Creation

2011-01-03T10:30:00.001-06:00

This week, we are focusing on some biblical truths and practical tactics for ringing in the New year. A previous post provided insight to the first truth shared and gave us some questions to ponder and tactics to employ as we face the New Year.

The next biblical truth and practical tactic deal with being made "new" in Christ. It is my prayer that He continues to make me over, according to His likeness, and that He do the same for you in 2011.

Biblical Truth

"Anyone who is in Christ is a new creation; the old has gone the new has come."

2 Corinthians 5:17

Based on this verse, and the overall message from Scripture, to be "new" you must be "in Christ." In Christ. What does this even mean? Plainly stated, it means having a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. We will get to more of what this means in the practical tactic below. But the biblical truth that we are equipped with today reminds us that "anyone who is in Christ is a new creation." The word "anyone" implies that anyone can be "in Christ," meaning that the ability to have a personal relationship with Jesus is available to all. Not those who clean their act up first. Not those who strive to earn favor from God. Not those who go to church every week. Not those who appear to have it all together. Anyone. By being in Christ, one is a "new creation." God changes that person from the inside out. They are no longer enemies of the Father, but adopted as children of God through the precious blood of Jesus.

So, what does this all mean? How can I have a personal relationship with Jesus? These questions bring me to explain further in our practical tactic...

Practical Tactic

To be in Christ, one must first see themselves as a sinner. Romans 3:23 says, "For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." Keyword here is "all." Just as anyone can be in Christ, as mentioned above, it is important to acknowledge that "all" are sinners. All. Each and every one of us. Because God is just, there is a price on sin. Romans 6:23 says, "For the wages of sin is death." That's a heavy piece of truth to swallow on a Monday morning, don't you think? The good news is that there is hope. God, in His perfect love, made a way to save us from our sins. He knew that we could not be perfect or sinless, and therefore were far from His holiness. That is why He sent His Son, Jesus! We just celebrated Christmas, the remembrance of Christ's earthly birth. What we often fail to remember is the reason He came. He came to live a perfect life and pay the penalty for our sins on the cross! That's the good news. He is the only one who can save us from our sins. Only Jesus. How can we be saved? Like I said, it's not about religion or church or good works. It's about being in Christ. To be in Christ, we must accept the truths already provided. Here are our practical tactics related to these amazing truths...

1) Acknowledge ourselves as sinners

2) Admit our need for a Savior

3) Confess and Believe

4) Accept Jesus as Lord

I leave you with two more verses from Romans that succinctly sum up all three of these tactics. The following truths give us the "how to" answer you may be looking for...

"That if you confess with your mouth Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved."

Romans 10:9-10

AND

"For everyone who calls upon the name of the Lord will be saved."

Romans 10:13

Acknowledge. Confess. Believe. Be Saved. Be Made New in Christ!

***

If you have trusted Christ as your Savior, we would love to hear about it in the comments. If you have not yet made this decision, be reminded that we are told in 2 Corinthians that "now is the time, now is the day of salvation." It will be the best decision you ever made!

Please share!!

My New Year Prayer

2011-01-01T12:17:00.002-06:00

Dear Lord,

With each year that passes, I see more and more of You. Thank You for revealing Yourself to me, a lowly sinner. Thank You even more for saving me and preparing a place for me in Your Heavenly Kingdom. Thank You for the blessing of each and every one of my children, both in heaven and on earth. God, you are so loving and so merciful. I pray Your richest blessing on each and every woman who reads this blog. There are many heartaches and hurts, Lord. Many women approach the new year with questions and burdens that are seemingly too great to bear. I pray, Lord, that You would help each one of us to rely on Your strength, and not our own. Your Word tells us, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." I believe this with my entire being and I pray that You, the God of all comfort, would empower each hurting woman to turn to You in their darkest hour. I pray that if there is any woman reading this blog that does not know Jesus as her personal Savior, that you would bring her to a point of godly sorrow and repentance that leads to salvation in Him alone. I thank You, Jesus, for making me a new creation in You (2 Corinthians 5:17). Lord, may the lives and legacies of my babies in heaven serve to bring souls to You. Thank You for giving me this story and enabling me to serve You for your glory and praise. I love You, God. May 2011 be a year that many are beckoned to the foot of the cross in surrender to Your Son, and Lord use me as You see fit.

In Jesus' Saving Name I pray...Amen.

Prayer for a New Year

2010-12-31T15:48:00.002-06:00

The daily devotion running on Proverbs 31 Ministries' website was too good not to share with all my fellow Mommies. As we embark on a New Year, I challenge you to examine your heart and write your own prayer, as described in the devotion. Check it out by clicking on the icon below and be blessed!

More biblical truth and practical tactics are in store for tomorrow, so stay tuned!

Another Year...

2010-12-30T07:30:00.000-06:00

If you've known me for a while, then you probably know that I've often remarked about how New Year's tends to be a difficult time of the year for me, personally. In fact, I recall the first year of holidays after Chloe's birth and death and was shocked by the impact of New Year's. After all, it's a time for new beginnings and resolutions. For a grieving mommy, however, it can be a reminder that time and people are moving on, yet she continues to long for her baby.

This year marks the fifth New Year since Chloe's birth and death. The first two years were the most difficult, with the second year being the worst. Last year wasn't the greatest either, in light of my miscarriages of Jesse and Riyah in 2009. Yet, with each passing year, I am able to sense God's peace and purpose through each of my babies' lives. Several months ago, a dear and precious friend gently reminded me that on earth, it would literally be impossible to have all of my children since some of the pregnancies overlapped. However, I can rest in the knowledge that God, who is rich in mercy, has welcomed each one of my babies into His Kingdom already! Because my husband and I know Christ as our Savior, we have full assurance in reuniting with each of them when He calls us home. Lord willing, our two living children will come to know Jesus at the earliest possible age, and they too will be with us all for eternity! What a family reunion that will be!

Especially in difficult times, I believe it is important to have an eternal perspective. That being said, it can be tough when the grief is so raw and the pain is so real. So if you're like me, you may just be wondering HOW to face the day. With the New Year upon us, I want to focus the next few posts on truths from God's Word as well as ways in which we can practically live out such truths. So, today, and throughout the next week, each post will present a biblical truth and a corresponding practical tactic for living it out. The purpose is to comfort and equip us with God's Word, while also challenging us to do something with meaning as we usher in the New Year.

Without further ado, let's begin...

Biblical Truth

"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail; they are new each morning. Great is your faithfulness."

Lamentations 3:23-23

I love these verses! At times, grief may seem to be all-consuming. God's love is greater. Because of such great love, we are not consumed! He has compassion for each one of us, whom He loves. Other translations use the word "mercies" in place of compassions...each of which are new each morning. Every day when we wake up, the Lord is near. He loves us. He never fails us. He is faithful. He wants to bless us each and every day with His mercies. Though we know this to be true from Scripture, it can be hard to feel this way. That's why it's important to rely on what is true, rather than our feelings. The next verse in this passage goes on to say, "The Lord is my portion." Here are some questions to ponder in light of this verse...Is He your portion each and every day? Do you rise each morning with the knowledge of God's love and compassion for you? Is He enough? The biblical truth shared above may seem to be "good for the moment" but how can I live like I know it to be true? How can I live victoriously, proclaiming "The Lord is my portion?" What does that even look like?

Practical Tactic

There are many ways that the questions posed above can be answered. In fact, the answer may be different for each one of us. I'm not here to offer a one-size-fits-all approach to living out God's truths in difficult times. I will, however, offer some practical tactics that everyone is able to try. I would love to hear additional ideas from you, my fellow mommies! Here are just a few of my thoughts...

1) Purpose to wake up 15 minutes earlier than usual each day. Begin your day in prayer, pouring your heart out to God. Remember, He has compassion for you!

2) Saturate yourself in God's Word. When we feel consumed by our grief, His Word is our ammunition and gives us the ability to "take captive every thought, making it obedient to Christ" (2 Corinthians 10:5). We can combat irrational thinking with God's Truth!

3) List the ways in which God has shown His love to you. Read over and reflect on this list and thank God in prayer.

4) Thank God for the blessings in your life. Purpose to find something to be thankful for. Ask God to be your portion for the day...the hour...the moment. He is faithful!

***

I'd love to hear your thoughts...feel free to post in the comments!

And the Winner is...

2010-12-28T21:06:00.008-06:00

For those of you who have been following along these last couple of weeks, we have been spending our time counting down to Christmas (which I hope was blessed for each of you!), all the while honoring our precious babies by unwrapping the "gifts" that they have left us! It has been a bittersweet time for me, personally. It is always a treasure to think about the impact of each of my babies in heaven.

Without further ado, I am super excited to share the "special gift" I've been talking about for the last two weeks! It is a beautiful, hand-made piece of jewelry, made by Lisa Leonard! I have LOVED her jewelry every since I first came across it and just had to bless someone with her amazing work. So, one of you (I promise I'll cut to the chase soon!) is receiving this necklace, which is called "marked by love" necklace, pictured below!

Yay!! The winner is: java diva! Email me at teske@mommieswithhope.com, girlfriend! You are the lucky winner of this beautiful necklace, which will be complete with personalization on the back (a name, date, initials...whatever you want!)!

And finally, you have to read the story behind this necklace, referred to as "audrey's necklace"...it's just precious, and one that many of you may be familiar with...

"some lives, though short, profoundly change the world and leave a mark on our hearts. for moms who have lost a child, their hearts are forever marked by love. this beautiful necklace was created in collaboration with angie smith {bring the rain} who lost her baby girl, audrey caroline.

a 1" hand-cast sterling pendant is hand-stamped with love on the front. customize the back with a name, date or short phrase. a beautiful reminder of life and love."

To visit Lisa Leonard's site, click here. To read Angie Smith's blog, click here!

Be blessed!

12 Days...Many Gifts

2010-12-26T23:04:00.005-06:00

I pray you each had a wonderful, hope-filled Christmas! I enjoyed a day with family. Today, I was happy to just relax. This Christmas Countdown has admittedly been quite a challenge!

In awe at the wonder of the season, I sing...

On the twelfth day of Christmas my babies left for me...

Twelve precious cousins

Eleven, Ten, Nine = Three days closer to eternity

Eight comforting song lyrics

Seven stockings hanging

Six words from Scripture

Fiiiiive precious children

Four changed lives

Three burning candles

Two tiny foot prints

And a super snuggly, striped blankie!

Twelve precious cousins...

When I was pregnant with Chloe, I remember being so excited by the fact that she would have two cousins about her same age. Turns out, both of those babies were little girls too and I now have two precious 5-year-old nieces. The family has continued to grow since then, and to date, Chloe has twelve cousins ranging in age from newborn to almost 16! One of her cousins is already in heaven with her and that is such a precious thought to me. Matthew went to be with Jesus just over a year before Chloe did. While we don't get together as an extended family as often as we'd like, it is always hard to see my young nieces playing together when we do. It always hits me that Chloe is missing. She should be with them, but instead, she's gone. She's gone. As quickly as I let those two words flow from my fingertips, I must stand corrected. She's not gone. She's with her baby siblings and her cousin. She's with Jesus. She's home.

***

Thanks to each one of you who have shared your "gifts!" I have truly been blessed by reading each and every one of your comments. Continue to share and be entered into the drawing for a special gift. The gift and the winner will be announced on Tuesday, so stay tuned!

Nine, Ten, and Eleven

2010-12-24T20:23:00.007-06:00

First thing's first...it's no surprise to any of you that I've slacked on our Christmas countdown these last three days. It was intended to be a daily occurrence! I'm sorry. I could tell you it's because of the busyness of these last few days ~ the baking, the cooking, the entertaining, etc. I could tell you that it's because of the horrible cold I've had. I could probably think of many different excuses.

The reality is that these last few days have been really difficult as Christmas draws near. So, I think I told myself that I was too busy, had too much baking to do, too many meals to prepare and my out-of-town father to entertain. I told myself that I didn't feel well enough to write or think about the "gifts" of my babies for that particular day. One day led into another and then another. Now, here I sit fresh off of a Christmas eve meltdown, pouring out the reality of what a grieving mommy really looks like during the holidays. Unlike the chocolate caramel Rolo cookies I just pulled out of the oven, there is no sugar-coating my grief.

It has been a blessing to me to think about the "gifts" that my babies have left for me this past week and half or so. I have also been blessed by the many "gifts" that you, my fellow mommies, have shared in the comments. Keep them coming! As I have contemplated over these gifts and tried to think of something clever to fit perfectly into days 9, 10, and 11 for our countdown, my heart feels compelled to step outside my perfectionist box, and share the following thoughts about days 9, 10, and 11 altogether...

So, with hope (and a little bit off beat) I continue singing my countdown...

On the ninth, tenth, and eleventh days of Christmas my babies left for me...

Three days closer to eternity...

Eight comforting song lyrics

Seven stockings hanging

Six words from Scripture

Fiiiiive precious children

Four changed lives

Three burning candles

Two tiny foot prints

And a super snuggly, striped blankie!

Three days closer to eternity...

That's right...I totally just merged three days into one. I'm crazy like that. But on a more serious note...tonight, on the even of Christmas, there is a deep longing in my heart for each one of my babies. I admit, I've been in a "funk" the last few days. I knew it was grief, but have denied it in numerous ways. One of which included avoiding my blog writing. As I've thought more and more about the gifts each of my babies have left behind, which truly are many, I decided to lump days nine, ten, and eleven together because the mere sequence of these days brought me great comfort. How so, you may wonder? Simply stated, with each day that passes, I am one day closer to seeing my Savior face-to-face. That is truly a gift. The journey, though hard, brings me closer spiritually to my Jesus on this side of heaven and gives me cause for hope in eternity. And isn't that what Christmas is all about...Hope.

Eighth Day of Christmas...

2010-12-21T11:42:00.000-06:00

Thanks for hanging in here with me as we continue on with our Christmas countdown and givewaway! Click here to go back to day 1 and don't forget to comment with your own "gifts" left behind to be entered into a drawing for a special gift.

With joy (and a scratchy throat!) I sing...

On the eighth day of Christmas, my babies left for me...

Eight comforting song lyrics

Seven stockings hanging

Six words from Scripture

Fiiiiive precious children

Four changed lives

Three

Two tiny foot prints

And a super snuggly, striped blankie!

Eight comforting song lyrics...

One of the songs that has ministered to my heart in tremendous ways since the beginning of this journey is Natalie Grant's song, Held. The eight words I speak of are: This is what it means to be held... The song is all about God's comfort and love in the aftermath of loss. The song specifically speaks to a mommy's heart who is grieving the loss of her baby. My feeble attempt to describe the beauty and meaning of this song pale in comparison to hearing it for yourself. So enjoy, mommies. God loves you and is holding you now.

Seven Stockings Hanging

2010-12-20T08:23:00.004-06:00

I can't believe Christmas is only five days away. If you are like me, you probably have last minute shopping to do, plans to coordinate, and gifts to wrap. Looking ahead at my week, it is sure to be busy. Let us not, however, lose sight of the real reason for Christmas; the birth of our Savior, Jesus!

We continue to honor and remember our precious babies and the gifts that they have left behind, this Christmas season. Click here to go back to the beginning of the countdown. Feel free to join in!

With a joyful heart, I sing...

On the seventh day of Christmas my babies left for me...

Seven stockings hanging

Six words from Scripture

Fiiiiive precious children

Four changed lives

Three burning candles

Two tiny foot prints

And a super snuggly, striped blankie!

Seven stockings hanging...

In our home, we proudly display seven stockings, one for each member of our immediate family. This year, we have been writing down the "gifts" that our babies in heaven have left us and we are putting those small slips of paper into his or her stocking. On Christmas, we will share with one another by reading aloud each of the "gifts" from the stockings.

On the Sixth Day of Christmas...

2010-12-19T12:00:00.000-06:00

We are halfway through our Christmas Countdown! Click here to start at the beginning and join in!

On the sixth day of Christmas, my babies left for me...

Six words from Scripture

Fiiiiiive precious children

Four changed lives

Three burning candles

Two tiny foot prints

And a super snuggly, striped blankie!

Six words from Scripture...

The six words I speak of are probably the most well-known words from the bible. They come from the gospel of John Chapter 3, verse 16, which starts by saying "For God so loved the world..." The verse goes on to say "that He gave His One and Only Son, that whosoever believes in Him would not perish, but have everlasting life." During my pregnancy with Chloe in 2006, I began to really dig in to God's Word. I have been comforted so much through reading His Word and through learning of His love for me. This verse, in particular shows His love for each and every one of us. A love so strong that He gave His Son, Jesus, for each and every one of us. Thank you for sending Your Son!

***

Don't forget to share your "gift" in the comments. Each comment is entered into a drawing for a special prize at the end of the countdown.

Fiiiive Precious Children!

2010-12-18T17:58:00.003-06:00

I have to admit...I struggled with thinking of something clever for the fifth day of this countdown (click here to go back to the beginning). As the day has gone by, I now sit down to write this post, reluctantly, and I'm not sure why. Maybe I'm just trying to avoid the topic today, or maybe it's because I'm feeling a bit under the weather. I honestly don't know. What I do know is that the number 5 represents the total number of children I have been blessed with, and for that, I am so very thankful and feel led to share more about that today.

With a thankful heart, I sing...

On the fifth day of Christmas, my babies gave to me...

Fiiiiiive precious children

Four changed lives

Three burning candles

Two tiny foot prints

And a super snuggly, striped blankie!

Five Precious Children...

We've all gotten the questions, "Do you have children?" or "How many children do you have?" To all of us, these innocent questions can sting at times. I imagine these questions may be especially painful for those who do not have any living children as of yet. By all outward appearances, we are a typical family of four, comprised of my husband and I and our two living children, a boy and a girl, ages 8 and 2 [nevermind the age gap]. What people fail to see is that we truly have been blessed with five, yes five, precious children. Three of them, however, are already home in heaven.

The reason I chose, after much debate, to share this as my day 5 "gift" for the countdown is because I felt the need to truly acknowledge my children, all of them. So often, we go about our lives as though they never existed, putting on a facade to the world, conforming to their expectations of us to "move on" or "try again," minimizing the significance of these little ones' lives. Today, I choose to share. I choose to proudly proclaim that I am a mother to five precious children; Gabriel, Chloe, Aiyana, Jesse, and Riyah and I love each one of them.

"For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well."

Psalm 139:13-14

***

What's your Day 5 "Gift?"

Remember, all commenters are entered into a drawing

for a special gift at the end off the countdown!

Counting Down...Four Changed Lives

2010-12-17T09:35:00.004-06:00

Join in with us as we find meaning this Christmas season. Click here to go back to the beginning of our countdown and to learn more about how you can honor your baby while also get in on a special giveaway!

Making a joyful noise today as we continue to count down, I sing...

On the fourth day of Christmas, my babies gave to me...

Four changed Lives

Three burning candles

Two tiny foot prints

And a super snuggly, striped blankie!

Four changed Lives...

Loss changes everything. Once we've experienced loss, we see the world differently. The four changed lives I speak of in this post are that of my husband, my two living children, and myself. At the time of Chloe's death, it was just my husband, our son (then 4 years old), and I. Chloe taught us so much. It was her life [and death] that led me to recommit my life to Christ and led my husband to surrender his heart to Jesus for the very first time! These changes in our lives had a direct effect on our son, whom since that time we've strived to raise in a godly, biblical home. I'll never forget the innocence of his words when I "quizzed" him on the three persons of the trinity and he proudly stated, "the Father....Jesus....and the Holy..., Holy Moly??" We've come a long way! Then, our daughter, born two years after Chloe died. She will be raised in a home where Jesus is present and lifted high. She never knew Chloe, nor will she remember the miscarriages that occurred during her toddler years, but these babies' presence in our family will teach both of our children just how precious life is. I am a proud mamma to think at how God has used these tiny babies lives to produce change in our hearts. I can't help but trust that others' lives have been impacted for the Kingdom as well!

"Anyone who is in Christ is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come."

2 Corinthians 5:17

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Don't forget to share your "gift" in the comments!

Ten Days...Three Candles

2010-12-16T14:44:00.002-06:00

Ten days left till Christmas. With each passing day, my heart grows heavy. I know that many of you are really having a difficult time with the holidays. For some of you, this is the "first" and the emptiness you feel has come as a shock. For others of you, it's a reminder of what might have been. I pray that we can each make it a season of hope. That is, after all, what Christmas is all about ~ baby Jesus, who is the giver of all hope!

If you're just joining us, click here to get caught up on our 12 Days of Christmas Countdown and please join in! Together, we are unwrapping the "gifts" that our babies have left behind as we purpose to honor them this Christmas.

With a hopeful heart, I sing...

On the third day of Christmas my babies left for me...

Three burning candles

Two tiny foot prints

And a super snuggly, striped blankie!

Three burning candles...

This year, as in years past, we have three burning candles aglow in our front window. They are battery-operated candles that are placed strategically in the center pane of each of the three windows at the front of our house. From the street, our Christmas tree serves as the center backdrop to the single flames. We started this tradition in 2006 after Chloe died. For three years, we lit a single candle in our window. Last year, after having miscarried Jesse and Riyah, the single candle was accompanied by two more. While it saddens me to see all three aglow, the flame that shines is so symbolic. To me, it means that their legacies live on in and through me. That they are alive in Christ, because of His great love and mercy. That they are with Him in heaven, where there is no sorrow or pain. That I will see them again in eternity. I am so thankful.

***

What about you? Share your "gift!" Remember, for each comment posted during the countdown, your name will be entered into a drawing to win a special gift!

Counting Down...11 Days

2010-12-15T09:37:00.006-06:00

If you missed yesterday's post, click here. We are doing a 12 Days of Christmas Countdown to the tune of an old familiar carol. Each day, we are acknowledging the "gifts" that our babies have left behind. For each comment that is left throughout the countdown, your name will be entered into a drawing to win a special gift!

So, with 11 days left I joyfully sing...

On the second day of Christmas, my baby left for me...

Two tiny foot prints

And a super snuggly, striped blankie!

Two tiny foot prints...

These tiny feet you see here are Chloe's. She was born at 32 weeks along and weighed 3 lbs, 6 oz. She had her mommy's toes. Looking at them puts it into perspective for me over and over again. How precious life is. The miracle of God's creation. We are fortunate to have these prints on paper, but more importantly, these tiny feet have left an imprint on our hearts. We are so thankful.

Don't forget to leave your "gift" in the comments below!

12 Days of Christmas Countdown...

2010-12-14T06:00:00.002-06:00

Counting today, Christmas is 12 days away. Before you begin to panic about all the things on your to-do list, hang in here with me for a moment as I share the plans for our 12-day Christmas Countdown right here on the blog! And by the way...all who participate in our countdown over the next twelve days will be eligible to win a special gift!

I realize that many of us absolutely dread the holidays. For some, it's a reminder of the emptiness we feel as yet another year goes by. For others, it's the dreary weather that exacerbates our already aching hearts. And for others still, it can be a time of facing the growing families around us, only to be reminded of the longing in one's own heart. Churches are filled with children's Christmas programs and little ones in their Sunday's best and the wonder of Christmas fills their beaming eyes. The bottom line is that Christmas, just like many other special days, can be tough. Given that, let's purpose to do something this year. Let's choose to celebrate. Yes, we have a choice! So let us choose, for the next twelve days, to unwrap the gifts left behind by each of our precious babies lives. These "gifts" can be tangible things (such as an ultrasound picture or a special memento or blankie) or non-tangible (such as a life/spiritual lesson).

You all know that the greatest gifts must be shared! So, just as I will share the "gifts" left behind by my babies, I look forward to unwrapping the gifts of your own children as you leave your comments in the blog. I truly believe that in sharing, we will all be blessed. So won't you join in? (Say yes! Say yes! Say yes!)

We are going to do this to the tune of the song you are all familiar with, just to make it fun and interesting. If you would like, feel free to write some additional thoughts about your "gift" after you've shared it with us. I will joyfully kick things off...

On the first day of Christmas, my baby left for me...

A super snuggly striped blankie!

This particular blankie that I speak of has caught many a tears and has warmed my body and my heart on the coldest days of my grief. With admitted reluctance, I began to let my two-and-a-half-year-old daughter sleep with her big sister's blankie this past year and couldn't be more pleased with the decision. It is a sweet and treasured blessing to hear her say with excitement, "my Chloe" when she snuggles up to this special blankie!

***

Your turn, ladies! Share your "gifts" in the comments...

And then we were done...

2010-12-13T10:15:00.003-06:00

If you have been following this blog for the past few months, you know that we have been working through Becky Avella's book, And Then You Were Gone: Restoring a Broken Heart After Pregnancy Loss. Well...we have officially finished the book in our face-to-face study, and this post is the final post related to the book's final chapter titled "Now What? Facing the Future."

Before I move into the meat of this post as it relates to the book, I have to encourage each and every one of you to get Becky's book! If you have been impacted by pregnancy or infant loss, you will certainly be blessed by reading it. She very eloquently weaves in her own story while keeping the reader focused on sound, biblical truth. Also, if you have read her book, please log on to Amazon.com and write a review! This would be a wonderful blessing to her and I know she will treasure your words.

***

Now what? Some of you may be struggling with a lack of explanation for your loss(es). Others of you may have information to move forward and have decisions to make about the future of your families. Still, others of you may have experienced yet another loss and are beginning to wonder whether you will be blessed with children to care for on this earth. We are all in different places and that's okay. Not any one of us has the exact same path laid out before us. We are unique. God, in His Sovereignty, has masterfully laid out each and every piece of our life's puzzle. As time goes by, He pieces each part together to make us complete. When we try to piece things together ourselves, parts become jumbled and the fit is not right. We have to get to a place where we let Him do the work.

In this chapter, Becky reminds us to "just do the next thing." I love this. It seems so simple and so basic, yet we muddy things up by always getting out ahead of ourselves to see the finished picture. She states, "Instead of being terrified by a future that is too overwhelming, just do the next thing that needs doing. Don't face the entirety of your future. Face today. Face this moment. In reality, it is all we really have" (p. 88). Also in this section of her chapter, Becky provides some great questions to ask yourself, such as...

Who does God want me to be today and what does He want me to do about it?

How will I live the life I am given today?

Additional questions that we came up with as a group to help us in this "face today" philosophy include...

What do I have to be thankful for today?

How can I bless someone else today?

How can I serve God today?

I believe the answer to any and all of these questions posed above lies in the truth of Matthew 6:33-34, which states...

"But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. therefore do no worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

Seeking Him, my Jesus, and His kingdom is my first priority. I can trust Him to work out all the other details. I can rest in knowing that He has it all under control. I don't need to look so far ahead because my Savior already knows and His plans are for good (Romans 8:28). This very notion reminds me of an old gospel song that my mom shared with me in recent months. You see, my maternal grandma went to be with Jesus in June of this past year. Mom told me that she always used to sing "One Day at a Time." The lyrics of the chorus are as follows:

One day at a time, sweet Jesus

That's all I'm asking from you.

Just give me the strength

To do everyday what I have to do.

Yesterday's gone, sweet Jesus

And tomorrow may never be mine.

Lord help me today, show me the way

One day at a time.

With that, I want to conclude this post with some final words from Becky. She urges us to trust God in writing our story and to get to a place where we can say, "My Jesus is enough." Of God's character, she writes: "He is out to love us, mold us, shape us, draw us to Himself and ultimately work out what is best for us individually and for the Kingdom as a whole." He truly is, ladies! He wants to bring us to His Son. He longs for a personal relationship with us through the sacrifice Christ. Can you honestly say, "My Jesus is enough?" Is He?

***

More on this tomorrow, along with a special countdown to Christmas. Stay tuned and be blessed! For now, I would love to hear how you are "just doing the next thing." Share your wisdom in the comments!

Words from a Mommy's Heart...

2010-12-07T14:53:00.005-06:00

This past Sunday, a special memorial service was held for a precious baby girl named Lulu. While I have not had the privilege of meeting Lulu's mommy face-to-face, the bonds of our grieving hearts have brought us together online. With Kimberlee's permission, this post is dedicated in honor and memory of her daughter Lulu, who went to be with Jesus on October 4th of this year. In an email, Kimberlee explained to me that she wrestled with whether or not to share at the memorial service. However, she felt that God gave her this story for a purpose. Even through such a trial as this, she has seen and felt His unwavering love. This love is a message she could not stuff away. She is a true example faith as she praises Him, even now in the midst of her grief. In her email, she writes the following as she refers to Lulu's life and death...

"...this is what I know deep down. He is awesome, He is faithful, His love cannot be put into words, but that is the closest I can come. And I am so grateful that His love finally surpassed my knowledge."

And now, the words from our fellow "Mommy," which she shared at Lulu's memorial service...

I was raised in the church, so I have always heard about God’s love, “God loves you, Jesus loves you, if you were the only person on earth Jesus still would have died for you.” There have been many ways even throughout the pregnancy that He has shown me He loves me. After we lost lulu, the first scripture the Holy Spirit gave me about His love was Eph 3:17-19 “And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses all knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.” I love how God works, because in March, when we had gotten lulu’s diagnosis, the first scripture He gave me was the following verses in Eph 3:20-21!

So a couple weeks ago I was hit with sadness, feeling sad that lulu had not been healed, longing to have my baby here with us. Reminding myself God loves me, I read 1 John 3:1 that says “How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!” The word “children” got my attention and I thought about my own love for my children, living and dead. And then I thought how I am a child of God, He loves me so much He calls me child. What a beautiful word! What a loving Father! What an honor to be His child! It took losing lulu to really get His love for me, how deep and wide and long and high His love for me feels. What should have taken becoming a parent to get, took losing a child. Only God knew what it would take to get through to me and I am so grateful for His love!

Naturally, I still long for lulu. It makes me think of how God must long for His children that have not chosen Him. Rom 5:8 “But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” God’s plan to have all His children be able to spend eternity with Him included that His perfect only Son, Jesus, was sacrificed for all our sins. He has already chosen us! We just have to choose Him. What a loss, what a sacrifice, but what a greater gain for us all. We love you God because you first loved us.

***

If you have any words of encouragement for Kimberlee or would like to share how this post blessed you, please leave them in the comments below. I am sure she will cherish knowing how precious Lulu's story has blessed you today.

In the Word Wednesday (Ch 9) - Where Your Treasure Is

2010-12-01T17:50:00.000-06:00

For where your treasure is, there your heart will also be.
Matthew 6:21

This week's chapter of our study of And Then You Were Gone by Becky Avella focuses on looking toward eternity. I have to admit, this week has been difficult. An emotional rollercoaster of sorts. In my own grief journey, it's just been one of those weeks. I could go into all the details as to why I think things are tough, but I will spare you the details. Truly, the details are the very things that have taken my focus away from the One True source of Hope and strength I have. My Jesus. So this week's chapter is quite timely for me. Isn't that just like God?

Becky starts the chapter out by sharing how she is now able to see that God began preparing her for her miscarriages before they occurred. Can any one of you relate? When you look back, what circumstances or people do you feel God divinely orchestrated for the particular purpose and reason of preparation? Who did He send? How have you seen His hand cover all the details? Though I can recall numerous instances, one in particular comes to mind. In fact, it was a person. An unlikely friend. God placed us in an office together during our graduate studies. We could not be more opposite. She was all "Christian-like" and me...well, that's a different story. Still, a friendship grew and God has used her in unimaginable ways in my life. I could literally write an entire post devoted to her, as she did on her own blog recently, but I do feel that such a post is for another day. I will, however, say one thing about how God used her... She showed the love of Jesus to me when I was most unlovable and that brought me back to His feet in surrender. I am forever thankful for how God used her. It was her living testimony that led me to realign my hope to where it belonged. In Christ, my Savior!

Speaking of hope, Becky states, "The hope of Heaven was a key ingredient in surviving and healing" (p. 78). Hope. If we know Jesus, we possess a heavenly hope that surpasses any earthly treasure. For those of us who have babies in heaven, it looks all the more sweet. Psalm 84:1, 10 says,

"How lovely is Your dwelling place, O Lord Almighty...Better is one day in your courts than thousands elsewhere."

Indeed, how lovely...and oh so much better! I admit that sometimes, however, I lose sight of this eternal perspective. We talked about this in the face-t0-face group last night and came to a consensus that it is difficult and challenging at times to keep our eyes focused on eternity. In my grief, my mind couldn't seem to take hold of how to maintain this eternal perspective. I begged the question, What can we do? How can we keep our eyes focused on the heavenly hope that we, who know Christ, possess?

"Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God."

Colossians 3:1-3

Reading over these verses, I am reminded and encouraged at all that God has done for me. He sent His Son, Jesus, to live a perfect life and to pay the penalty for my sins. Jesus died on the cross for me. He is the reason I have any hope at all! I have given my life to Him. I've surrendered. He is Lord of my life. I believe this with all my heart. Because of this, I have "been raised with Christ" and my "life is now hidden with Christ in God." Amen?! Yet, there are still times when I find it a challenge to set my heart on things above. The grief can be overwhelmingly painful. Jesus reminds us in the gospel of John of the peace and comfort He brings when He says,

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

John 16:32-33

Praise Him! He knew there would be troubling times. He knew there would be pain. He knew that some days I may just want to sit and cry and wallow in my grief. Yet He lifts me up and whispers straight into the depths of my soul, "Daughter...take heart! Trust in Me! I have overcome! Look up to Heaven where I am seated! Look up, Teske...may your gaze be heavenly bound. Your babies are with Me."

I cannot conclude this post without an invitation to you, personally, to enter into the saving hope of Jesus Christ. This hope is a gift, available to all. All you have to do is receive it with a humble heart through prayer, as stated so plainly in Romans 10:9-10...

"If you declare with your mouth, 'Jesus is Lord,' and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you profess your faith and are saved."

You will be saved. You will possess a heavenly hope, an assurance of salvation, reunion with your baby, eternity with Jesus. There is no greater hope I can imagine.

He is Enough

2010-11-29T09:15:00.001-06:00

Continuing on with our discussion of Becky Avella's book, And Then You Were Gone, I want to spend some time focusing in on a portion of Chapter 8 that falls under the heading, "Shattered Dreams." In this section, Becky plainly states, "Miscarriage can be so painful because it shatters a lifelong and cherished dream" (p. 72). She's right! To some degree, we've all dreamed of having children. For some, like Becky, this dream began as a child as we nurtured and cared for our baby dolls. For others, like me, the dream may have come later in life after realizing the joy that children can bring. Whatever the case, miscarriage abruptly ends the dream that we have for that anticipated child and things are not as they ought to be.

This very thought brings me back to May 8th, 2006. It was a Monday. I was 32 weeks along in my pregnancy with Chloe, hopeful to carry her for another 8 weeks in my womb. Knowing that she had a condition that was incompatible with life, we were making all the preparations that we could in advance. A part of these preparations included prearranging her funeral. I remember it quite vividly. We sat in a cozy room at the funeral home, aided by two lovely women, one of whom had experienced the death of her own baby boy at 5 1/2 months old. She was nervous I could tell, taking care not to become too emotional as we sat and thumbed through various examples of funeral programs for babies. Now seems a proper time to say that this woman has become a dear friend. After going through all the paperwork and talking about the details of the service we had envisioned, it was time to go to another area of the funeral home to look at our options for a casket. The kind women escorted us through the beautiful and modern facility, complete with stoned walls and a beautiful fireplace, to an area that they had set up especially for us. There, on a glass-top round table, lay a handful of infant caskets ~ some larger than others; the biggest being no more than two feet long. I was overwhelmed with the reality of the situation. I couldn't say anything for quite some time and tears began to well up in the corners of my eyes. Finally, with reservation, I looked at my husband and I said, "We should be picking out a crib, not a casket." Then, the tears began to fall without relent. Simultaneously, the dreams that I had for my precious baby girl were laid to rest in the midst of a deep realization that continued to unfold.

This was not how it was supposed to be, right? Perhaps. At least in a mother's heart. Becky acknowledges that we live in a fallen world ~ a world where "sin affects everything" (p. 70). I can assuredly proclaim that the Sovereignty of God surmounts the subsistence of sin. You see, God's plans are always far better than our own. In Becky's words again, "God does His work at His speed, not mine, and He does it perfectly" (p. 73). Perfectly. Perfect. Sinless. That's His Son. Jesus!

The point of this section is to acknowledge that He, Jesus, is enough. Our God is enough. In fact, He is more than enough. The verse that Becky shared to illustrate this point comes from Psalm 73 and reads...

"Whom have I in Heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."

Psalm 73:25-26

I was overcome with great comfort when I read these verses. I then began to think to myself...is God enough for me? Is He more than enough? My heart and mind believe this to be true, but what does my life say? Am I living as though He is enough? Tough questions. What about you? If we're honest, we can probably think of countless times when other people, things, or situations take first place. We proclaim that He is not enough when we live discontent with our circumstances. Ouch. That was piercing in my own heart and I'm the one who wrote it! We'll unpack more of this truth tomorrow, but for now, I leave you with these amazing verses that serve as a testimony that our God is all-sufficient...

"I pray that out of His glorious riches He may strengthen you with power through His Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your heart through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord's holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us."

Ephesians 3:16-20

This is my prayer for each and every one of you who read this, today. Be blessed, sweet friends.

In the Word Wednesday [on Sunday!]...Conquering Depression (Chapter 8)

2010-11-28T20:25:00.000-06:00

Welcome to In the Word Wednesday [on Sunday!], our weekly post on the current bible study from Becky Avella's book, And Then You Were Gone: Restoring a Broken Heart After Pregnancy Loss. My apologies, yet again, for the delayed post. We traveled for the Thanksgiving holiday and I didn’t get much of an opportunity to write like I had planned. I should say, however, that I am so very thankful to have been able to travel with my family to visit my mom for a long visit!

At any rate, this past week's chapter helps us understand the reality that we must face our grief and do the work of conquering the depression that may undoubtedly accompany our grief. I appreciated that Becky was so real in her thoughts about this topic. Let's admit it, there tends to be an unfortunate degree of stigma associated with mental health issues in general.

Furthermore, people often fail to acknowledge pregnancy and early infant loss as legitimate losses. It’s so easy for others, even those we love, to ignore the loss, further disenfranchising the grief we feel in our hearts. We then tend to minimize the loss ourselves, despite the fact that we are truly broken. I think back to the miscarriage I had at 6 weeks along. I know there were times, and even still, that I would say things like “I was only six weeks along” or “It was a really early loss.” The fact of the matter is that the intensity of our grief lies not in the duration of the pregnancy. Rather, grief is measured purely by the love we have in our hearts for our children. The hopes and dreams that we have for our families and for our babies often exist long before they are even conceived, serving only to compound the loss when it does occur.

I appreciate that Becky acknowledged the issue of whether or not to use medication for depression, as well as her insights regarding counseling. She noted that medication, though controversial to some, may be used by God to help us get to a place where we can have the strength to do the work that must be done as we travel through our grief. She states, “It is true that our healing will not come from a pill. The pill only treats the symptoms. God is the healer of our hearts and our bodies.” This is so true! God, and only God ~ the Great Physician, Jehovah Rapha, our Healer, can fully and completely mend our broken hearts.

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Psalm 147:3

Several times throughout the book, and also in this particular chapter, Becky has shared various dialogues and examples of insights gained from her counselor throughout her grief journey. She admits that it was difficult for her to come to grips with the idea of seeing a counselor. I can relate to her so well. As I shared with the ladies in our face-t0-face discussion of the book, I struggled with pride. I think I could have truly benefited from talking to a qualified, biblical counselor. However, I didn’t want to admit that I was struggling. Rather, I threw myself into all kinds of “work” as I trudged through the grief alone. Now, I feel like I am at a place where God has done some amazing healing work in my heart, but if I could rewind to the year 2006 I would certainly do things differently. As I think about this now, I am more ashamed that I never truly let the body of Christ minister to me in the way I needed it to or in the way that God intended for us to “carry each other’s burdens” (Galatians 6:2).

With that, I want to direct your attention to our Resources page, as we’ve updated this with a list of local Christian Counseling agencies. If you feel the nudge to seek out counseling, these are counselors/agencies that we at Mommies with Hope would recommend in the Des Moines/Ames area, where our groups are based. I have also listed a couple of links that may be useful for those of you who do not live in central Iowa. Check it out!

There is more to come on this topic in the next couple of days, so stay tuned. In the meantime, I would love to hear from you all! What are some ways that you all have learned to cope in the aftermath of your own losses? Also, please feel free to share any prayer requests you may have (you may post anonymously). It is an honor to pray for you!

Legacy...

2010-11-23T10:28:00.001-06:00

Those of us who've experienced loss seldom have the opportunity to share the stories of our children who are with Jesus. In fact, it ca be downright awkward, and oftentimes others deliberately choose not to ask about them. Or, if we do begin to talk about them, the subject quickly changes as the conversation becomes uncomfortable.

Today, however, was not one of those days. Today, I got to share my story...the story of Chloe's life [and death]. More importantly, I got to share how God used her tiny life to change me and to reach others. This is her legacy. She may not have lived long, nor did she accumulate any earthly wealth. Her minutes were few, but her story touches many. Her life was brief, but her legacy is just beginning. Today, I am one proud mamma.

Earlier in the semester (I currently teach college, so I live on semesters), I had the opportunity to speak to an infant development class about the topic of prenatal diagnosis and perinatal loss. I shared my personal story about this very topic and candidly spoke about Chloe, my faith, and the experience as a whole. I have done this every semester for the last four years, so it was nothing new for me to share. I was happy to have done it and thankful for the opportunity.

Several weeks later, a student unexpectedly arrived at my office, stating that she had been in that classroom that day. As a Christian herself, she was so pleased to hear me speak of faith at a large, secular institution. I thought to myself, and probably even voiced, "How could I not when it's such a huge part of the story?" For me, it's nearly impossible to detangle them from one another because they have been weaved together from the very start. The very act of human creation is a picture of this very thing, as in Psalm 139, God's Word states,

"For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made..."

Psalm 139:13-14

The student explained to me that she had an assignment to do for a journalism class and was hoping that I would allow her to interview me about my experience. Her completed project would be comprised of a written story, along with a presentation of sound clips (from our audiotaped interview) and pictures of Chloe that I'd be willing to share.

My initial thought to myself was, "I'm too busy!" In fact, the time in which she dropped in on me was sandwiched in between two other "interviews" with students who were completing projects for other class assignments. I jokingly told my friend, who is also in academia, that I think students were assigned to interview their worst professor this semester because I literally had 6 other interviews with students! I digress. Anyway....I was immediately intrigued with this student's project and embraced it. I felt as thought it were a wonderful opportunity to share Chloe's life and my faith in Christ. How could I say no?

So, we met this morning over a warm cup of coffee and I shared. I told her about Chloe and how we had planned for her. I told her about the dreaded day of her diagnosis and the choices no mommy should ever have to face. I told her about Gabe and his loving heart toward his baby sister; a sister he'd never really know on earth, but who is still very much a part of our family. I told her about Justin and his sacrificial love, care, and protection over me through this difficult time. I told her about how Justin met Jesus for the very first time. I told her of friends who came alongside and walked through the valley with us. I told her about you, my fellow mommies, who have sadly walked this road too. I told her about my hope in Jesus and how I couldn't imagine going through it without Him. I told her all this and more and it was wonderful to share. This is Chloe's legacy. This is her life. She is reaching others...one student, one "mommy," one college class, one blog reader at a time. God is using her for His glory and I have done nothing more than simply obey.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to his purpose."

Romans 8:28

Even if you can't see it in the fog of your grief right now, I want you to know that your child has a legacy too! Indeed, that baby's life has purpose. Perhaps some of you have already discovered some aspects of their legacy. Others of you may have yet to uncover such treasures. I'd love to hear from you...whether it's a prayer request for discernment or a way in which you've felt called...

How have you been able to carry on the legacy of your own child? In what ways do you feel called to do this very thing?

Thankful for the Thorns...

2010-11-20T11:58:00.003-06:00

At the request of the ladies who attended our recent "Hope" Meeting in Polk City, I am posting the following story that was shared, titled Be Thankful for the Thorns, author unknown. I shared this at the meeting to challenge women to think of what they can be thankful for this Thanksgiving...even in the midst of grief. Even in light of their loss. Even in the aftermath of something so very difficult. Some of the ladies plan to share this with their families as a way of acknowledging their babies this Thanksgiving.

"Give thanks to the Lord for He is good, His love endures forever."

1 Chronicles 16:34

BE THANKFUL FOR THE THORNS

Sandra felt as low as the heels of her Birkenstocks as she pushed against a November gust and the florist shop door. Her life had been easy, like spring breeze.

Then in the fourth month of her second pregnancy, a minor automobile accident stole her ease. During this Thanksgiving week she would have delivered a son.

She grieved over her loss. As if that weren't enough, her husband's company threatened a transfer. Then her sister, whose holiday visit she coveted, called saying she could not come. What's worse, Sandra's friend infuriated her by suggesting her grief was a God-given path to maturity that would allow her to empathize with others who suffer. "She has no idea what I'm feeling," thought Sandra. "Thanksgiving? Thankful for what?" she wondered. For a careless driver whose truck was hardly scratched when he rear-ended her? For an airbag that saved her life but took the life of her unborn child?

"Good afternoon, can I help you?" The shop clerk's approach startled her. "I ... I need an arrangement," stammered Sandra. "For Thanksgiving? Do you want beautiful but ordinary, or would you like to challenge the day with a customer favorite I call the 'Thanksgiving Special'?" asked the shop clerk. "I'm convinced that flowers tell stories," she continued. "Are you looking for something that conveys 'gratitude' this Thanksgiving?"

"Not exactly!" Sandra blurted out. "In the last five months, everything that could go wrong has gone wrong."

Sandra regretted her outburst, and was surprised when the shop clerk said, "I have the perfect arrangement for you."

Then the door's small bell rang, and the shop clerk said, "Hi, Barbara ... let me get your order." She politely excused herself and walked toward a small workroom, then quickly reappeared, carrying an arrangement of greenery, bows, and long-stemmed thorny roses. Except the ends of the rose stems were neatly snipped. There were no flowers!

"Want this in a box?" asked the clerk. Sandra watched for the customer's response. Was this a joke? Who would want rose stems with no flowers! She waited for laughter, but neither woman laughed. "Yes, please," Barbara replied with an appreciative smile. "You'd think after three years of getting the special, I wouldn't be so moved by its significance, but I can feel it right here, all over again," she said as she gently tapped her chest.

"Uh," stammered Sandra, "that lady just left with, uh ... she just left with no flowers!"

"Right, said the clerk, "I cut off the flowers. That's the Special. I call it the Thanksgiving Thorns Bouquet."

"Oh, come on, you can't tell me someone is willing to pay for that!" exclaimed Sandra.

"Barbara came into the shop three years ago feeling much like you feel today," explained the clerk. "She thought she had very little to be thankful for. She had lost her father to cancer, the family business was failing, her son was into drugs, and she was facing major surgery."

"That same year I had lost my husband," continued the clerk," and for the first time in my life, had just spent the holidays alone. I had no children, no husband, no family nearby, and too great a debt to allow any travel."

"So what did you do?" asked Sandra.

"I learned to be thankful for thorns," answered the clerk quietly.

"I've always thanked God for good things in life and never to ask Him why those good things happened to me, but when bad stuff hit, did I ever ask! It took time for me to learn that dark times are important. I have always enjoyed the 'flowers' of life, but it took thorns to show me the beauty of God's comfort. You know, the Bible says that God comforts us when we're afflicted, and from His consolation we learn to comfort others."

Sandra sucked in her breath as she thought about the very thing her friend had tried to tell her. "I guess the truth is I don't want comfort. I've lost a baby and I'm angry with God."

Just then someone else walked in the shop. "Hey, Phil!" shouted the clerk to the balding, rotund man. "My wife sent me in to get our usual Thanksgiving arrangement ... twelve thorny, long-stemmed stems!" laughed Phil as the clerk handed him a tissue-wrapped arrangement from the refrigerator.

"Those are for your wife?" asked Sandra incredulously. "Do you mind me asking why she wants something that looks like that?"

No ... I'm glad you asked," Phil replied. "Four years ago my wife and I nearly divorced. After forty years, we were in a real mess, but with the Lord's grace and guidance, we slogged through problem after problem. He rescued our marriage. Jenny here (the clerk) told me she kept a vase of rose stems to remind her of what she learned from 'thorny' times, and that was good enough for me. I took home some of those stems. My wife and I decided to label each one for a specific 'problem' and give thanks for what that problem taught us."

As Phil paid the clerk, he said to Sandra, "I highly recommend the Special!"

"I don't know if I can be thankful for the thorns in my life." Sandra said to the clerk. "It's all too ... fresh."

"Well," the clerk replied carefully, "my experience has shown me that thorns make roses more precious. We treasure God's providential care more during trouble than at any other time. Remember, it was a crown of thorns that Jesus wore so we might know His love. Don't resent the thorns."

Tears rolled down Sandra's cheeks. For the first time since the accident, she loosened her grip on resentment. "I'll take those twelve long-stemmed thorns, please," she managed to choke out.

"I hoped you would," said the clerk gently. "I'll have them ready in a minute."

"Thank you. What do I owe you?"

"Nothing. Nothing but a promise to allow God to heal your heart. The first year's arrangement is always on me."

The clerk smiled and handed a card to Sandra. "I'll attach this card to your arrangement, but maybe you would like to read it first." It read:

"My God, I have never thanked You for my thorns.
I have thanked You a thousand times for my roses, but never once for my thorns.
Teach me the glory of the cross I bear;
Teach me the value of my thorns.
Show me that I have climbed closer to You along the path of pain;
Show me that, through my tears, the colors of Your rainbow look much more brilliant."

***

What do you have to be thankful for this year? I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments below. I will be the first to share...

His Song is With Me

2010-11-17T10:12:00.003-06:00

There will be no In the Word Wednesday post this week, as we take a break from the study since it is our monthly "hope" meeting week. We will be back next week, however, with thoughts on the next chapter of And Then You Were Gone, so stay tuned.

***

By day the Lord directs His love, at night His song is with me - a prayer to the God of my life.

Psalm 42:8

This past Sunday, our Pastor gave us a "homework" assignment. He preached about our God, the Rock of Ages (click here to listen), based on Psalm 18:1-3, 30-36, and 46. He spoke about the faith of David, the psalmist, and how his writing of the psalms were actually songs to God. Our "homework," then, was to write a song to God as we look back to see how He has worked in our lives and circumstances. Considering I assign and grade many-a-homework assignments of my own, I was up to a new challenge of actually completing an assignment. The following is written based on my view of God's loving hand over the last few years, through my losses.

At the tender age of 16, I gave my life to Jesus. I was far from understanding what this meant at the time, but it is an experience that God has reminded me of countless times in recent years and circumstances. I drifted far from Him in the years that followed, but from me, God was never far. He held me close in times of trouble and swept me up when I needed Him most. His grace and mercy cover me into eternity and He welcomed me back into His arms when I needed His loving embrace. God, my loving Father, allowed me to experience things that I wish upon no other person on this earth, if only to bring me back to His Son. I am so thankful.

Five years ago, I could not have come close to a mere thought of anything stated above. I was far from God, going about life in my own way and according to my own plans. But God, in His Sovereignty, blessed me with a daughter, Chloe, and I would forever be changed. Chloe was a precious little girl, born with "abnormalities" that were deemed fatal. To the world, she did not look like any newborn little girl should look. We knew this before her birth, but we loved her just the same. She was beautiful. Only God could give me the eyes to see her beauty. Only God could give me the strength to continue my pregnancy under the circumstances. Only God, in His infinite love and mercy, could usher her into His heavenly dwelling.

Since her death, I have seen God work miracles. I stand humbled and amazed at what He has done. I have seen Him bring others to the foot of the cross in surrender. What's more, my husband and I were first in line. God orchestrated every detail to bring about Mommies with Hope and I am just blessed to be a part of it. I literally tear up thinking that God would use me. Me. Seriously...me? A lowly sinner who fails over and over again. That's the absolute truth of who I am. But God. I can boldly say that I trust Him. I trust His plans. I trust my Jesus. I belong to Him. Thank you, Jesus, for using me for Your Kingdom!

It has not been easy. There have been days when I have cried and cried and cried and have struggled to get out of my comfy chair as I lay wrapped in Chloe's blankie. Yes, me. I have been broken. It is in my brokenness, however, I allow Him to carry me. I want to be at His feet. I want to be in complete surrender. I want to be in His will. He has been so faithful to be all-sufficient. In times of despair, He is my comfort. In times of weakness, He is my strength. In times of sorrow, He is my joy. In times of perish, He is my salvation.

I know that my song is incomplete, because I believe I am always a work in progress. It is my prayer that His song for me always be the song I'm singing...

Lord, may your desires and your will for me be the song that I want to sing each and every day. Help me to see how you want to use me and give me the strength to always obey your call. I love you, Jesus. Thank you for going to the cross for me. For me. I know you did this for me.

***

What song are you singing to God today?

In the Word Wednesday...Did She Really Just Say That?! (Chapter 7)

2010-11-13T16:15:00.007-06:00

Thanks so much for your patience this week, as I finally post our bible study post (3 days later!)...

Receiving comments with grace. Did you get that? With grace. I have to admit, I was really challenged with this week's chapter under study. When reading the title of the chapter, Did she really just say that? Receiving comments with grace, I was thinking "Yes, all my 'woe is me' experiences of others' insensitive remarks will be validated and I can recruit others to join in on my pity party!" This was not the case. Thank you Becky, for sharing Truth and for letting God use you to teach us.

In reading this chapter, I couldn't help but let my teacher mind wonder about some sort of formula to do just as Becky has instructed. I came up with a chart for organizing some of this information. I find this to be helpful in processing through some of the hurtful comments I can call to mind having received. It is a good way to re-think the motives behind the hurtful words that may have been voiced, and to give me a new focus for understanding and coping with such comments. Here is the table I came up with...feel free to use as you see fit.

Another point I wanted to draw out from this chapter includes the fact that Becky points out two hindrances to being able to receive comments with grace, based on her own personal experience. These two things were pride and rebellion. She described them as follows:

1. Pride: I didn't want to be told this; I already knew it.

2. Rebellion: I didn't want to be encouraged by these words; I wanted my babies...

(pg. 61 of And Then You Were Gone)

Can anyone else relate? Can you think back to any comments you may have received and re-evaluate the situation to see whether pride or rebellion stood in the way of your ability to receive such comments with grace? Personally, I can relate all too well, and am also able to identify other hindrances such as stubbornness, self-pity, and entitlement. What other hindrances in your own life can you identify? What is in the way of you being able to receive comments with grace?

Finally, I love how Becky acknowledges that none of this can be accomplished on our own human strength. She tenderly reminds us of the reliance we must have on God to be able to receive comments with grace. On pg. 62 she states, "I needed the discernment that can only come from the Holy Spirit. Only He could show us which words were applicable to our lives and which were not." This brings me to a point that must not be overlooked. The wisdom and discernment that comes from the Holy Spirit is present only in the hearts of those who have trusted in Jesus Christ as their personal Savior. In John 14:16-17, Jesus says...

"And I will ask the Father, and He will give you another advocate to help you and be with you forever - the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees Him nor knows Him. But you know Him, for He lives with you and will be in you."

Jesus is speaking of the very biblical truth that the Holy Spirit, our counselor and helper, indwells the hearts of Believers - those who have embraced the truth of the gospel. Is that you? I direct you, again, to Appendix B (p. 103) of the book, Do You Know the Healer of Broken Hearts? Do you?

I pray boldly for each of you now...that those of you who know Jesus as Savior are able to call upon the power of the Holy Spirit, who dwells inside of you, to receive hurtful comments with grace and that you may be a testimony of God's grace to all who look upon you as you walk this difficult road. And for those of you who have not received Jesus, may this study, this blog, this ministry, these stories, and all that God places in your path, be a gentle nudge toward the saving One, Jesus Christ! God loves each and every one of you and desires to call you His own.

"Yet to all who did receive him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God."

John 1:12

In the Word Wednesday is Delayed!

2010-11-11T16:36:00.004-06:00

Hello faithful followers and friends....my apologies for the delay on the "In the Word Wednesday" post! I'm already a day behind on this weekly post due to a whole array of circumstances (all good), so please forgive me!

I will, however, direct you to another blog (one of our fellow mommies who is doing the study with us!), as she wrote about the recent chapter, titled: Did she really just say that? Receiving comments with grace.

Click here to read Jamie's thoughts!

Rejoicing This Morning!

2010-11-08T10:49:00.005-06:00

This morning, God performed a miracle. We look around our comfy little lives and so often fail to see the miracles that surround us, but this morning, I bore witness to one of the greatest miracles in all the world. God, in His awesome power and sovereign plan, led a young woman into a personal relationship with Him through Jesus Christ! My role? A simple obedience...that's it. It is God who did the work.

So today, rejoice with our new Sister in Christ! She acknowledged her sin, recognized her need for a Savior, and asked Jesus to come into her heart. Is that not a miracle? That the God of all creation would send His One and Only Son, Jesus, to live a perfect life and die a sacrificial death on a cross. A cross that we should have been nailed to. But God. He paid the penalty for us, so that if we would just believe and receive, we would be saved. Thank you Jesus for this awesome miracle! We trust you when you say you are "the way, the truth, and the life." We love you and we rejoice in your heart-changing work today! May You alone be glorified and lifted high!

Gifts from Riyah Mae...

2010-11-05T07:50:00.003-05:00

One year ago, to date, Riyah Mae went to be with Jesus. I vowed then, as I do now, that God would still be my God. You can read about that here.

This past year has raced past. I finished school (finally), we have our house on the market, and I am excited about new adventures on the horizon. The Lord has blessed Mommies with Hope in ways I couldn't have imagined, and through that, I have had the amazing privilege of meeting and ministering to some very special women. As a part of my walk, I constantly seek to find the "gifts" left behind by my babies. This can be difficult in a time of grief, but difficult does not equal impossible. So today, as a tribute to Riyah, I want to share just a few "gifts" that I have discovered along the way. I trust there will be many more to come.

She brought us joy!

In the weeks and months that we new and expected her arrival, we were so joyful. The thought of another little one was a blessing from heaven. Gabe understood and was excited. Aiyana was oblivious. Still, we loved her from the moment we knew of her tiny life growing inside of me and we were thrilled! We certainly rejoice for her heavenly dwelling!

She grew us!

When the ultrasound revealed that she had already gone to be with Jesus, it didn't seem possible that we could endure another loss. It didn't make sense as to why she was gone. Rather than a search for answers and explanations, we were at peace with her passing. She grew us. We rested in our Savior, not the circumstances. Yes, it hurt...very deeply. Still, we trusted God would use her brief life for something wonderfully glorious, and this my friends, is truly a gift.

She makes heaven look sweeter!

Any of us who have a baby in heaven certainly has a longing for heaven to some degree. I can't venture to say that I know what heaven will be like, but I do know two things for sure: 1) Jesus has welcomed each of my babies into His dwelling place upon their earthly departures, and 2) One day, Jesus will call me home and I will go to them. Knowing they are there, gives me a greater longing for heaven. First and foremost, I will see my Savior face-to-face and drop to my knees in worship. Yet, I can't help but picture him holding my babies in His arms with Riyah Mae being the youngest of them all.

Today, we remember. I don't know whether we will do anything out of the ordinary, or whether we'll plan something special. I vow to take the day as it comes, yet all the while making the same commitment I did in that sterile exam room one year ago when I said, "God, whatever happens...I will still love you. You are still my God." He is the same today as He was yesterday and will be tomorrow...a Truth upon which I can rely!

In the Word Wednesday (Ch. 6) - Satan the Ultimate Bully

2010-11-03T08:27:00.005-05:00

Welcome back to our In the Word Wednesday posts. We took a brief break last week in preparation for Hope Retreat, but are excited to be back to our study of And Then You Were Gone: Restoring a Broken Heart After Pregnancy Loss by Becky Avella. You can read previous posts by clicking on the following links:

This week's chapter was titled Satan the Ultimate Bully: Surviving Spiritual Attack. Wow, I can't tell you how timely this was in my own life. I have felt the presence of the enemy as he plots his schemes. This was particularly noted in preparation for the Hope Retreat, because of course he would want nothing more than to sabotage the plans of a group of Jesus-lovin' women who seek to gather and bring glory to our God! Still, in light of my own losses, satan continues to torment.

In this chapter, Becky points out the subtlety of satan's ploys. Some of the ways in which she was personally attacked include fear, self-doubt, temptation, and sometimes sinful thoughts. In the face-to-face bible study last night, we discussed how each of us could relate to some of these attacks. What about you? In what ways have you identified spiritual battle unfolding in the aftermath of your own loss?

I love how Becky shared some wonderful insight with us from Search for Significance by Robert S. McGee. She shared his wisdom on just how to take captive every thought and to make it obedient to Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5). This process involves four steps...

1) Identify

Here is where you come to recognize the lies that you've bought into in the midst of your grief. Some of the ones we discussed last night included be overly fearful and/or afraid of the future, believing our losses were some sort of punishment for sin, or feelings of inferiority and as if we aren't worthy of God's love and sanctification. What lies can you identify for yourself?

2) Repent

Here is where you pray to God and ask forgiveness for believing the lie! What comfort to know that we can approach God directly in our prayers and ask Him to remove this thought far from our hearts and minds.

3) Reject

In acknowledging, repenting, and asking God to remove the lie far from us, we are rejecting the thought that once captivated us. Vow to see it for what it is...a lie of the devil, and cast it far from your precious souls!

4) Replace

Finally, through this process, we can replace the lie with Truth. It can be a Scripture passage or verse from God's Word, or a simple Truth about who God is and what He wants for us!

We worked through each of the lies mentioned above and were collectively able to realign our hearts on minds on Truth. That is a very freeing thing, mommies!

I would love to hear from you in the comments. What lies do you need to identify today that we can search and replace with Truth? Let's share this burden and seek to live victoriously in Jesus, our Lord!

'Top 10' List for our first-ever Hope Retreat!

2010-11-01T10:29:00.001-05:00

Wow, ladies. It is hard for me to even put into words what this past weekend has meant to me. For those of you who are new to this blog, I'm referring to our first-ever Hope Retreat. We had a mini-getaway to the Cedar Falls/Waterloo area where we stayed in a hotel on Friday night and attended an all-day event on Saturday called the Rise and Shine Women's Retreat, featuring author/speaker and President of Proverbs 31 Ministries, Lysa Terkeurst. Everything was beyond fantastic. I'll be writing about some of what we learned throughout the week. For now, I'll share my own personal 'Top 10' List with a brief explanation of each. For those of you who went along....I would love to hear some of your own personal highlights in the comments!!

Teske's 'Top 10' from the first-ever Hope Retreat (in reverse order, with #1 being the best!)...

#10 - New Faces!

It was an absolute honor to meet some of the ladies who came with our group for the very first time. It was also a blessing to get to know others of you better and on more of a friendship level. A lot of the time we spend together has been completely surrounding our loss experiences, whether it was through bible studies or Hope Meetings or the like. It was so nice to just kick back, have fun, and fellowship with you all!!

9. Dinner at The Brown Bottle

Besides the fact that this restaurant is just awesome, we had so much fun! Seriously ladies...I am laughing as I type this up, remembering all the humorous events of the evening! Anything from Amber's "cheeks" hurting to her creamy garlic breath, to the fact that Mickie actually had socks in her purse (and thought it was totally normal)! Peggy had to top it off with the stash of undies. :) Thanks, Nicole for that fun game you planned!!

8. Talking with Lysa on Saturday

This was cool for many reasons...one major reason being that she has had such an amazing impact on me through her ministry. I have had the awesome privilege of going to the She Speaks Conference for the past two years and meeting/hearing her there. My attendance at these conferences has truly revealed so many things to me in my work through Mommies with Hope. It was just a blessing to talk to her and to receive her encouragement. God is working through her in some amazing ways.

7. Saturday Morning Devotion

It was a treasure to get together with some of the ladies early on Saturday morning and share just a glimpse of what God had laid on my heart for the day. I shared Ephesians 2:1-10, which talks about being "alive in Christ." We discussed the spiritual aspect of crossing over from death to life by having a personal relationship with Christ, but also about the importance of being "alive" and "on fire" in our daily walks with Christ! It was just a challenging and encouraging time of preparing our hearts for the day and to live it out as we go back into the normal routine of our lives. We prayed together and also were able to pray for the wonderful hotel staff that morning.

6. Visit to the Prayer Room

My only regret about the Prayer Room that was set up at the Rise and Shine Retreat on Saturday is that I didn't get there sooner! I know from talking to many of you throughout the day on Saturday that you too were blessed by this aspect of the retreat, knowing that the women who were organizing the event were praying over you by name. In addition, that they were praying a specific fruit of the Spirit over you! Several of you remarked how "perfect" the match up was! I echo your sentiments, when discovering that the fruit being prayed over me was "Joy!" Interestingly, the fruit of Joy had been a very prevalent part of my devotions and bible study time as of late, and it had also come through in my blog writing over the last couple of weeks! How cool is that?! Thank you, Rachel B. from Rise and Shine, for all the hard work you put into the Prayer Room!!

5. Facilitating a Breakout Reflection

The mere fact that I was asked by the Rise and Shine team to facilitate one of the Breakout Reflections (a portion of the conference with a small-group setting) was a humbling honor. During this short time that I had with a group of about 25-30 women, we were able to dive in and apply the truths of Lysa's message in our own lives. It was awesome to see that God was working through Lysa to speak to each one of these ladies, individually. I was also able to make some great connections with a couple of ladies who sought out more information about Mommies with Hope for themselves or friends who were grieving the loss of a baby.

4. Giving a Copy of Safe in the Arms of God to Sheila

We were invited to have an informational table set up for Mommies with Hope at the Rise and Shine Retreat. In doing so, I was able to talk with several women (and even a man in the church!) about the ministry and all that God is doing. One woman stands out in particular, and that's Sheila. She approached the table and I could sense the compassion in her eyes. She was seeking information for a friend whose baby died of SIDS in April. We were able to give her a copy of a book by John MacArthur, titled Safe in the Arms of God (I happened to have two copies with me), to give to her friend. She was very thankful. This act to give was prompted completely by the Holy Spirit as we had literally just heard Lysa share in one of her sessions about giving her bible to a man on an airplane. Thank you Lysa, for obeying God' s instruction and sharing it with the rest of us!

3. A Letter From God

First, I just have to say that this part of the retreat was absolutely amazing!! We were provided with paper and envelopes toward the end of the retreat and instructed to write ourselves a letter from God, with all that He had been "telling" us throughout our time at Rise and Shine. Wow! I recall the first line of my letter from God said, "You are mine!" It was such a tender time of reflection and thanksgiving as I realized God's love for me. The organizers then had us address our envelopes and seal our letters inside. We then walked them up to the stage, laying them at the foot of the cross. Sometime down the road, these letters will show up in our mailboxes. I can trust that God's timing on this will be absolutely perfect and can't wait to see it arrive!

2. Hope Night Testimonies of Deanna and Shayla

On Friday night of our weekend, we got comfy and settled into a rather large suite to have some desserts and fellowship. This Hope Night was a beautiful way for us to connect and share. As a part of the planned festivities, we heard from two fellow "Mommies" ~ Deanna and Shayla. It was so awesome to hear them each share the details of how God saved them from their sin, gave them HOPE in Christ, and how He has continued to reveal Himself to them through their loss experiences. I know that their testimony of His love and mercy impacted me and others greatly. Thank you for sharing your hearts with us, ladies!!

1. God Glorified

(through Lysa and the Rise and Shine Team)!

God's Word came alive through Lysa and the Rise and Shine team on Saturday! Lysa shared her personal story of coming to know Christ as Savior and I know her story resonated with each of us who were there from Mommies with Hope...a story of brokenness and hurt that we can all relate to all too well. Yet, she illuminated an aura of hope, found only in Christ! She mixed just the right amount of humor and fun in with the seriousness of her story and we were blessed! Her teachings on 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 taught us about how God wants us to be, not merely what He wants us to do. It blew me away! And the highlight for me of all of this was when Lysa tenderly shared the gospel and explained the difference between religion and relationship. With heads bowed and eyes closed, she asked women who recognized their need to accept Christ as Savior to raise their heads or hands and be acknowledged. With tears streaming from my own eyes as I prayed for God to turn hearts that day, Lysa acknowledged woman after woman with the words, "Praise God!" "Praise God!" "Praise God!" One after another..."Praise God!" as these precious women became Sisters in Christ! Welcome to the Kingdom, sweet Sisters!

***

I would love to hear what made your 'Top 10' List! Leave your comments below, fellow Mommies...

Recognize the Battle

2010-10-27T11:11:00.003-05:00

Mommies ~ I earnestly seek your prayers for a fellow mommy, Becky in Iowa, who was scheduled to deliver her baby this morning. Her little girl, diagnosed with Turner's Syndrome most recently, had already gone to be with Jesus. Please pray for Becky as she gives birth to this precious baby, and as she embarks on a tough road ahead.

***

This post is the second of a series of posts this week, aimed toward preparing our hearts for our upcoming Hope Retreat! Even if you are not attending, there is some truth for you, so please keep reading. To read yesterday's post...the first of this series, click here.

Yesterday, we discussed all the many details that have to come together as we prepare for a night away this upcoming weekend, as we embark on our Hope Retreat. While all the details are important and necessary, I encouraged each of us to remember and prioritize the preparation of our hearts. Today, we will continue this discussion, focusing on our need to...

Recognize the Battle

What do you mean, recognize the battle? What battle? I know things are pretty hectic and busy and I may have even had a little tiff with my hubby this morning, but I wouldn't full out call it a battle! Can you relate? I know that this week has already been filled with distractions and unexpected happenings and expenses [hello new computer!] that have taken my attention and my heart off of the spiritual preparation for this weekend. I've spoken with others of you who are dealing with similar "battles" including sick children, childcare issues, husband's work schedules, your own work schedules, and the list goes on. What have your "battles" looked like this week?

Consider this verse from 2 Chronicles...

"This is what the Lord says to you, 'Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God's.'"

2 Chronicles 20:15

Afraid. Discouraged. Vast Army. Battle. Wow...this verse is packed with all kinds of crummy stuff that I can relate to. Still, the hope lies in the last sentence of the verse, which says, "For the battle is not yours, but Gods." Relief! It's not our battle to fight, ladies. Satan, our enemy, is working against us always. He comes to wreak havoc on our lives, if we'd let him, and he seeks to destroy our relationships with others and with our God. Do not give him a foothold, especially as you work to prepare your homes and your hearts for this God-ordained time away.

I realize that the tasks must be accomplished and the issues must be resolved and we certainly have a role in making those things happen. The power we have, which comes from Christ, lies in our ability to choose to do so with joy and thanksgiving, equipped with the full armor of God. When we recognize the battle for what it really is - a sly form of spiritual warfare - scheming against our attempts to bring glory to our God, we can take that step back remember Who we belong to, and persevere. I leave you with the wise words of Paul from his letter to the Ephesians, where he says...

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but...against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms."

Ephesians 6:10-12

What battles are you currently facing? How can we pray for you? What can you do, in God's power, to reign victoriously through the battle?

Preparing Hearts for our Hope Retreat

2010-10-26T08:05:00.005-05:00

I realize some of you reading today may not be coming along with us this weekend on our first-ever "Hope Retreat" (sad face), but you can be a part of this weekend by committing to lifting us up in prayer, as we prepare for and experience what God has in store for the weekend. I do believe there is some practical application for everyone in the post to follow, so please read on and think about the preparation of your own heart for God to do His work...

***

In just a few short days, a group of 17 women, myself included will take part in our first-ever "Hope Retreat." I can't tell you how very excited I am for this planned time of faith, fellowship and fun. Friday evening will be filled with a fabulous dinner out and a special "Hope Night" to take place at the hotel in which we are staying. We will have desserts and gifts and prizes and fun! We will pray and reflect and hear from two fellow "mommies" about God's work in their lives! As a second part to this "Hope Retreat" we will be attending the Rise and Shine Women's Retreat on Saturday, which is a one-day event with featured speaker, Lysa Terkeurst! I have had the awesome privilege of hearing her speak on a couple of occasions and was truly blessed. I trust you will be too!

Each of these things in and of themselves are absolutely fantastic! It's exciting to think about a little getaway that involves some time with the ladies, not having to cook for or clean up after ourselves, and of course massive amounts of chocolate. With spouses and/or families left behind, there are many details we each need to juggle and negotiate. We have to think about schedules and childcare and work and carpool situation. We have to choose out attire, plan our finances, and think about the rest of the weekend's festivities upon our return home from this mini getaway. Some of the ladies attending are involved with helping out with Friday's "Hope Night", so some may also be finalizing the details and duties pertaining to that.

I am needing to remind myself, and felt it important to remind all of you, that most important of all amidst the many preparations taking place is our need to prepare our hearts. Let us not neglect this, ladies! God has called each and every one of us to be a part of this weekend and He has plans in store for each of us. This calls to mind a familiar verse of encouragement from Jeremiah...

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you a HOPE and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and you will find me when you seek me with all your heart.

Jeremiah 29:11-13

What are some practical ways that we can prepare our hearts for the "Hope Retreat" throughout the rest of this week? Over the next few days, I will highlight several ideas, as listed below. First up...PRAYER! I will go into the other ideas in more detail throughout the rest of this week, so stay tuned.

Pray!!!

Ask God to prepare your heart for the weekend. Pour out your hear to Him and cast your cares upon Him. He desires to hear from you. If you are not attending, pray still and ask God to reveal to you those things that He would have you learn and experience to grow closer to Him. He wants to have a relationship with each and every one of us, made possible through the sacrifice of His own Son, Jesus! Prayer is a vital part this relationship.

Know that those of you attending are being prayed for by name. That's right...there are four women from our own ministry who have been praying for each of you in preparation for the weekend. What's more, the ladies of the Rise and Shine women's ministry team have been praying the Fruits of the Spirit over each of you, by name, since the moment you were registered! Is that not an awesome comfort?!

Don't be leary about leaving out the details! Pray for your families in your absence. Pray for your schedule. Pray that God maximizes your time to do all the things He has ordained for you to do beforehand. Pray that He would calm your spirit and give you a peace and a heart that is open to His guidance and direction. Pray, pray, pray!!

Recognize the Battle

(More to come on Wednesday)

Extend Grace

(More to come on Thursday)

***

I would love to hear what others of you have been doing and/or plan to do, starting today! Leave your thoughts in the comments, ladies!!

Rejoice in Our Sufferings?

2010-10-24T22:06:00.003-05:00

We brought up this notion recently....the call from Scripture to "rejoice in our sufferings." The very statement seems to be an oxymoron, doesn't it? How can one rejoice in suffering? How can one consider it "pure joy" to face trials? What does that look like?

I wish I had all the answers. I don't. I have failed at this many times, resting in the lukewarm complacency of self-pity and lament. I have shaken my fists at God, wrestled with feelings of punishment, and wallowed in self-blame. All the while, onlookers say, "You're so strong." It reminds me of a line from a song whose lyrics read..."People say that I am brave but I'm not. The truth is I'm barely hanging on." (I Will Carry You by Selah). Even still, I have hope. The hope I possess keeps me clinging to the cross, at the feet of my Savior, Jesus. That's the answer. He's the answer. We can have joy in Him, not in our circumstance! Amen?!

I want to share a sermon with you that was preached at my church today. We had a visiting Pastor, Pastor Josh, who was a part of our church's original core group. He has gone on to plant a church in another community, Living Waters Fellowship, and God is doing a mighty work there! Please pray for their ministry!! Also, a shout-out to his wife, Danielle, who is a precious woman of God and a dear friend.....who also happens to cut my hair, which makes her extra special! :)

Anyway, Pastor Josh preached today about giving praise to God, in good times....and in bad, based on Psalm 66. Take some time to listen. I trust you will surely be blessed. I certainly was. Click here to listen to the podcast

***

What do you ladies think? What does it mean to "rejoice in our sufferings?" How have you managed to do this in light of your loss? What choices do you need to make to be joyful in the midst of your loss (that's right...we have a choice!)? How can I pray for you in this area? Leave your comments below...

Prayers for our fellow Mommies

2010-10-22T08:39:00.003-05:00

This week, I have a heavy heart for women I have never met, yet who I've learned have traveled a similar path. I don't know which way the road may veer for any one of them, as each of our paths are unique and different, but I know, as do you, that this grief journey is one we'd rather not have to take. Just in the past couple of weeks, I've learned of several women who have either experienced or anticipating loss.

Today, I want to encourage each of you to pray for each of these women, by name...

Rebekah, whose baby girl, Opal, went to be with Jesus on Oct. 1st

Kimberlee, whose precious baby Lulu went to be with Jesus on Oct. 4th

Alissa, who is pregnant with Jude, a precious boy that has been diagnosed with Ring Chromosome 13

Becky, who is pregnant with a little girl with Turner's Syndrome, scheduled to give birth next week

These ladies need our prayers, fellow "mommies," so please lift them up boldly before the Lord.

"Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ."

Galatians 6:2

"The prayers of the righteous are powerful and effective."

James 5:16

Check this out...

2010-10-21T16:40:00.003-05:00

One of our fellow Mommies has some encouragement to share and I want to pass it along to each of you who frequent this blog. She has compiled a number of blog posts she had previously written on her private blog and put them into a new blog titled, They Are Safely Home. All of the posts are related to pregnancy loss and grief. Thank you, Jamie, for sharing your story, your babies and your heart with us. We are blessed!

http://theyaresafelyhome.blogspot.com

One final thought....isn't the title of her blog so fitting?! What a sweet encouragement to trust and know that our precious babies are home with their Heavenly Father!

In the Word Wednesday....But it's so Unfair! (Ch.5)

2010-10-20T08:20:00.006-05:00

"It's not fair!" That was my motto during my pregnancy with Chloe, after finding out about her diagnosis. Many times, that was all my mouth could manage to utter amidst the tears. "It's not fair! I just want her here...that's all!" Over and over I would repeat these words, crying all the more, in some ways as a plea to God to make it all better and that if He'd grant his one request all the pain would go away. He did not miraculously heal her as I hoped, but His mercy welcomed her into His heavenly home and for that I am thankful.

This week, we delved into Chapter 5 of Becky Avella's book, And Then You Were Gone: Restoring a Broken Heart After Pregnancy Loss. We have two groups of ladies meeting face-to-face to discuss this book and our online "mommies" who have been joining in. You can get up to speed and read all of the previous posts by clicking on the links below:

Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4

In Chapter 5, Becky addresses the very real issue of bitterness. Personally, I find it hard to clearly discern what constitutes "bitterness" and what is a part of our normal grief reaction to our losses. In our discussions in the face-to-face bible studies this week, coupled with the reading of this chapter, we agreed that there are some things that are just normal grief reactions that certainly have the propensity to turn into bitter thoughts or feelings. If those normal reactions are leading to sin, then that is where we must draw the line.

Becky talked about the "peripheral issues" that she faced in the aftermath of her losses. These were prime territory for Satan to attack. Some of these issues may include: weight gain, phsyical effects of pregnancy and loss such as milk coming in or embarrassing accidents due to heavy menstrual periods that follow loss. Can you relate? I certainly can!

We talked in the group about the reactions and feelings we have when we see women at the store screaming at their children. One person shared that she tries to cope with this by asking God to help her get through those moments as she faces them. Something I've done to ward off any ill feelings toward these women is to stop right where I am and pray for them. I pray that God would intervene in the escalating situation and I pray for the woman to have patience and kindness toward her children. I have to be honest and tell you that I don't do this every time. Sometimes, I just leave the store angry and frustrated at the fact that such people are blessed with chidlren. Honestly. Yet the times when I have stopped, prayed, and turned it over to God are the times when I am at peace. A peace that only He can bring.

There were a couple of questiosn that Becky brought out in Chapter 5 that I want to repeat here:

"After all I've been through, don't I deserve a little self pity?"
"Aren't I justified in feeling some bitterness?"

If you are like me, you can probably read each of the above questions and say impulsively answer "Yes!" to them both. I confess that there have been numerous times where I've felt entitled to wallowing in my grief. The issue is not about whether or not we can and should grieve...we certainly need to allow ourselves this outlet. Rather, it comes back to the issue of where we draw the line. At what point do our feelings and emotions associated with grief corss over into the realm of bitterness and sin? That's what we need to be cautious of.

Becky points out that we can "choose how we respond each and every time we face heartache." That's right, ladies...we can choose! That doesn't mean it's easy. It doesn't even mean that we will choose a god-honoring response every time. Still, we can choose. This reminds me of a devotion I read some time ago about "Choosing Joy." What does that even mean? A similar question arose in our face-to-face study last night when talking about Scripture that refers to "rejoicing in our sufferings" (Romans 5:3, 1 Peter 1:6, James 1:1-2). How is it possible to do such a thing? Well, again, we have a choice. I leave you with a quote from LuAnn Prater, a Proverbs 31 Ministries speaker, based on her take of the following verse:

"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstance, for thsi is God's willl or you in Christ Jesus."

1 Thessalonians 4:16

LuAnn explains, "We can be jouful, not for what we're going through, but for WHO we're going through it with." That's our Jesus...He is walking through this valley right alongside each and every one of us. So while we may not rejoice in the circumstance, we can rejoice in our Savior!

***

I would love to hear your thoughts on this topic....in what ways have you struggled with bitterness and how have you managed to cope with it? What questions, if any, do you have for Becky. We will be compiling our questions and passing them along to hear her take...thanks for your willingness to share with us, Becky!!

Busy, Busy, Busy Grief

2010-10-19T13:48:00.004-05:00

In recent months, I've tried to stay on top of writing on the blog consistently. My apologies for a brief hiatus this past week. As each of you can most assuredly relate, life has been busy, busy, busy! Not to mention my continued computer issues (yep, you can still pray for me on that one!).

In thinking about how crazy busy things have been and through conversations with people along the way, I honestly do think that part of my busy lifestyle has a lot to do with my grief. In the year after Chloe died, especially, I got very involved in doing "stuff." All good stuff I might add, but stuff nonetheless. For me, it was a way of coping with the loss. I had so many things to do and so many commitments to uphold that I didn't have time to grieve. Perhaps you can relate?

I find myself continuing to do that from time to time, especially when special days or holidays approach. These are tough days for me and times when I sense the loss of my babies most deeply. However, if I stay busy, especially by doing something for someone else, then just maybe I won't have to feel the pain. This all sounds like some great method for coping with loss or like some magical formula, doesn't it? In all actuality, it only delays the inevitable. The feelings still come. It still hurts. I still miss my babies. This very thought puts me in mind of something we read in our recent bible study from Becky Avella's book when she says, "Grief can be delayed, but it cannot be denied." Isn't that what I've been doing? By filling my plate to overflowing with activities and commitments, I'm only delaying the emotions of an experience that already exists.

I want to change this. I want to purpose to face those special days knowing full-well that I may just have a meltdown and that's okay. I want to let myself experience the pain when it comes, knowing that it exists much because I loved much. Won't you join me? Let us lay our busy lives aside, and if even for a moment, rest. Rest in our circumstances. Rest in our experiences. Rest in our grief. Rest in the arms of our Savior, Jesus, who walks this road right alongside us.

We Remember...and it hurts

2010-10-16T09:45:00.002-05:00

I had every intention of posting a special tribute to our children yesterday, October 15th, which was officially Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. In fact, I had a draft of said post started days in advance and was all geared up for a challenge for us each to do something in honor and remembrance of our own babies. Sometimes things don't go as planned, as is typically the case with grief. We experience sneaky grief moments, as written about recently, and sometimes we can only do what we can do. Such was the case yesterday.

I had it in my heart and mind to do something all week. I intended to recommend to you all to light a candle (the universal symbol of remembrance), release a balloon, have a gathering, or something of the like. By planning and purposing to do something on the special days we encounter, we are committed to following through. Yet, here I was, going about my day caught up in busyness of life, doing nothing. I should have certainly taken my own advice. All day long, my heart felt empty, yet my mind was going on to the next busy thing that needed to be done. The day drew on and still nothing purposeful or intentional to remember my babies. Still empty. I didn't even approach my Heavenly Father in prayer with my hurts, even though I know and will be the first to tell another mommy that He is so ready, willing, and eager to carry our burdens. Many times, my eyes welled up with tears, seemingly out of nowhere and I struggled to hold them back, feeling as if I didn't have the right to let them flow freely. I didn't know where all this was coming from and quite honestly, it took me by surprise.

The truth is...remembering can be tough. For many of us, pleasant memories of our babies who have died are cut short. We may have just a few short weeks or months of a joyful pregnancy to call to mind, and not much else. The thoughts of what might have been tend to overshadow the glimpse in time we had our babies with us. Others of us may have a few tangible mementos or keepsakes from our baby's birth and death, and these can serve as a meaningful reminder of our precious child. I have an entire shelf that houses the precious mementos, gifts, cards and the like that we have created and/or received over the years. Even Riyah's cremated remains are placed in this special shelf. As much comfort as it brings me to have these things and as thankful as I am to have them, there is nothing on this earth that can replace these babies or take away the pain of having had to say goodbye so soon. Nothing, that is, but Jesus.

It is good to remember. It is good to honor. It is good to cherish and to pay tribute. All of these things, especially on special days, are worthy of doing. I have gained comfort and peace in doing so over the years. Still, there is only One who brings complete joy and perfect peace and that's the Lord, Jesus. It's not until I realize, refocus, and realign my heart to see more of Him, that I can begin to feel true peace. So today, that's where I'm at. On my knees, at His feet...handing it all over to Him and finding comfort in the truth that He desires to love me just as I am. Broken.

"Come to me all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest."

Matthew 11:28

Treasures...(Bible Study Video Post)

2010-10-14T08:30:00.001-05:00

If you visited yesterday for our weekly "In the Word Wednesday" post, then you know the topic at hand for Chapter 4 of the book we're working through (And Then You Were Gone) is about viewing our losses as punishment. Once again, Becky (the author) brings in the Truth of God's Word and shares some awesome insights about the character of who God is, His overwhelming love for us, and how He certainly can work in and through our experience in many ways. Click here to read that post.

I've provided a video below with some thoughts from my perspective as well, with a challenge to seek out the "treasures" that your child has left behind. Would love to hear from you on this one! Be blessed, ladies!

Giveaway Winners!

2010-10-13T20:00:00.001-05:00

As promised, here are the winners from Monday's giveaway...

Book (And Then You Were Gone by Becky Avella...thanks Becky!) - Java Diva
Starbucks - Rachel
Hope Magnet - Mom (I promise this wasn't rigged!) :)

Congratulations, ladies! Please email me at teske@mommieswithhope and give me your address so I can send you your prize!!

In the Word Wednesday...Is This a Punishment? (Ch. 4)

2010-10-13T11:40:00.001-05:00

Please forgive the delay on this post! My laptop has seemed to crash :( and my computer time has been limited as a result. So, please send prayers my way for this laptop situation. This may be a little deep, but I truly believe this little hang up is a part of a larger spiritual battle going on...the Enemy would want nothing more than to keep these Jesus-lovin', gospel-proclaimin' fingertips from typing up some Truth for all you ladies!

NOTE: Giveaway winners will be announced later today....promise!

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Why is God punishing me? I know I have sin in my life. Is that the reason He took my baby? I've had multiple miscarriages or losses...there must be something I'm doing wrong! I don't have any living children...maybe I'm not fit to be a mom to children on earth?

Some of you may read the above questions or statements and wonder how someone could think such a thing. Others of you may read them and feel a sense of relief in knowing that you weren't the only one who's had such thoughts. In fact, that's the way I felt when reading Chapter 4 of Becky's book, And Then You Were Gone. While it pained me to know she too wrestled with such thoughts, I was comforted to know that I wasn't alone. Perhaps you can relate?

Becky shared some great points from Scripture that I want to highlight and challenge each of us to reflect upon and think about...

One of the passages of Scripture that she shared in Chapter 4 has brought me incredible comfort in my own loss experiences; John 9:1-3. This is the story of Jesus healing a blind man. Before Jesus performs His healing work, the disciples question the situation. They ask about who sinned that caused the man to be born blind...was it him or his parents? Jesus so lovingly responds by saying, neither this man nor his parents sinned, but this happened so that the work of God may be displayed in His life. Did you get that? So that the work of God would be displayed in his life! Wow. I cannot tell you what a relief it is to see this specific example in Scripture. I could go on with some of the ways in which I have seen God at work in and through my own loss experiences, but today, I'd rather hear from you...

Think about how this story relates to your own experience of loss. What is your reaction to this story? Have you seen God's work displayed in your life? Have you allowed God to work in and through your loss experience?

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There's so much more to say about this chapter, and I intend to via video, so stay tuned. For now, reflect upon the questions posed above and please share your thoughts in the comments.

(in)couraged by an Eternal Hope (and free stuff!)

2010-10-11T00:00:00.003-05:00

To all my fellow "mommies!" I have a guest post running on the (in)courage site about Chloe, titled, She Made me a Mommy with Hope. Be sure to check it out and browse around the (in)courage site! You will certainly be encouraged by this amazing community of Jesus-lovin' women!

Welcome (in)courage friends! Thanks for visiting...get comfy, get some tissues, and read more about what it means to possess an eternal hope. Also, what kind of host would I be if I weren't offering up some free stuff?? Be sure to leave comments to enter into the drawing for one of three prizes! Details below!

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Hope. A word we use so very flippantly. We hope for many things in life. Something as mundane as the ability to get all the laundry done to more serious things like a job promotion or the health of our children. Hope. We toss this word around in our daily repertoire of conversation and discussion, often referring to things or outcomes. Hope. A word that, by definition, means: "to desire with expectation of obtainment" (thank you very much, Mr. Merriam-Webster Dictionary). Hope. What have you hoped for, just today?

I have to admit, when I entered that ultrasound room nearly 5 years ago, I hoped to go home with some good pictures. I hoped to get to record a video. I hoped to find out the sex. I hoped many, many things. Then, all of my hopes came crashing down when I heard the harsh words of my doctor: "Your baby is going to die." All I could feel in that moment were the hopes and dreams I had for my baby unraveling right before my eyes.

Hope. It took on an entirely new definition. Hope. It was my pregnancy with her, anticipating her death, that drove me to my knees. Hope. Found in the promises of His Word. Hope. Discovered as I weeped and wailed at His feet. Hope. Revealed so boldly when her daddy gave his heart to Jesus in the aftermath of her death. Hope. In the big brown eyes of her brother who proudly declares her heavenly dwelling. Hope. In the innocence of a baby sister who never knew her, yet clings to Chloe's blankie as if she knows it's something special.

Hope. A confidence in knowing what lies ahead. Hope. Trusting in God's grace, which ushered my precious Chloe into heaven. Hope. A promise to be fulfilled for those who are (in)Christ. Hope. For that unimaginable reunion. Hope. To press on, trudging through the deepest darkest valley, to then climb to the top of the Mountain where God's glory is revealed. Hope. In the miracle of His creation of this tiny baby girl. Hope. God used her life to transform me into a Mommy with Hope.

The one true source of my hope eternal...Jesus. Where is your hope?

"...we who have fled to take hold of the hope offered to us may be greatly encouraged. We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, where Jesus, who went before us, has entered on our behalf."

Hebrews 6:18-20

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I "hope" you enjoyed your visit, (in)courage friends! Everyone is invited to leave a comment below pertaining to today's post on the topic of "Hope." If you have also experienced loss, I'd be honored to pray for you and to remember your precious child by name, just leave that in the comments as well. Or, feel free to ask questions of me if you have them....pretty much just say something and you'll be entered into the drawing! :) Each comment will be entered for a chance to win one of the following three (yes three!) prizes:

1) A copy of Becky Avella's book, And Then You Were Gone: Restoring a Broken Heart After Pregnancy Loss. Ladies, you will certainly be blessed by this book!! It is a great read for anyone who has experienced loss and also for women who are coming alongside a friend in her grief. We are currently reading through this book for a bible study and each week, on Wednesdays, there is a post pertaining the book! Thank you, Becky, for donating your book for the giveaway!!

2) Starbucks ($10 gift card)!! Yeah, that never gets old....And, they are now serving their pumpkin spice lattes! Woohoo!

3) A super cute "Hope" magnet, pictured below (thank you to my husband for your keen eye at Hallmark)! It says, "Have hope God will guide you through." Yes, He will...can I get an "Amen?!"

So...comment away, fellow "mommies," friends, and (in)courage gals! Winners will be posted on the blog on Wednesday morning, so stay tuned!

Reminders and an upcoming Giveaway!

2010-10-09T09:41:00.004-05:00

I have LOVED reading your comments on the previous post. The names are absolutely precious and some of the stories you ladies have shared behind them have brought me to tears! Love it!

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On a different note, I wanted to remind you about a recent post I wrote about an upcoming Walk to Remember. The walk will be held tomorrow in Des Moines. Click here to read that post. Also, here is an article from the Des Moines Register (click here) about the event tomorrow with much more detail. This is a wonderful opportunity for us to honor and remember all of the precious babies who have gone to be with Jesus. After the walk, all are welcome to join us for some bowling fun at Merle Hay Lanes in Des Moines. See details for this social on the right sidebar. If you are not in Central Iowa, be sure to look for opportunities in your own communities this month.

Also, I wanted to tell you all about something exciting that will be happening on Monday! I will be a guest posting over at (in)courage. If you are not familiar with this site, I encourage you to check it out. You will certainly be blessed! The piece that I have written is about Chloe, my first baby girl who went to heaven and will be featured under the "Daily Guests" link at the top of the homepage. So...on Monday, we will also have lots of (in)courage visitors on our site...yay! We need to be their official welcoming committee, girls, and here's how...

First, let's commit now to pray for the women who are led to this site. Undoubtedly there will be other women who have "been there" who venture on over. Lift them up boldy, ladies!

Secondly, what better way to show hospitality than to give away free stuff! And of course, fellow mommies, you are welcome to participate too. So be sure to come on back on Monday for the givewaway details!

Finally, and most importantly of all, let's show off the reason we have the hope we do...our sweet and precious Jesus!

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"But in your hearts, set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give a reason for the hope that you have..."

1 Peter 3:15

A Name...

2010-10-07T19:45:00.003-05:00

Tonight's post stems from a continued discussion from Chapter 3 of And Then You Were Gone, the book we are currently reading through. In this Chapter, Becky (the author) shares the names of the children whom she lost to miscarriage:

David Patrick
Micah
James Roy
Sarah Grace

All beautiful. All precious. All have meaning.

After sharing the names of her children, as well as their meanings, Becky says this:

"It is still possible to name your baby even if your miscarriage was too early to determine the sex or if your loss happened a long time ago."

Just seeing those words written on paper and reading them out loud helps me to feel as though I have permission to do such a thing. We have named two of our three babies in heaven. We have always referred to our second loss, a miscarriage at 6 weeks, as "Baby." I've been comfortable with that, but have also always had a gut feeling, as Becky also talks about in Chapter 3, about the sex of this child. I should also add that I have been right with all of my other children! :)

But seriously, Justin and I went back and forth at the time of the miscarriage about choosing a name and discussed several that were gender neutral. We never officially decided on anything, however. Still, in the quietness of my own heart I have always felt that that baby was a little boy with the name of Jesse, which means "The Lord exists." Yes, He does!

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I would love to hear the names of each of your babies...even if you call them "Baby!" Or maybe you're like me and you've had a name for that child hidden in your heart, but tonight, you want to share. Go for it! Whatever you decide, know that you are honoring your baby by speaking his/her name. Let's leave our babies names in the comments below. I'll start!

In the Word Wednesday...Entering the Darkness (Ch. 3)

2010-10-06T10:00:00.001-05:00

Welcome to In the Word Wednesday! Join us as we travel through And Then You were Gone by Becky Avella. You can read the first two posts related to this study here and here. Today, we will dive into Chapter 3, Entering the Darkness. Again, there's so much to say and this chapter is filled with some awesome biblical truths! So...today's post will be about the pressure to "be strong" as we grieve, concluding with a challenge to allow yourself to truly grieve. I will continue with some additional topics from this chapter in the days to come!

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Becky starts Chapter 3 with the following verses:

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under Heaven.
A time to be born and a time to die,
A time to plant and a time to uproot,
A time to kill and a time to heal,
A time to tear down and a time to build,
A time to weep and a time to laugh,
A time to mourn and a time to dance.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-4

A time for everything. Sometimes, such times include times of grief. Each of us embarking on this study are all too familiar with times of grief. Throughout this chapter, I love how Becky reiterated a truth about grief, which states:

Grief may be delayed, but it cannot be denied.

Did you get that ladies? Grief may be delayed, but it cannot be denied! That rang so true for me. The first several months to a year after Chloe died, I threw myself into so many things. All good things, I might add. It was a way for me to work through my grief. In all honesty, however, I was delaying my grief. I distinctly remember ringing in the New Year and feeling as though Chloe had died yesterday. The realization of the onset of a new year, combined with that fact that it seemed like everyone around me was celebrating in anticipation for what was to come, hurt so much. I felt as though everyone else was moving on, yet I was stuck in the darkest place I'd ever know. Still, I had to face it....I had denied it long enough. Can you relate?
Becky talks about facing this darkness, the Valley of the Shadow of Death (Psalm 23). Her words in this portion led me to think of a song that I've sang at church called Valley of Vision by Sovereign Grace. I shared some of the lyrics with the ladies in the face-to-face study, which state:

Let me find Your grace in the valley
Let me find Your life in my death
Let me find Your joy in my sorrow
Your want in my need
Draw me near with every breath
In the valley

The idea is to draw near to God during these valleys in life. That doesn't mean that we need to wear this strong, Christian facade! God wants us to come to Him just as we are and the reality is that we tend to put on this mask that disguises the reality of what we're going through. While we may be able to fool others, for a time, we can never fool God. He sees right through the mask into the very heart of who we are; He knows precisely what we think and feel.

"The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart."
(1 Samuel 16: 7)

He sees our hearts, ladies. The reality of what we're going through. He knows us in and out, as we learned last week when I shared in the video some verses from Psalm 139. He created us uniquely, with feelings and emotions. Let's not shield who we are, what we're going through, and how God created us to be! We talked in the face-to-face study last night about balancing our emotions and feelings with our desire to cling to the biblical truths related to our loss, like: God is in control (Sovereignty), He will work this out for good (Romans 8:28), and God has a plan and purpose (Jeremiah 29:11-13). While all of these things are true and many of us believe them with all our hearts, it can be hard to strike a balance of clinging to these truths while experiencing feelings that starkly contrast these truths, like: I must have deserved this. My loss wasn't that important. I was only ____ weeks along. I want you to know, ladies, that these are blatant lies and we cannot give in to such thoughts, as much as our hearts are tempted to entertain them. Rather, we need to stock our hearts and minds with ammunition to ward off such negative, deceitful thoughts. This ammunition is the Word of God and things only of Him. You may be wondering, how do I do that? Here are some simple ideas:

Surrender!
If you have not given your life to Christ, that's the first step in drawing near to God. He already knows we need Him...it's up to us to humble ourselves before Him and place our lives in His hands. Romans 10:9-10 says, "...if you confess with your mouth, 'Jesus is Lord,' and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe an area justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved."

Saturate yourself with more of Him!
Be in the Word. Start with the gospel of John and read a chapter per day, or over and over each day till you feel led to move on.Choose a Psalm and read through that each day and move on to another when you feel ready.

PRAY!
Rather than being tempted to go to your mom or a girlfriend with a burden right away (which I had to confess is what I often do!), go straight to God. He longs to carry your burdens.

I think about a verse that our Pastor used in last Sunday's sermon from James, which states: "Draw near to Him and He will draw near to you." (James 4:8) Draw near. Seek Him with all your heart. It starts by humbling ourselves and letting go of the facade we so often feel we have to keep up. God wants us to come to Him just as we are...broken-down, grief-stricken, in the valley kind of women. Cry out to Him. We know from His Word that "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up all their wounds." (Psalm 147:3) That's us, ladies. He is waiting for us to come to Him.

Ultimate Healing

2010-10-04T06:00:00.005-05:00

You may have read about my recent sneaky grief moment. I'd like to say that it was here, then gone, but that's not the case. What started as a moment late last week, permeated throughout the weekend. A wondering about and longing for my babies filled my heart more fully than in the recent past. A special date night with my oldest child, while certainly wonderful, led to thoughts of special dates with three children that would never happen this side of heaven. A Sunday church service filled with babies, children, and pregnant women that seemingly engulfed me as I sang, looking out into the congregation. Yet, the act of singing out to my Savior made all the mess of my grief fade away into the background.

Then, a sermon (click here to listen) about the transfiguration of Christ (Mark 2:9-12). Jesus revealed His true self to three of his disciples and they saw Him for who He was....certainly more glorious than any of us could imagine. At one point in the sermon, Pastor led us to the story in Mark 5 where a father seeks Jesus to heal his dead daughter. Reading the words, "Your daughter is dead", from verse 35 instantly brought me to tears. I've heard variations of those words....more than once.

In the ultrasound room with Chloe at 20 weeks along: Your daughter is going to die.

By phone with my nurse practitioner at six weeks along in my pregnancy: You are miscarrying.

In the same dreaded ultrasound room with Riyah at 13 1/2 weeks along: I'm so sorry, Teske...I don't see a heartbeat.

Like the man in the bible story, I trusted Jesus could and would miraculously heal, especially when I think about my experience with Chloe. In ways beyond my mere human comprehension, He most assuredly did.

I recently received an email seeking prayer for a woman who is faced with a situation similar to what we went through with Chloe. She is, in fact, being induced today, giving birth to a baby who is prognosed to die shortly after birth due to a brain condition. In my reply to this sweet friend who shared this request on behalf of her friend, I said the following:

"We too found out during our pregnancy that she [Chloe] would not survive after birth, due to a brain condition. I so ardently hoped and prayed for God to miraculously heal her, and believed He could. He provided ultimate healing by welcoming her home, 45 minutes after her birth."

I hoped for healing. He certainly was able to do so. He did not heal her in the way I had hoped. Rather, He provided ultimate healing. He welcomed her home. No more tears, crying, or pain (Revelation 21:4). Truly, she was healed. And even though He didn't heal her in the way I had hoped, He is still good! He is still loving! He is still caring. He is still compassionate. He is still Savior.

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Ladies, please lift up your prayers on behalf of a fellow "mommy" mentioned above. Out of respect for her privacy, I will not share her name, but God already knows. Pray for her as she meets her little one face-to-face today.